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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum doesn't want a funeral

256 replies

Snickerdoodle17 · 11/01/2023 20:23

My mum dropped a bombshell recently by telling me that she doesn't want to have a funeral. She's not yet 70 and in reasonable health so hopefully we won't be facing this situation for some time, but I'm surprised and a bit sad to hear this. I don't know why she would wish this to be frank as obvs she won't be around to see it! Her reasoning was vague when I asked her why - something about not wanting all the fuss and people being sad. She asked me if I'd be ok with this and asked me to think about it before coming back to her.

We are quite close but she has form for taking big life decisions or withholding important news from family. A few years ago she got married without letting my sibling and I know! We knew she was intending to get married in a low-key way but expected to be invited to a registry office
ceremony, but she rang one day and said she and her partner had just gone and eloped by themselves. It wasn't the not being invited to see her get married - although that was disappointing- but more that she didn't tell us beforehand.

I'm not sure what to think about not having a funeral for her - surely it's a focal point for grief and if there isn't one, won't we kind of feel 'in limbo'? Funerals are for those left behind surely so is it selfish of her not to want one? I guess im kind of hoping someone can shed light on why she'd do this.

OP posts:
MrAloysiusSnuffleupagus · 11/01/2023 21:11

I have a friend who’s MIL wanted direct cremation so that’s what they did.
My DM has said she is happy to have a Direct cremation. DP has already paid up for their direct cremation. I don’t know what to think really. Funerals are for those left behind, not the deceased. My own PIL had a lovely (as it could be) send off and DGM’s was the loveliest funeral I’ve ever been to.

it seems so odd not to have that farewell but if it’s what people want then it seems wrong to go against it.

user1494050295 · 11/01/2023 21:11

My mum didn’t either. I threw a massive party for her here and on Australia a few months later. She would have loved it. Family and friends loved it.

CuriousMama · 11/01/2023 21:15

Dh and I are doing direct funerals. Adult dcs are on board. They're relieved. We've had plenty of traditional funerals in my family so know what we don't want.
They can get together and celebrate our lives if they want. Up to them. And scatter the ashes wherever. Dh has stipulated where he wants his scattered but I don't mind.

darjeelingrose · 11/01/2023 21:18

My mum has said similar and honestly, and she's in good health, I find it really annoying. She wants her to have the sort of event that she would enjoy, so a party type thing that she would like, and we all remember her and stuff, but this is not who me and my brother are. Assuming she outlives my dad, (she is younger) I don't know what we will do. I wouldn't even think about it, but she brings it up! We would both hate what she would like. So I don't know. Having done stuff for funerals (like not wearing black, but navy was ok, so funeral in a less comfortable navy option rather than my no brainer black dress) I'm not sure how much the funeral should be tailored to the requests of the person who died. I do understand respecting not spending money on these things, but I don't know how much you should make yourself unhappy for somebody who is not there. Especially when you are the closest relative.

AppleTreeOwner · 11/01/2023 21:19

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 11/01/2023 20:27

Well, you could just have one because she’ll be dead and she won’t know.

I’m not having a funeral (or at least not with a body) because I’ve donated my body to medical science.

Speaking from experience.
If you are donating your body to science, please make sure you have a plan B.
My late mother had informed us all that she was donating her body and had all the signed paperwork. However, they would not accept her body ( due to recent abdominal surgery) and the family had to then decide and agree what she would then want. This was not what we wanted at a devastating time.
We found out over a week after her death after conversations between the hospital and the university about the circumstances around her death.

KangarooKenny · 11/01/2023 21:21

She’ll be dead, she won’t know what you do.

AuntieMarys · 11/01/2023 21:21

glasshole · 11/01/2023 20:37

My dad has already paid for his direct cremation. Doesn't want fuss at any churches or any service etc. He has said he is fine with us having a get together with his friends, reminiscing over photos etc and having plenty of food and booze. He just doesn't want to waste money on flowers and cars and ask that bollox that isn't important him. I have to say I totally agree! My nans funeral was £7k and was nothing special at all. I would 100% prefer my kids to save that money and take my grand kids on holiday and raise a glass to me while away.

Exactly what I'm doing. Funerals are a complete waste of money in my opinion and hypocritical. So I'm having direct cremation and if they want a bit of a do, they can.
My family know and accept it. They'd rather have the money!

AppleTreeOwner · 11/01/2023 21:24

My mother did not want a funeral and neither did my surviving dad. We respected that.
Instead we had a lovely memorial afternoon at her home a few months later when her prised garden was in full bloom. She had many lifelong friends who all came- giving more notice of the date meant they could make arrangements for travel and book accommodation for the weekend ( it as on a Saturday).

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 11/01/2023 21:25

I’m doing that because I don’t want my kids wasting money. Even in my grandmas day, she didn’t want anything fancy, she wanted her kids to go for tea at the local “posh” restaurant then go to the pictures.

LetsDoThis2023 · 11/01/2023 21:25

She won't be there. It's not for her.

