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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

321 replies

Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 03:54

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

OP posts:
Riu · 12/01/2023 08:53

Rainbowqueeen · 12/01/2023 04:06

A man who wants a baby but leaves his partner to do the bulk of the housework is not a man who is ready to be a father.

Dont have a baby. You are absolutely correct that this would not be a good idea. Not just because of how you feel but also how he acts.
A loving partner would have a discussion with you about timelines and issues that need to be resolved before TTC not issue an ultimatum.

I’m rubbish at doing housework and my kids are now in their teens! Had no major issues with parenting so far.

AllyCatTown · 12/01/2023 08:55

It’s not clear if you’re someone who doesn’t want a baby ever or you son because of your current situation.

You seem right in that if you’re taking care of the cat and doing most of the labour in the home that you’ll end up being the primary caregiver and so if you can’t cope with that you’re making the right decision.

I think you need to let the relationship go. Most don’t do well with an ultimatum.

AllyCatTown · 12/01/2023 08:56

don’t (not son)

JonahAndTheSnail · 12/01/2023 09:00

Honestly surprised nobody else has pointed out how disgusting it is that you've strung him along for 2 years - if it had been the other way around, he'd have been crucified.

Maybe she was waiting for him to step up and show he's ready for fatherhood by pulling his weight around the house rather than leaving everything for her to deal with? OP I think in time you'll have more energy if you leave this relationship. You're already basically taking responsibility for another human (your DH) and it sounds like he has a controlling aspect to his personality if he's ordering you to stop taking contraception.

Fluffygreenslippers · 12/01/2023 09:04

I knew a guy ‘desperate’ for a baby. Badgered and badgered his girlfriend who eventually gave in even though she didn’t want children. Incredibly hard. Turns out fatherhood wasn’t the sunshine and roses he had envisioned. He said it was ‘boring’. He did fuck all to help. Girlfriend nearly had a breakdown trying to cope. They broke up when child was 3 and now she’s effectively a single parent.

Sandra1984 · 12/01/2023 09:06

You’re going to have to choose between him or baby, what your doing is not fair, this man wants a family and you want your mental health. You need to let him go.

stormywaves · 12/01/2023 09:06

Don’t have a baby to fix a relationship. Unless you are both 100% committed to a life changing decision it is very unlikely to work.

CrunchyCarrot · 12/01/2023 09:06

OP, you are going to lose him anyway. Please don't give in and have a baby in the hopes that you will keep him. From what you've said he doesn't sound like father material and you will end up even more exhausted trying to care for a baby as well as everything else.

You have not been 'stringing him along', either. Your gut has been telling you for the past few years that something isn't right here. Don't ignore that.

B1993 · 12/01/2023 09:07

Yes, YABU for not being honest and stringing him along.

He is BU for demanding that you get the coil removed and when.

He has a decision to make just like you do in regards to wanting children. He clearly does and you clearly don't. I think at this point you need to be honest and tell him it's just not something you want and if he absolutely does, he needs to find that with someone else. It's unfortunate as you obviously care for one another but this is something you really need to be in the same page about.

BogRollBOGOF · 12/01/2023 09:09

I wonder if OP has been "stringing him along"/ delaying because she knows deep down that he is poor father material.

He has no right to demand what you do to your body, and pregancy/ birth/ postnatal phases can have enormous tolls on a mother's physical or mental health and it is sensible for OP to not rush into motherhood if she's not feeling secure in her partnership.

Let him leave. This is not a healthy partnership. The mental health may even improve without him on the scene.

MilkyYay · 12/01/2023 09:12

Let him go. He is 38 years old, not only is he getting on, but if he stays with you, your own fertility is probably already waning, it could be too late in a couple of years.

Hellno44 · 12/01/2023 09:15

You shouldn't have a baby because someone else wants one. Ultimately, you'll get left doing all the work and holding the baby. It not fair on the potential child.

SoupDragon · 12/01/2023 09:18

Maybe she was waiting for him to step up and show he's ready for fatherhood by pulling his weight around the house rather than leaving everything for her to deal with?

That is completely irrelevant (and totally hypothetical/made up)

AnnieMay55 · 12/01/2023 09:22

It is obviously not good to string him along for 2 years but maybe she has been unsure herself. Saying he is asking/ demanding she removes the coil maybe after lots of previous discussions that have not really come to any conclusion so he is trying to sort out there problem one way or another. The fact they are not married may be because this has been an ongoing discussion and he hasn't felt it right to get married if they are not on the same page.

junglistmassive · 12/01/2023 09:22

I would be really concerned about having a baby with this man. I think you'll find, like that cat and the house, you'll be left doing it all. I know it's hard as you love him but this is not an equal relationship here and if you have mental health issues I think you're very sensible for waiting.

