Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

[Nymeria6]

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

Whilst I fully agree that if one partner wants children and the other doesn't there is no future for the relationship, there is an awful lot of posters jumping to conclusions on here.

OP has said nothing about whether or how much she and her partner work. If she doesn't work and he works long hours, for example, it would be perfectly reasonable to expect her to do most of the housework.

Whose cat is it? If it's really OP's - again her responsibility to look after it.
DH used to have a pet. He wanted it and I didn't. He did all the looking after except that I fed it on the odd time he was away. I don't think that makes me unreasonable?

Do NOT have a baby unless you are 100% committed. The rest is incidental

If one partner doesn't want a baby and the other does then you are incompatible unless one of you compromises. If neither wishes to compromise then you have to split. That is the unfortunate truth.

no one should have a baby they don't want and no one should go without a baby they want (barring medial issues, obviously)

It's not really a "short window" most women are capable of conceiving between the ages of 15 and 40,that's 25 years. Taking 5 of either end that's still 15 (20-35) when the chances of successful pregnancy are excellent.

She can’t cope with the cat as it is!! She said she’s exhausted with the cat and decorating!!

it's not "losing him" to gently let him go. This very clearly isn't the man for you. it would be wrong to have a child with him at this point.
(a) in amy relationship, "do X or I will leave" is a total red flag (unless the X is something like stop taking drugs or doing a fair share of housework, that are obviously reasonable requirements)
(b) speaking of which, he isn't pulling his own weight is he?
(c) It's not sensible to disrupt your career for children until you have the safety net of legal marriage to protect your financial stability, but I can't advise you to marry this man so definitely don't procreate with him either.

he isn't a Keeper. let him go.

In his shoes I would leave, and I’d be pretty angry about my partner wasting my time for two years. He is right to want children, and you are right to not want them, but you are not right to string him along. You need to be honest with him. Tell him you have decided you don’t want kids then let him make his mind up about how he wants to proceed. If he’s as awful as you described I don’t know why you’d want to be with him anyway.

It's not really a "short window" most women are capable of conceiving between the ages of 15 and 40,that's 25 years. Taking 5 of either end that's still 15 (20-35) when the chances of successful pregnancy are excellent

Comparatively speaking, yes it is. A man can easily have a baby at 45+ whereas most women can’t. And most women nowadays don’t even think about settling down for a family until mid-twenties or early thirties.

And if you have infertility issues, you have fewer years to try and fix things. It does no good to underplay it.

Maybe op thought her dp would step up, her mental health would improve and things would get better?
Now you realise what living with him is like and things aren't going to improve, you'll need to take steps to try to focus on yourself without the struggle of carrying all the load force your household.

YANBU for not wanting a child but you must be honest with your partner. It’s unfair to mislead him.

And absolutely do not do something just to keep him. He doesn’t sound like he’s worth keeping anyway!

A baby will not improve your mental health in the short to medium term. Don’t do it.

Your boyfriend is desperate for a baby. He needs to find someone who can help him with this dream. Stringing him along is very cruel.

Did he actually ‘order’ you to remove the coil or is that how you interpreted it? Don’t remove it unless you are ready.

I don’t have pets but I didn’t think cats needed that much looking-after day to day??

You need to move your separate ways. This is a real deal-breaker.

I’m aware of how women’s biology works, thanks.

Many women don’t find a man they want to settle down with until quite a bit later than age 15-20...many are also busy getting an education/building a career and getting to know themselves/living a bit before they are ready or decide they definitely want to have children. If a man strings a woman along between ages 28 to 35, let’s say, she then has to leave him, and go about looking for a new relationship with a decent man which, let’s face it, can take a good long while. By the time she’s 37-39 and has known the next man for long enough to know that he’s right for a lifelong relationship and for fatherhood, she really is most likely at or approaching the end of her window.

If you find a cat hard, FGS don't have a baby!

But I agree with everyone else, he's being unreasonable to demand that you remove your birth control and you are being reasonable to not want a baby with this man when he doesn't share the domestic burden and when you suffer from MH problems. You guys should split up. Sorry. You want different things.

He'd better leave then,. If he cared about you, he'd not be demanding this of you and it would be no scenario to bring a baby into.

