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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

321 replies

Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 03:54

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 12/01/2023 05:33

Nudity · 12/01/2023 05:31

It’s telling that he doesn’t look after the cat. That’s usually a good indicator you’ll be left to do 100% of childcare.

PRECISELY this! And @Shoxfordian as well- well said.

Zatroya · 12/01/2023 05:34

Honestly surprised nobody else has pointed out how disgusting it is that you've strung him along for 2 years - if it had been the other way around, he'd have been crucified.

Leave, you're not being fair to him.

foremostwilly · 12/01/2023 05:38

Leave him and find someone who is looking for a soul mate rather than a brood sow.

Thesealsknowsheismagic · 12/01/2023 05:46

You don’t want to lose him. But the alternative is to have a baby you don’t really want, which you will then get left with full care of. Which will make your mental health worse. If he can’t cope with your mental health issues now, he isn’t going to cope with them getting worse and a baby.

So there will be a baby that will grow up, probably picking up that their mother didn’t really want them. You will possibly struggle to parent, if your mental health gets too bad. You will be miserable and the child will be.

You shouldn’t have strung him along. It’s not fair to do that. But to have this child would likely have an awful outcome, for you, but most importantly the child. Just so you can attempt to save, what sounds like m, a very poor relationship.

Thoughtful2355 · 12/01/2023 05:49

Honestly yes you are stringing him along, he wants a child and you don't so then you need to leave or tell him he has to leave as you won't be having a child... I'd also never have a child when I have mental health issues as it's not fair on any child so he's being unfair not to have just left ages ago

TangledWebOfDeception · 12/01/2023 05:57

I know it’s really, really hard but you’re going to have to let him go. You can’t/shouldn’t have a child to keep him, and you can’t keep stringing him along.

Flowers
crimbocountdown · 12/01/2023 05:57

totally responsible for our cat.

Well if you thinking looking after a cat is hard work then parenthood probably isn't for you?
Let him go it's not fair. Plenty of women who desperately want a child and are being strung along my a man on here are advised to leave and the advice is no different for you

rwalker · 12/01/2023 06:07

I don’t see why he’s the villain as some people say
your stringing him along by your own admission
unless one of you compromise it’s going nowhere
he’s being honest and up front you need to do the same and stop lying

marvellousmaple · 12/01/2023 06:07

"totally for responsible for our cat"! You feed them twice a day. A 5 yo can look after a cat.
Yes I think you need to separate.
Let him move on to someone who is keen for a child.
You stay with your cat.

rwalker · 12/01/2023 06:09

Posted to soon
his wishes are no more valid than yours but you need honest and clear about them

mrsbitaly · 12/01/2023 06:09

Don't feel forced to have a child if your not ready especially not to save a relationship or if you don't feel he will pull his weight.

But you do have to let him go. I say this as someone who watched my friend get strung along for so many years that it ended up being too late and she hit early menopause and can't have children now.

It's OK not to want a child but it's best for you to be with someone in the same mindset so you don't feel pressured or to be with someone you can trust will support you if you did have a child.

ChaToilLeam · 12/01/2023 06:16

It’s not fair to string someone along, but TBH he sounds like a complete shitbag. A man who is lazy and demanding is not good father material. You only have to look at the threads on here to see how that works out - you’d be left doing absolutely everything and your MH would get worse and worse.

Bin him. He’s not worth it.

Noicant · 12/01/2023 06:26

He can’t be arsed to do housework or look after the cat. He will also not be arsed to look after a baby. Chances are he’ll decide it looks like too much work and bugger off leaving you with a baby you didn’t actually want.

Honestly I’d get rid on the basis of the housework bit let alone a baby. If you didn’t want a baby you should have said a long time ago.

PinkSyCo · 12/01/2023 06:27

You are not compatible. Do the unselfish thing and let him go.

PurpleFlower1983 · 12/01/2023 06:28

As others have said, this is a stalemate, you have to split up. You are both entitled to feel how you do and having a baby when you’re not ready would be a massive mistake.

You don’t paint him in a great light to be honest though, sounds like a lucky escape!

Namaste6 · 12/01/2023 06:30

I'm sorry OP , you do need to let him go. You deserve the freedom of your own choices and he deserves to be a father if that is what he wants.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 12/01/2023 06:31

Yanbu to not want a baby
yabu to be making excuses and delaying for 2 years.

just tell him straight you do not want to have a baby and he should leave.

why are you doing to bulk of the housework if you both work?

TangledWebOfDeception · 12/01/2023 06:31

Not sure he ‘deserves’ to be a father...

MiniHouse · 12/01/2023 06:36

I don't think you can reach a compromise here. When you want children it's such a strong desire, like a need.

Equally if he's leaving you to do all housework and struggling with your mental health condition this doesn't sound like it's working well.

I appreciate a break up is so hard, but I don't see why you should stay together. If you don't have kids he may be resentful and if you do, that doesn't sound like what you want.

One caveat though, if you do want kids but just not now, you have a bit of time. You'd need to see if there's more you can do to help with your mental health, get fertility tested to show progress and make it clear you want to see him doing housework. Tbh my mental health would suffer if my OH thought it was ok to make demands and then do nothing around the house.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 12/01/2023 06:44

Tell him you want to be married first. Why should you have a baby for him if he won't commit to you?

BadNomad · 12/01/2023 06:44

Do not have a baby you do not want to have. And definitely do not have a baby to keep a man. It won't work. Your relationship has reached the end. You both want different things. It's time to let each other go.

Simonjt · 12/01/2023 06:46

Why did you decide to string him on, by doing that you’re choosing to make things more difficult for yourself.

My ex didn’t want children, he didn’t pretend he did for two years so we didn’t split up, that would have been a really seflish thing to do.

You both want different things, so the relationship needs to end as it isn’t right for either of you.

MistyLuna · 12/01/2023 06:51

MintyFreshOne · 12/01/2023 03:59

Gentle suggestion—let him go. He wants a baby and you aren’t ready and maybe will never be. You both want different things in life and that’s okay.

@Nymeria6

This!

i had mental health issues which were exasperated by the birth of DC. If you’re not in the right place, it can be a nightmare.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is ready & wants one. It’s a huge thing for him, and he’s entitled to it, just as you’re entitled to not wanting one.

Best let go of him and each find your own path.

ImBlueDab · 12/01/2023 06:55

Children are exhausting, not just the baby stage, but throughout their entire lives. If you're tired now, it'll be 100x worse with a child, especially one you didn't really want.

Your dp doesn't sound like a great person either.

You need to leave op.

BubziOwl · 12/01/2023 06:56

I think it's totally fair for having a child to be a non-negotiable for him, and that he tells you this.

I also think it's very sensible for you not to have a child with this man after reading that you are left with all the housework, even if you wanted children in general!

It's very sad for you, and I know it will be painful. But ultimately you both want your futures to go in different ways.

All the best ❤️

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