Goldbar · 12/01/2023 09:24

If you have a baby with this man, you will probably end up either as an unpaid nanny/housekeeper (and probably expected to hold down a paid job on top of this) or as a single parent. If he doesn't pull his weight now, this will probably get worse when you go on maternity leave. This tends to be the pattern.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/01/2023 09:24

I knew a guy ‘desperate’ for a baby. Badgered and badgered his girlfriend who eventually gave in even though she didn’t want children. Incredibly hard. Turns out fatherhood wasn’t the sunshine and roses he had envisioned. He said it was ‘boring’. He did fuck all to help. Girlfriend nearly had a breakdown trying to cope. They broke up when child was 3 and now she’s effectively a single parent.

I think everyone knows at least one similar instance. I know of two. In one, he promised the world in terms of doing his share of the baby work etc. etc. and never did. In another, he was going to be a SAHD. Didn't happen.

Maybe she was waiting for him to step up and show he's ready for fatherhood by pulling his weight around the house rather than leaving everything for her to deal with?

Yep, it's all spelt out in the OP. Does FA around the house so the OP is exhausted and still expects her to bear a child.

Nah.

Tricolette · 12/01/2023 09:27

You need to invite a relative with a baby over for a few days.
Tell him he will be getting up in the night everytime the mum does and basically he must shadow the parents all day.
Bet he'd run a mile.

user1471538283 · 12/01/2023 09:27

I would let him go with this:

Okay so how would having a baby work then? We need to get married and sort out life insurance/housing/etc now. You need to come to all the appointments taking leave if you need to, take paternity leave, do at least half the nights and early mornings, half the stuff at home, pay half the kindergarten or YOU stay at home to raise the child, half if not all the kindergarten/school drop offs, sort out half the play dates, trips etc and look after the cat. We need to save now for the child's large expenses including university. All good, marvellous!

I bet he doesn't want to do that ...

BadNomad · 12/01/2023 09:29

According to her other threads, he pays the mortgage, they go 50/50 on all the other bills, she pays for stuff for the house, renovations and the cat costs. She's doing all the decorating herself because he works long, unsociable hours. She works too. They argue a lot about his messiness and untidiness. Sex life is crap. House is stressing her out. She can't cope with mess. Cat is needy as hell. They aren't married. I don't know if her name is on the house.

It sounds like a baby is the last thing they need, it would totally screw her over and likely kill any relationship they have.

ghjklo · 12/01/2023 09:29

just imagine how much worse it will be when the baby arrives, and he doesn't help with that either. you will be left with all the hosuework, cooking, night feeds, cat, tantrums, no lie ins etc etc. Might as well be a single parent!
Leave him before it gets silly.

whattodo1975 · 12/01/2023 09:30

The line about the cat made me laugh.

I'm inclined to think this is a reverse, but either way move on and be with someone who wants the same as you.

altmember · 12/01/2023 09:31

He's right to feel like you've strung him along, but he's wrong to try to force you into doing something you don't want.

You may not want to lose him, but I can't see any other amicable solution. Stringing him along was unfair just because you want to keep him. That'll never work out well in the circumstances, it'll just lead to resentment.

And you've been together 8 years so surely the subject of children came up in conversation much earlier than 2 years ago. Have you been stringing him along for far longer?

Gem123J · 12/01/2023 09:36

I’ve been in your position before, I was married previously to someone I had been with for almost 8 years. He desperately wanted a baby, we had been married for 3 years so he thought it was time, I wanted a baby but there were just some things holding me back, him. I did most of the cooking and cleaning and just felt like there wasn’t any emotional support so I left. Was very hard. But now I am married again, married for almost 2 years now with someone I have been with for 7 years. I have a 5 year old and another on the way and I’m happy! I knew that this person was the right person to have a child with fairly quickly! So if something is holding you back I don’t think it’s ever going to happen (with that person), so you need to let him go for his sake (so he can find someone new), and for your sake (because the next person might make you want a baby!).

Best of luck x

MissOldCadburys · 12/01/2023 09:36

@whattodo1975

I know right, I own a cat they require very little care and attention.
Op if looking after a cat is too much for you there is no way you would cope with a child especially an infant.
Even now at 2.5 years old he gets through the door after work and it's constant and draining. You don't switch off unless they are asleep, you are constantly caring for your child as they always want your attention.. Do they need to eat, entertaining them, changing nappy or toilet training, stopping them from just generally killing themselves.
Now it's not as bad as being woken every 2 hours as a baby, but he's still been getting up randomly in the middle of the night (3am this morning) so we are never fully rested.
The only time we get to ourselves now is a few hours every evening before we go to bed. He doesn't even nap anymore.

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