WandaWonder · 11/01/2023 21:26

I will do whatever my parents want, it is up to them

LetsDoThis2023 · 11/01/2023 21:26

I like the idea of having a wake.

LetsDoThis2023 · 11/01/2023 21:27

Jellykat · 11/01/2023 20:35

My friend didnt want a funeral last year..
There was a private cremation (she didnt have any family) then another friend and i held a 'scattering of the ashes meet up' for everyone, in the place she had named..
She also wanted 20 of her friends to go out for a meal on her that night.
It was all absolutely perfect!
There are other ways to mourn and celebrate.

That sounds lovely 😊

LetsDoThis2023 · 11/01/2023 21:28

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2023 20:38

MIL didn't want a funeral so we had a drop in piss up at her house. Lots of people sharing stories, drinking the whisky, being happy thinking about her.

No formality but it was ver 'her'.

💛

lifeinthehills · 11/01/2023 21:29

After paying for a funeral, I have directed my family that I do not need or want a funeral and what I think is best to do. I have given them the caveat that if they feel strongly that they need a funeral, they should do that, but for them, not me.

menareallthesame · 11/01/2023 21:30

My auntie, who I am very close to, died last year and had no funeral, memorial service, nothing. I have to be honest, I didn’t grieve her death at all as when I found out she had died I was shocked and then it didn’t really feel real and there’s been no closure. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone to be honest, a year later and I still feel kind of nothing as I didn’t have any kind of focus after if that makes sense.

menareallthesame · 11/01/2023 21:30

And look I’ve written about her in the present tense 😩

Growlybear83 · 11/01/2023 21:32

If you're made aware of a next of kin's wishes for what happens when they die, I don't think there is anything more disrespectful than to not follow their wishes. I'm having a similar debate with my daughter at the moment. I feel incredibly strongly that I want to be cremated when I die, and if I outlive my husband she will be the only person to make arrangements when I die. However, but she says her religion forbids her for making arrangements for a cremation rather than a burial regardless of my wishes. I wouldn't dream of not following someone's wishes when they die and went to great lengths to make sure my mother had exactl

FlutterbButterfly · 11/01/2023 21:34

ExtraOnions · 11/01/2023 20:27

Funerals aren’t for the dead, they are for the living … they are an opportunity to give thanks, and say goodbye. It’s an important part of the grieving process.

To be brutal, she’ll be dead, you can do what you want. People will be sad, whether there is a funeral or not.

No, no you can't! Although I understand what you are saying you absolutely do need to respect wishes. My lovely mum asked for the same, it was a shock, she had been ill but it was her dying wish. I agree closure was tricky but no way was I going against what she wanted. OP don't do what you want as hide as it is.

Love you Mum X ❤

Growlybear83 · 11/01/2023 21:34

Whoops my finger slipped. I made sure that my mother had exactly the send off that she wants when she died last year, even it wasn't what I would have wanted, because I saw it as the last thing I could ever do for her.

FluffyFluffyClouds · 11/01/2023 21:35

KangarooKenny · 11/01/2023 21:21

She’ll be dead, she won’t know what you do.

This. ^^^

Now: "Gotcha Mum. Absolutely!"
Then: whatever you feel best.

Fwiw I had a direct burial for my own Mum but then organised a get together for everyone separately.
Now, I did have a celebrant, but, well.. if you had a gathering where you said,
"Mum said she didn't want a funeral, so we organised a direct cremation and scattered her ashes in Place Whatever ,
"you are all invited to venue X on this date as we would like to thank you all for your love and friendship and support of Mum over the years and to hear all your stories about her"...

I mean that's not a funeral, and not strictly a commemoration of her life?

StarInTheHeavens · 11/01/2023 21:35

My Nan didn't want one either. She went straight from the mortuary to a hole in the ground. No prayers or speeches, nothing.

Campervangirl · 11/01/2023 21:40

I'd like the same, one of those companies who take you away and return your ashes to your family, like you, my dd really doesn't want me to do this.
My reasoning is I don't have a big family or many friends so a funeral seems pointless.
Also my dm died this year, she was in the funeral home for 3 weeks and everyone was trooping through to see her in the funeral home, we basically watched her body deteriorate, it was bloody awful and my mum would have hated to know we saw her like that and I definitely don't want people seeing me lying in my coffin.
Funerals are for the living but shouldn't we respect the deceased's wishes?

laloue · 11/01/2023 21:41

My step dad died in November, turns out he too wanted a direct cremation. It was perfect for us as we were dreading any kind of ceremony, as well as dealing with family from all over.We had notification of the date and time of the cremation as well as the location and all that happened was my mum sat at home, lit a candle, made a pot of tea and played Neil Young very loud, with a few relatives doing similar around the country. Seems ideal to me too. How you celebrate their life after that is up to you, I think the point is he didn’t like the idea of the sadness or burden of a “normal” funeral.

Stevie6 · 11/01/2023 21:52

My DF has paid for his own direct cremation, it's completely his choice. We know where he would like his ashes scattered and that will be our final goodbye