Mum doesn't want a funeral

[Snickerdoodle17]

My mum dropped a bombshell recently by telling me that she doesn't want to have a funeral. She's not yet 70 and in reasonable health so hopefully we won't be facing this situation for some time, but I'm surprised and a bit sad to hear this. I don't know why she would wish this to be frank as obvs she won't be around to see it! Her reasoning was vague when I asked her why - something about not wanting all the fuss and people being sad. She asked me if I'd be ok with this and asked me to think about it before coming back to her.

We are quite close but she has form for taking big life decisions or withholding important news from family. A few years ago she got married without letting my sibling and I know! We knew she was intending to get married in a low-key way but expected to be invited to a registry office
ceremony, but she rang one day and said she and her partner had just gone and eloped by themselves. It wasn't the not being invited to see her get married - although that was disappointing- but more that she didn't tell us beforehand.

I'm not sure what to think about not having a funeral for her - surely it's a focal point for grief and if there isn't one, won't we kind of feel 'in limbo'? Funerals are for those left behind surely so is it selfish of her not to want one? I guess im kind of hoping someone can shed light on why she'd do this.

My dad passed away 18month ago We didn't have a funeral - he didn't want one. I was a bit torn as I have 2 adult children who had never lost anyone before but it felt right as it was his wishes. He didn't want a fuss, people who had never bothered with him for years to attend, and more important to him he wanted to use the money that would be spent on the funeral for his grandkids.

We had a family meal, my mother went to stay with my brother for a few weeks. I decided that I would like the ashes (my brother did also so we had them split), we bought a rose each and now dad lives on in our gardens.

My SIL didn’t have a funeral. She was privately cremated and her closest family scattered her ashes at a loved spot and then everyone plus friends and wider family had a wake with photos and a eulogy and toasts.

It was very ‘her’ and appropriate.

My Dad didn't want a funeral. He was cremated and we were sent a jar of ashes and we travelled and went to the top of his favourite mountains and left some of his ashes there. It was great, actually.

I don't want a funeral. They're absolutely awful with everyone hanging around in tears and grief. I just don't want that for my loved ones when I die.

My neighbours son passed away last year. He didn't have a funeral and I was really shocked as I'd never heard of this before. The family attended the crematorium to see the hearse arrive but that was it. No ceremony.

They did hold a wake at the local pub for friends and family to come to and that was nice but I must admit it felt very strange to me to not have the opportunity to pay last respects. Funerals are for the living but they're also an opportunity to pay your respects to the dead. But if she doesn't want one, then she doesn't want one!

My mum doesn’t either. She wants a direct cremation and then we’ll have a massive party with lots of champagne to celebrate and remember her.

Ultimately, she’ll be dead so you can do what you like but having experienced direct cremation before with another family member it was actually a lot better than I’d imagined.

I think in my mum’s case she’s worried no one will turn up. Which is daft cos she’s got so many people who would be there. But I am happy to go along with whatever she would prefer. I don’t think it’s up to me. If I feel different at the time, I’ll just do what I feel is most appropriate. Any service after death is for the people left behind, not the person who has died.

My mum had direct to cremation. It was actually a relief as we didn’t want to plan a funeral just after her shock death. Close to Christmas and they had only just moved hundreds of miles to a new place. Logistics of people coming or moving her body was a nightmare.

On the day we as a family video called together and told lovely stories about her. We might do something with the ashes later on.

Having been stuck at home for a while I have seen a lot of pay for your funeral now and your body will be collected, taken away for cremation and then ashes returned to family or whoever you want to have them. Some of these companies have run in to financial difficulties.

Check out Direct Cremation. It's becoming popular. You can have the burial with.nobody present but they do play music of your choice.

You can then have a get together at another time to remember the person.

I completely agree.

One of my family members died recently. I know they'd have been furious at the expense, especially as they'd stated they wanted the cheapest possible cremation.

Other family members spent a huge amount because they like a big do. I was uncomfortable with it.

My Dad didn't want a funeral either. We were so relieved he told us exactly what he wanted: a very small cremation service with family only, then a large dinner, specified venue. Your Mum has started the conversation, which is great. She's told you what she doesn't want, now maybe talk about what she would like, however small or unexpected it may be.