I don't think he's being unreasonable if you've said you'll have a baby one day. It's obvious that time is running out for you and you don't want one. Live your life the way you want but let him go so he can do the same.

If he’s leaving the bulk of the housework to you already then he’s not going to be a supportive father.

On top of that, it doesn’t sound like he’s a supportive DP. He’s clearly not bothered about marrying you, (which will leave you in a more vulnerable financial position if he leaves you with a young child), and already finds aspects of your mental health annoying.

What would happen if your MH worsens after birth? It’s not uncommon and potentially more likely to occur in your case, I’d suggest (IANAD), where you’ll have been pressured into the pregnancy.

You may not ‘want’ to lose him, but I think splitting would be for the best.

Not because you’ve “strung him along” or that you’re at fault in any way, but because you and he don’t sound good together and definitely don’t sound like you’ve the potential to be a good parenting team.

The only right thing you can do is be honest with him. It’s up to him to decide what he wants to do when he knows how you feel, but it would be incredibly selfish to keep stringing him along with dishonesty when you already know you don’t want a baby with him.

Absolutely do not have a baby to 'keep him'. Do not have a baby unless you are certain you want one. I desperately wanted a child and now I have a baby and find it so difficult! It is exhausting and stressful and I have good support and a good sleeper. If you are already struggling, I really wouldn't even entertain it.
As others have pointed out, you always need to be prepared he could change his mind anyway and you could end up struggling even more as a single parent.
I would be completely honest with him. Tell him you do not want a baby now and you don't know if you ever will. Don't say maybe you will feel differently in the future or do any further stringing along. At the moment he has given you an ultimatum because you appear to be dragging your feet. Give him the true fact of the matter and let him make an informed decision whether to stay or leave.

First reponse nails it.

I'm pretty sure if you were posting about your wish to have a baby and your BF stalling, everyone would say leave and find the right relationship. I think it's true for you, too.

In your OP you recognise that you wouldn't be a great parent right now and that shows how incredibly selfless you can be. So, time to let him move on, even if it's really hard.

Wishing you the best for your recovery

It is a deal breaker for any couple. You are not unreasonable to not want a child and he is not unreasonable to want one. It is not something either of you can compromise on so i think the only option is to split.

The ultimatum after holiday isn't great, neither is making excuses for 2 years. Sounds like he needs you to admit you won't have a baby so you can both move on.

Be honest with him, having a baby to keep him will be much worse than losing him.

Hi OP

This is a tough situation- You have every right not to want a baby and I can only imagine how hard it must be for you especially regarding your mental health. Equally, if you care for your partner you will let him go and let him have a family. You both have your wants and needs- at 38 your partner feels a strong desire for fatherhood and he has waited- this isn't unreasonable.

I imagine he wants a baby because all his mates have got them and he feels left out when they post cute pictures about how they’re “killing this dad thing” or whatever other bollocks 🙄

The reality of a child however obviously isn’t something he’s considered, given he can’t even open a tin of cat food twice a day.

Before you give in, in the desperate hope of hanging onto him, go and read a few of the million threads on here by women whose “partners” do fuck all while leaving them to do the parenting, housework and work outside the home. At least you know up front how shit yours is so it won’t come as a surprise.

OP isn't sure she wants a baby. Plenty of people don't want children or decide not to have them, she definitely doesn't need to be in a hurry to find a new partner and have a baby before some imaginary cut off.

Completely agree that getting her mh sorted is a priority. I would recommend taking time for self care (not necessarily candle lit baths but things OP loves, eg snuggling with cat, being creative, walking outside, catching up with friends), looking into therapy, meditation, exercise, better diet. Some or all of these things can make a huge difference you just need to find what works for you.

And better fish for him than a woman who has been stringing him along for 2 years because she doesn't want to lose him all the whilst knowing she doesn't want a child.

You haven't come back to the thread op, so I'm not entirely sure of your circumstances. There do appear to be at least 3 issues here, but not sure if they are connected at all.

1. He wants a baby and has given you an ultimatum. You have been stringing him along for years. On the face of it , he is in the right here.

2. He struggles with your mental health issues. Not unreasonable really. It can be very hard to deal with. What are you doing to help yourself?

3. You are doing all the house stuff. What are your circumstances? Do you both work full time? It's hard to give a good response without knowing your situation.