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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doesn't want a funeral

256 replies

Snickerdoodle17 · 11/01/2023 20:23

My mum dropped a bombshell recently by telling me that she doesn't want to have a funeral. She's not yet 70 and in reasonable health so hopefully we won't be facing this situation for some time, but I'm surprised and a bit sad to hear this. I don't know why she would wish this to be frank as obvs she won't be around to see it! Her reasoning was vague when I asked her why - something about not wanting all the fuss and people being sad. She asked me if I'd be ok with this and asked me to think about it before coming back to her.

We are quite close but she has form for taking big life decisions or withholding important news from family. A few years ago she got married without letting my sibling and I know! We knew she was intending to get married in a low-key way but expected to be invited to a registry office
ceremony, but she rang one day and said she and her partner had just gone and eloped by themselves. It wasn't the not being invited to see her get married - although that was disappointing- but more that she didn't tell us beforehand.

I'm not sure what to think about not having a funeral for her - surely it's a focal point for grief and if there isn't one, won't we kind of feel 'in limbo'? Funerals are for those left behind surely so is it selfish of her not to want one? I guess im kind of hoping someone can shed light on why she'd do this.

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 11/01/2023 20:25

Ask can you have a wake?

ExtraOnions · 11/01/2023 20:27

Funerals aren’t for the dead, they are for the living … they are an opportunity to give thanks, and say goodbye. It’s an important part of the grieving process.

To be brutal, she’ll be dead, you can do what you want. People will be sad, whether there is a funeral or not.

TightFistedWozerk · 11/01/2023 20:27

You can still have a celebration, a gathering, a closure.

She is not selfish and in fact discussing her wishes well in advance is a kindness. You will not be second guessing what she would have wanted.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 11/01/2023 20:27

Well, you could just have one because she’ll be dead and she won’t know.

I’m not having a funeral (or at least not with a body) because I’ve donated my body to medical science.

LordEmsworth · 11/01/2023 20:28

You can have a memorial service instead. No funeral, but an event for you to remember her and mourn your loss.

Cocolapew · 11/01/2023 20:30

My mum doesn't either and tbh neither do me and DH. My dad died 14 months ago and we went straight to the crematorium, there were still some Covid restrictions in place but mum was adamant that there wasn't to be a funeral.
To be honest I think my dad would have loved a big funeral, he loved being the center of attention but agreed with my mum not to have one because he knew she couldn't cope with it all.
It was over in 10 minutes, he arrived the coffin was put on the stand and after a couple of minutes it disappeared and that was it.

America12 · 11/01/2023 20:30

It's not selfish, I think you should respect her wishes. My father has said the same , but specified where he'd like his ashes , which I will do.
You can remember her in a way you choose.

lobsterkiller · 11/01/2023 20:32

This is what I'm wanting. The family can pick me up and scatter me somewhere, then go have a meal.

Toddlerteaplease · 11/01/2023 20:33

The funeral is for you. Not for her. Do what ever will help you. She won't be able to object!

HeddaGarbled · 11/01/2023 20:34

I’ve been thinking about this myself recently, having attended a few funerals. My view is funerals in their current form are a massive waste of money, particularly coffins. I quite like the idea of a woodland burial.

Won’t your mum’s husband be in charge of funeral arrangements?

amylou8 · 11/01/2023 20:34

I don't want a funeral either. I think they're horrible things. People that love you are sad, people that haven't seen you for years turn up sobbing to be grief tourists. I'd far rather my kids spent the money on something nice. I think you should respect her wishes.

catsonahottinroof · 11/01/2023 20:34

I think you should respect her wishes and I understand because I don't want a funeral either. I understand it is a way of focusing people's grief, but you will have lots of other things to keep you busy once she is gone - death certificate, sorting out probate etc. You can have a party to celebrate her life any time you choose.

gamerchick · 11/01/2023 20:35

It's her choice, why would you go against it? Direct cremation all the way here. There's nothing stopping people having a wake or some sort of celebration in her memory if they want. You dont have to gather around a coffin first.