The thing is, she’ll be dead. You can do whatever you want. Think of it as the ultimate liberation from a mum who sounds cranky quite controlling

Both of my parents want to be cremated and that is exactly what they’re getting. They both went through the funeral process of burying their parents while also grieving their deaths and they don’t want to put us through that. They have massive families so it would be not only a lot of work, but very costly on top of my sister and I living far from them with me and my family in another country.

My maternal grandmother was cremated and her ashes sits on my mother’s mantle next to a picture of my grandmother before she became wheelchair bound and a picture of her with my mother, my sister and me, three generations in one picture. That picture meant a lot to her.

I’ve said I don’t want a funeral. They are a waste of money. I’ve told my lot to go out for a decent meal, on me and celebrate my life.

How disrespectful and selfish. Her mother, her life, her death, her funeral. She deserves respect.

I don't want one either. I'm not religious.

We had funerals for my parents because we knew that's what they would want/expect. But I took no comfort from either occasion and found it very distressing knowing that my dead mum/dad were in a wooden box right in front of me. People turned up to 'pay their respects' or 'say goodbye' that they hadn't seen for years. All I could think was that I wished they'd made the effort to visit my parents when they were alive. They would have loved that. Not much point once they were dead.

Having said that, if my dcs told me they wanted to have a funeral for me I wouldn't mind if they would take comfort from it.

We had a direct cremation for an elderly relative who died recently. Most of her friends and relatives were too old/lived too far away to travel so we told them the time of the cremation and asked them all to sit quietly and think of her at that time. Lots of people messaged to say what they'd done - raised a glass, sat outside and looked at the sky, looked through old photos of her etc. We are now planning to scatter her ashes at a place special to her.

Very similar to you OP in that my dad in his 70's has told me this recently too. It surprised me but he explained that when he attended his close friends funeral he didn't really like what people where saying about his friend. Not bad stuff but he felt it didn't reflect his friend in the way that he viewed him. He doesn't want the same thing to happen at his funeral and so doesn't want one. So it's been a recent-ish decision for him. I'm not sure what I will do and honestly will go with what my mother wants to do if she has outlived him.

I don't think it's anything to do with covid as direct cremations have been rising for a while. When my dad was terminal in 2016 we discussed it and all agreed that we would do this. I personally have never 'got' funerals, don't feel it helps, hate showing emotion in front of people and feel they are a waste of an awful lot of money that could have better uses. I have a file where I have all relevant information for my adult children to keep it simple for them and a leaflet in there for the company I used for dad with instructions. It's bad enough organising all the death certificate and notifying relevant institutions/sorting out bills/house ect without having to organise a funeral too.

My parents didn’t want funerals. After burying their son and doing it all ‘right’ they were adamant that we weren’t to waste our money on a funeral. They also absolutely hated how many people got drunk at my brothers wake. It really upset them and it was all they could think (and talk) about after.

They died within weeks of each other. Pure Cremation were contacted and sorted it all out. Cost less than £4k. Ashes were delivered to me a couple of weeks after and my siblings and I scattered their ashes together on a beach and had a cuppa together after.

Was exactly right for them and us. It’s also what DH and I have agreed to do, now we’ve seen how well it was done.

It's becoming an increasingly common choice.
Dh is a lawyer who deals with wills and probate matters and, especially in the last couple of years, he is seeing more and more people requesting no funeral or wake.

Fwiw my fil died during covid when numbers were restricted to 10 for a funeral and there was nomwake allowed at all. We thought this would be difficult but actually it was okay. It felt very personal and private, and I'm actually think mil, dh and his brother’s found it a bit easier to do than a big funeral might have been.
Instead we had a family meal a little later when they were allowed, which again was lovely.

Surely it's her choice. I also do not want a funeral.

This.

my mums funeral was horrible religious and loads of people turned up she hadnt seen for years

i wanted to tell them to piss off

i dont blame your mum

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister

Have you read the small print ?
My friends mother spent years saying she had filled out the forms to donate her body .When my friend contacted them after her mother's death they didn't need her as they had a surplus . So it's not an absolute.

Told my DH to chuck me in a skip if he wants when I kick the bucket. IMO funerals are a massive pointless expense. I’d rather him spend it on a holiday or something enjoyable. We eloped as well- both wanted it to be just us.