Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

321 replies

Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 03:54

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 12/01/2023 06:56

Even if you wanted a baby I would say don’t have one with this man. He doesn’t sound very supportive. My answer to him would be “leave then”.

Had it been discussed in a different way, you could have explained and had a conversation. The way to look at this is, a relationship is already over once discussion is off the table.

The right guy for you would be okay with waiting, would be supportive and understanding, and with the possibility of not having children. That’s what you deserve. Focus on that.

Oldfox · 12/01/2023 06:58

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

Why not? Do you think he will magically do his share of the housework/ baby looking after when a baby turns up?
Don't do it, it's time to leave

Lost123454 · 12/01/2023 06:59

Time to part ways

Fairydustandsparklylights · 12/01/2023 07:02

Oh how different the responses would be if it were the man stringing Op along.

What you have done Op by stringing him along for years is selfish and unforgivable. Let him go and allow him to fulfil his desire to be a parent. You don’t get to make that choice for him. With him is very different to for him.

I

Zone2NorthLondon · 12/01/2023 07:03

You’re incompatible with both with different preferences. Let him go
Babies aren’t an adhesive they don’t make you stick together,parenthood emphasises and stretches any existing tensions. The fact you have pre-existing pressure means will both struggle. He’s not wrong to want a baby, you’re not wrong to not feel ready. However it makes you both incompatible.

Let him go
He can be a parent with someone else
you don’t need to be compelled to fulfill his need

SmileWithADimple · 12/01/2023 07:06

Please don't have a baby with this man, from the information you've given it will be a disaster. Time to be honest with him - you're not ready for a baby and may never be, if that means you split up then so be it.

TangledWebOfDeception · 12/01/2023 07:07

Fairydustandsparklylights · 12/01/2023 07:02

Oh how different the responses would be if it were the man stringing Op along.

What you have done Op by stringing him along for years is selfish and unforgivable. Let him go and allow him to fulfil his desire to be a parent. You don’t get to make that choice for him. With him is very different to for him.

I

My advice would be exactly the same. The person who doesn’t want children should let the other individual go.

However there is one major difference between the sexes - the reason why stringing a woman along in regards to children is particularly cruel/unforgivable is because there’s quite a short window for it. Men can father children well into their later years.

MissOldCadburys · 12/01/2023 07:14

I love people immediately jumping on ops partner when she hasn't even said whether she works, in which case if she doesn't do full time hours her doing more housework would make sense.
Shows how biased mumsnet is towards men.
And yes I think YABU for stringing him along if he wants kids, you need to split and find someone who is also happy to be child free.

Shesasuperfreak · 12/01/2023 07:15

Someone needs to introduce him to the mumsnetter who is 42 and her boyfriend doesn't want a baby but she does.

MaireadMcSweeney · 12/01/2023 07:18

You shouldn't have strung him along but you definitely shouldn't have a baby. So let him go.

tickychicky · 12/01/2023 07:21

Let him go.

RampantIvy · 12/01/2023 07:22

I don’t see why he’s the villain as some people say

He doesn't pull his weight in the house and won't even look after the cat. He is definitely not dad material @rwalker.

MissOldCadburys · 12/01/2023 07:24

@RampantIvy

She hasn't even said whether she works full time or if he does.
If they both work the same hours then I would say he is being a lazy dickhead especially demanding a child as well, but if she doesn't work that's a different story and if course she should be doing the housework.

MichelleScarn · 12/01/2023 07:24

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 12/01/2023 06:31

Yanbu to not want a baby
yabu to be making excuses and delaying for 2 years.

just tell him straight you do not want to have a baby and he should leave.

why are you doing to bulk of the housework if you both work?

Do you both work @Nymeria6 ?

Wibbly1008 · 12/01/2023 07:25

Let him grow before he grows old and resentful and you are wracked with guilt that you took away from him the one thing he wanted - to be a father.
it is very sad when you reach a cross road, but you have different wants and needs and that is ok. Say a heartfelt goodbye to him and wish him well .

jtaeapa · 12/01/2023 07:26

It’s a complete deal breaker when one wants a baby and the other doesn’t. I think you’ll have to split.

Wibbly1008 · 12/01/2023 07:26

…and if sole care of the cat and housework stresses you out, for gods sake do not have a baby - it’s like a bomb has gone off in your house for the first five years ….

crosspusscrossstitcher · 12/01/2023 07:28

Keep the cat.
Ditch the childish man who does little to no housework.

Don't be forced into having a child with him.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 12/01/2023 07:30

He's right your stringing him along - if you don't want a baby you need to let him go. It's not fair.

RubiesandRose · 12/01/2023 07:30

Yes you strung him along and should have been upfront at the start if you didn't want a baby

BUT surely not as bad as if it were the other way around. He doesn't have the ticking time bomb of a biological clock and can have a child at any age, whereas women who are strung along do literally waste precious years.

Not saying it's right either way but the impact is greater on women in these situations.

positivethoughts1 · 12/01/2023 07:31

Please don't have a child with someone out of fear of them leaving. That's a recipe for disaster for you both and the child.

Try and have a conversation with your DP. If you don't agree with each other then call it a day. Good luck OP xxx

Sparklfairy · 12/01/2023 07:32

Having a baby will finish your relationship off anyway, but you'll have a child to be responsible for, on your own, on top of everything else.

Chrimbob · 12/01/2023 07:34

I wonder if you've been putting off having a baby as you know he won't be a good partner/father. I'd leave - he doesn't sound like a good man.

Metabigot · 12/01/2023 07:35

I'm.not a fan of ultimatums, and even less of pressurised coil removing but if he wants a baby and you don't, he needs to leave. Or you do.
Have you considered couples counselling for ypu both to discuss this with a professional? That may help you both make the decisions you need to.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 12/01/2023 07:38

Stringing him along wasn't good at all but isn't there an old train of thought that when someone says I don't want a baby it can often mean, I don't want a baby with you.

I think you've been holding onto a relationship which should've ended a long time ago.

My hunch is you're exhausted because you're carrying him. You know this deep down. If he can't even look after your cat then you are walking into a disaster if you have a child.

The coil situation is a worry. That is the biggest indicator of his character.

I bet your MH is suffering because you have an inner turmoil of not being totally happy with him but are trying to convince yourself you are, possibly due to your lack of self esteem.

The best thing to do is take a deep breath and split. You will both be happier. I guarantee your MH will improve vastly once you do.