Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

321 replies

Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 03:54

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 12/01/2023 08:12

ShandaLear · 12/01/2023 07:46

In his shoes I would leave, and I’d be pretty angry about my partner wasting my time for two years. He is right to want children, and you are right to not want them, but you are not right to string him along. You need to be honest with him. Tell him you have decided you don’t want kids then let him make his mind up about how he wants to proceed. If he’s as awful as you described I don’t know why you’d want to be with him anyway.

Why is he right to want children? If he doesn't do his share of housework and cat care, then it's unlikely having children in his mind looks like the reality of the early years of nappy changes, night feeds and lots of crying. Or not being able to go out without taking all the baby supplies and considering feeding/nap times.

Or having to balance work and childcare drop offs and pick ups, needing to cover sick days and school holidays, not being able to work away without making arrangements and call in favours, all the extra housework with a toddler because they drop food everywhere, have loads of toys and knock things over. Etc etc etc.

You only have to see all the endless posts from the exhausted, frazzled, put upon mothers complaining that 'he does nothing and is always out doing his hobby' to see that when their partners agreed to have children, it had never occurred to them that they would have any part of the day to day reality of looking after them 24/7/365.

Redkettle · 12/01/2023 08:13

Having a child is the hardest work you will ever have to do in your whole life. I find it exhausting and my husband does everything with me 50/50. You are right not to go along with this given your concerns, his lack of support and the ultimatum etc. Please do not go through with this just to keep him. Like pp say, he could walk away anytime. I suggest with kindness you let him go.

knittingaddict · 12/01/2023 08:13

There are some very strange posts on here, filling in "facts" that op hasn't provided. Great imaginations people, but could be so far off the mark as to be laughable.

TheBadLuckOfTeelaBrown · 12/01/2023 08:18

You have been stringing him along and you have mental health issues which mean that you should not consider having a child (if a cat is a lot of work!).

Be fair to him and split up. The other way round people would be very stern with you.
You don't want to lose him, but that is utterly selfish.

ThisGirlNever · 12/01/2023 08:18

Nudity · 12/01/2023 05:31

It’s telling that he doesn’t look after the cat. That’s usually a good indicator you’ll be left to do 100% of childcare.

Who's cat is it? I can't stand the things and if DH had one, he'd have to look after it.

theworldhas · 12/01/2023 08:19

“Bulk of the responsibility for housework and totally responsible for cat”

That doesn’t really tell us anything in isolation. Perhaps he’s working ten hours day on a building site. (and how much care does a cat need?) But in the end it’s irrelevant whether he’s the best partner ever or the laziest man in the world. He wants a child and you don’t.

HaddawayAndShite · 12/01/2023 08:27

A man who wants a baby but leaves his partner to do the bulk of the housework is not a man who is ready to be a father.
Nailed it. Even if you do have any sort of urges to become a parent, do not do it with this feckless waste of space. I wonder how your mental health issues would be if you weren’t running round doing all the housework and responsibilities he should be doing half of.

IncompleteSenten · 12/01/2023 08:28

He wants to be a father.
Let him go.
Don't be so selfish and keep him with you with empty promises and lies.

Your relationship will be doomed anyway. He'll resent you and you'll probably split in the end because of it and you'll be single at 40 or 45 or 50 instead of now.

Also - do NOT have a child you don't want, just to hang on to a man. No child deserves to be born for that reason.

MiniHouse · 12/01/2023 08:28

knittingaddict · 12/01/2023 08:13

There are some very strange posts on here, filling in "facts" that op hasn't provided. Great imaginations people, but could be so far off the mark as to be laughable.

Yeah this happens all the time. I put up a post and people added all kinds of details like that I didn't have a job etc.. that wasn't true. People jump to assumptions, my belief is that they didn't teach enough critical thinking in schools in the past.

ExtraJalapenos · 12/01/2023 08:30

He doesn't sound like a particularly nice man. But it's appalling you've strung him along for 2 years when you don't even want a baby.

Its also very telling that you refer to him as a boyfriend rather than partner after 8 years.

Gricheynewyear · 12/01/2023 08:33

Do you both work full time? As other people have said doing all the house work and caring for the cat is out of order if you are both working full time. However if he is working a 50 hour week and you don’t work then the majority of the housework could be done in this time. Cooking, washing up, and weekend tasks could be shared. Alternatively if you work a 50 hour week and he does not work then he should be doing most of the housework.

That said I agree you need to let him go and stop stringing him along if he wants children and you don’t.

SoupDragon · 12/01/2023 08:37

ThisGirlNever · 12/01/2023 08:18

Who's cat is it? I can't stand the things and if DH had one, he'd have to look after it.

Show quote history

She calls it "our cat".

Velvetween · 12/01/2023 08:38

I would not embark at on a mission to make him do more around the house at this stage, 8yrs in. If he hasn't risen to the occasion already it’s unlikely to happen.

Living with this man is leaving you exhausted. Where is the time for fun in your life, let alone dealing with your mental issues. You obviously struggle to put your needs first and make yourself heard in this relationship. Leave him, find the energy to address the mental health issues and get out there a live a little before starting a family.

SlashBeef · 12/01/2023 08:39

Let him leave. Its not working.

Boshi · 12/01/2023 08:41

Agree with pps, he sounds unprepared for fatherhood, avoids responsibility- marriage, housework, care of pet, yet he wants you to get your coil out.

Even if you wanted children there are better prospects out there for you OP. But if you don’t then it is also unfair of you to string him along in his desire to have children. You sounds incompatible in the long term. Let him go and find someone better suited to support you with your MH issues and your choice to not have children

DifferenceEngines · 12/01/2023 08:41

We see opposite from female partners all the time - Man strings woman along about having a baby, woman issues ultimatum. You need to break up with him.

Comedycook · 12/01/2023 08:44

Don't have a baby if you don't want one just to keep him...what if he left you? You'll be stuck as a single mum when you didn't even want a child in the first place.

ScrewyBuddah · 12/01/2023 08:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a troll.

warmzebra · 12/01/2023 08:48

It's easy to say "I want a baby" when you won't have to take on any of the child rearing. Give him an ultimatum back. Get him to prove he can help out with the housework/decorating and be responsible for the cat as well. (Though I appreciate that any sudden magical effort on his part now might die off after a few months.)

If he doesn't/won't, just part ways amicably as you both have different visions of the future (I presume your vision does not include having to single handedly take care of a baby you were pressured into having).

GooglyEyeballs · 12/01/2023 08:49

If you don't want a baby just tell him and let him go. Making excuses to delay things for two years with no intention of actually having a family is stringing him along. Just be honest with him. You don't want the same things so let him go.

tiredmama23 · 12/01/2023 08:50

Well if you thinking looking after a cat is hard work then parenthood probably isn't for you?

Sorry but..... I have to strongly agree with this. I mean this as kindly as possible but, if you're exhausted looking after a cat, please do not have a child! The two are not even close to comparable in terms of exhaustion levels!

dolor · 12/01/2023 08:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a troll.

Oh dear

tiredmama23 · 12/01/2023 08:51

Having a child is the hardest work you will ever have to do in your whole life. I find it exhausting and my husband does everything with me 50/50.

Same.

ScrewyBuddah · 12/01/2023 08:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a troll.

Pr1mr0se · 12/01/2023 08:53

Just no. A baby isn't something you acquire like a trophy or a nice dress from a shop. It is a life-long commitment to another human being You are right to say no.

A baby doesn't fix things or bring couple closer together unless they are already close.

Please find someone more worthy of you.