The thought gives me the heebies for me.

UsuallySuze · 11/01/2023 20:35

A friend of mine had a private cremation followed very swiftly by a memorial service with the ashes present. Would this be something that you could both be happy with?

Jellykat · 11/01/2023 20:35

My friend didnt want a funeral last year..
There was a private cremation (she didnt have any family) then another friend and i held a 'scattering of the ashes meet up' for everyone, in the place she had named..
She also wanted 20 of her friends to go out for a meal on her that night.
It was all absolutely perfect!
There are other ways to mourn and celebrate.

Dita73 · 11/01/2023 20:36

I don’t want one either. I’m only 49 but I’m certain about my decision. For a start no one looks forward to a funeral. They’re not exactly joyous occasions. My youngest daughter is incredibly shy and would be so uncomfortable getting upset amongst lots of people. If my daughters want to they can say goodbye to me in their own way. As for everyone else,I highly doubt they’ll give a toss. They’d just feel an obligation to go and show their faces. Waste of time

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 11/01/2023 20:37

I've told my husband that I don't care what's done with me as I won't be aware of it or there to witness it. My preference would be one of those buried in a cardboard box in the root of a sapling deals so my body can feed a tree, no wake, no service. If he or my daughter needs a service for closure then do whatever he thinks is right.

Speak to your mum, let her know that you can respect her desire for small, simplistic, lack of fanfare but that you would like some kind of service when the time comes because it's important to you. See what she says.

Original poster
Snickerdoodle17 · 11/01/2023 20:37

We aren't the sort of family to have a formal funeral - no religion and she's always said she wanted to be cremated so imagined I'd scatter her ashes somewhere meaningful that she loved. However, she said she doesn't want that and to just leave her ashes in the crematorium and not worry about them!

She's always been quite matter of fact about death but this is taking it to another level! She included any sort of celebration of her life in this discussion so no wake or memorial either. Yes, she obviously can't stop us doing it if we want to, but I'm just baffled why she'd suddenly come out with this.

OP posts:
glasshole · 11/01/2023 20:37

My dad has already paid for his direct cremation. Doesn't want fuss at any churches or any service etc. He has said he is fine with us having a get together with his friends, reminiscing over photos etc and having plenty of food and booze. He just doesn't want to waste money on flowers and cars and ask that bollox that isn't important him. I have to say I totally agree! My nans funeral was £7k and was nothing special at all. I would 100% prefer my kids to save that money and take my grand kids on holiday and raise a glass to me while away.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2023 20:38

MIL didn't want a funeral so we had a drop in piss up at her house. Lots of people sharing stories, drinking the whisky, being happy thinking about her.

No formality but it was ver 'her'.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2023 20:39

My mum’s the same. Apart from the elopement the sound very similar. I respect her wishes and I’m sure we can have a celebration of her life once she’s gone.

Januarysux · 11/01/2023 20:39

Your mum has mentioned this once and seemed vague about it. It doesn't sound like something she is firmly committed to. The idea that people aren't sad if there isn't a funeral seems pretty naive.
Some of the "not-a-funeral" events described on the thread basically sound like funerals to me!

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2023 20:39

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2023 20:38

MIL didn't want a funeral so we had a drop in piss up at her house. Lots of people sharing stories, drinking the whisky, being happy thinking about her.

No formality but it was ver 'her'.

That sounds really nice.

Adviceneeded200 · 11/01/2023 20:41

Two things are important to me

How the body is treated should be a choice of that person. Cremation, buriel, medical science, etc

The celebration of life , funeral, memorial etc for the living. But if she doesn't want a funeral then something more gentle she would hopefully agree to having for you to remember her by and make it as uplifting as possible. The more she helps the easier it will be. I found it very stressful sorting mums as it was sudden snd she had given no preferences

PaperMonster · 11/01/2023 20:42

Seems to be the trend currently amongst my parents’ friends, they’re all paying for private cremations prior to their deaths.