Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

[Nymeria6]

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

I refused to have a second DC because he was utterly useless with the first. Zero help until the age of 5 or so and I refused to TTC as I wasn't doing it all on my own and I could not trust him to not be lazy Let him go he can find another mug to reproduce with.

Well of course he's not 'very kind' op. He roes nothing around the house, laughs in your face when you ask him to pull his weight and has 'ordered' you to get your voild removed.

He's a nasty, controlling man child who wants you pregnant to trap you so that you'll continue to be his general maid and dogsbody. Wake up under smell the coffee!

Stop wasting your breath talking to him. He KNOWS what you want. He just doesn't CARE.
He doesn't care about your feelings op.

Get out of there. Like, yesterday.

Let him go he’s not the one!

You don't have the time to wait to have a baby. If you want one you need to decide pretty sharpish whether or not your partner has a point and crack on. Or let him go and try to have a family with a man who is right for you. Or decide against it and be alone with your cat.

I think your partner is sensibly understanding a sense of urgency around this. You're still thinking that you might have a child, but not now.

I don't think you realise how short you are on time.

your partner is getting a pretty hard time here: to get a better picture of how bad he is: What exactly does he do around the house? When he laughs in your face what sort of things are complaining to him about? How much mess is he leaving around? When he ordered you to remove your coil, how did he phrase it?

Let him jog on then. He's a nice guy according to you and kind but doesn't lift a finger around the house and leaves it all to you knowing you struggle with your mental health. That isn't kind it's selfish, lazy, disrespectful and thoughtless. Let the dead weight go. At 38 you might not find conceiving to be straightforward and why put unnecessary pressure on yourself if your hearts not really in it? You can rehome a cat but not so a baby. You'd be stuck with it, with someone who is unlikely to change, leaving all the drudgery that comes with a baby down to you. Honestly I'd put yourself first and let him go. You deserve better.

I can see you're now thinking about it and going to discuss him helping with the baby OP. The problem is you already know he's happy to see you exhausted and not help out, so what makes you think he'll suddenly change when the baby is here. The problem with babies is you cant give them back if your dp doesn't step up to the plate and leaves all the housework AND the baby to you. He's shown you who he is, believe that rather than promises around something that hasn't happened yet

What facts of reproductive biology do you imagine you know that OP doesn't?

It's clear from her every post & update that she is reluctant to have a baby & is waiting for nature to call time out so she doesn't have to risk losing her b/f by telling him "no."

Yet PP after PP is urging her to get her skates on.
Highly irresponsible. OP is is no fit place to be having a baby - she needs to look after herself & her MH, not be piling crazy-making amounts of stress into her life.

It’s not at all clear from OP’s posts that she wants a baby at all ever, yet so many assuming she does.

It’s also not clear that she doesn’t want one ever.

I do want one but in the future. However I don't have time anymore because my clock is ticking.

I dont want one right now or immediate future.

Some days he helps others he doesn't. Then we have argument.

This is a non starter, if you had a child with this man you would be the default parent. The sleepless nights, exhaustion, parenting, child care, school runs etc. He wants to be a ‘Dad’ in name only and if you needed extra support because of poor mh, this would not be the man to pick up the slack.

This is who he is and your biggest problem is you haven’t accepted it. The version of him that isn’t lazy and doesn’t expect you to do the domestic heavy lifting, isn’t waiting around the corner. Another chat isn’t going to change him and dropping your standards and expectations is only going to lead to frustration.

You want different things and even if you really wanted children and your mh was tip top, he would still be the wrong person to have a child with. Let him go.

If he doesn't do his fair share now I can't see that he we'll step up and doing anything when a baby is added to the mix.

It sounds like he has just ignored everything you've said about him needing to do his share before you consider trying for a baby.

I would worry that he would be happy to have you trapped at home doing it all, dependent on him whilst he continues so as he pleases.

You’ve answered your own dilemma here, OP. As you have identified, ‘the future’ is now and it may be time to start accepting that you are unlikely to have a biological child. It’s a very good thing that you aren’t giving in to the pressure when you are unsure.

You need to be honest with your DP and let him go. I’m sorry.

OP, think about why you might want a child in the future - what do you think having a child will bring to your life in the future? All the reservations you have about having a child now - do you think they will disappear in the future?

Think about whether you do want a child or have you been conditioned to think you should have a child at some point?

If you're happy with your cat then that's perfect! There's no need to go pursuing anything else.

This is madness. You're 38! You don't have time to fanny about.

Either you have a child with this man, leave and get dating sharpish to find someone sensible to start a family with ASAP, or sack it all in and live alone with your cat.

You seem to think you've all the time in the world.

If you don't let this poor bloke go and pursue the life he wants, the pair of you will dither about arguing over unmade beds and unsanded walls for another few years and before you know it you'll be in your forties and still childless.

@KettrickenSmiled

It's clear from her every post & update that she is reluctant to have a baby & is waiting for nature to call time out so she doesn't have to risk losing her b/f by telling him "no."

It's pretty clear from her most recent post that she wants a child "in the future". Unless she starts thinking pragmatically she'll end up one of the growing number of women who left it too late and bitterly regret it. Too many women think they have all the time in the world for this.

OP, the future is not as comfortably long as you think it is. You're already in the future, you just don't see it.

Going to be clear. If you want a baby you need to start trying now. Not in the near future means it isn’t happening.

Re your boyfriend if your choice is not to start trying let him leave.

Your boyfriend is not kind if he's not contributing at all at home even though he knows you also work full time and are struggling. A baby will only compound these issues and you'll end up a single mother.

Honestly I'd let him go and in time you'll realise he's not the catch you currently believe him to be. I have a cat with medical issues and honestly having kids in terms of time commitment is 100 fold!

Oh OP, he's not a nice guy. He's a lazy arse who can't even make the bed. Don't have a baby with him. And I guarantee your mental health will improve without him - his laziness is probably a major cause of the issue.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years

This is just selfish and cruel. Let him go to find someone who actually wants the same things as him

You don’t think a man is a knob if he believes he has the right to ORDER a woman to remove her coil?!

Yeah because women who decide they don’t want children only have the option of staying single forever with a cat 🙄

Can't believe the weirdos on this page telling you you need to choose kids if you want kids or not ASAP. Let alone with this 'partner'.

He isn't suitable father material and you (at least for now) don't want kids. So children are not remotely relevant to your life right now.

Unless, to highlight what a dick your partner is.

Maybe you'll want them, maybe you won't. Nothing wrong with being childfree.
Ps: I've never struggled to find a partner who didn't want kids. So don't worry about stuff like that. Most men are pretty 'meh' either way about them and just go along with the women I think.

But If someone starts pressuring you like your partner does, it's time to leave. Not just because you aren't compatible but because your partner specifically, is a knob.

Choose yourself. Walk away.

He has to leave then, it’s as simple as that. If you don’t want a child right now but he does then there’s honestly no way around this, you can’t find a compromise here.