Mum doesn't want a funeral

[Snickerdoodle17]

My mum dropped a bombshell recently by telling me that she doesn't want to have a funeral. She's not yet 70 and in reasonable health so hopefully we won't be facing this situation for some time, but I'm surprised and a bit sad to hear this. I don't know why she would wish this to be frank as obvs she won't be around to see it! Her reasoning was vague when I asked her why - something about not wanting all the fuss and people being sad. She asked me if I'd be ok with this and asked me to think about it before coming back to her.

We are quite close but she has form for taking big life decisions or withholding important news from family. A few years ago she got married without letting my sibling and I know! We knew she was intending to get married in a low-key way but expected to be invited to a registry office
ceremony, but she rang one day and said she and her partner had just gone and eloped by themselves. It wasn't the not being invited to see her get married - although that was disappointing- but more that she didn't tell us beforehand.

I'm not sure what to think about not having a funeral for her - surely it's a focal point for grief and if there isn't one, won't we kind of feel 'in limbo'? Funerals are for those left behind surely so is it selfish of her not to want one? I guess im kind of hoping someone can shed light on why she'd do this.

Respecting the wishes of the deceased is the last thing we can do for them.

This is the bottom line and I think we all agree with that. Where we seem to deviate is what should determine those wishes. If we really love our family and want to help them through the pain of losing us we surely take their wishes into account, don’t we? If a funeral would help them it feels unkind to deny it to them.

If my parents had decreed direct cremation I’d have done it but it would have really hurt. As it was it was standing room only in the crematorium (remarkable for two people in their late 90s) and seeing the physical manifestation of the great respect and affection for them was very comforting.

'If we really love our family and want to help them through the pain of losing us we surely take their wishes into account, don’t we? If a funeral would help them it feels unkind to deny it to them.'

Yes you're right it really is a discussion that needs to be had with all wishes taken into account. I've said to our dc what I'd like but if they said oh no it would really help us to able to have the cars and the processions then yes, I'd listen and definitely take their feelings into account. I just hate the 'show' of a funeral it all seems so ott, expensive and unnecessary but of course each to their own and if people take comfort from it then that is the main thing. Sorry about your patents .

Parents*

My Mum doesn't either, she has already arranged something (and paid for it) in that we just call them and they collect her, do the cremation then return the ashes to us after, when we can scatter them and have a party at a later date (NOT a wake) if we want, or not. I was a bit surprised, especially as it was all a done deal without discussion but on reflection, it's her decision and we have to accept and support it.

If we really love our family and want to help them through the pain of losing us we surely take their wishes into account, don’t we? If a funeral would help them it feels unkind to deny it to them.

Certainly- but doesn't that apply both ways? If a funeral would add to one's family's pain, it feels unkind to force it on them.

I did not express my preferences to my parents; and would never have morally blackmailed them into rejecting funerals; but was relieved that neither wanted one. If they wanted funerals, I'd have organized them- but for me, THAT would have really hurt. I wouldn't mind the ceremony as such, but having to talk to people who have come to express their condolences adds ENORMOUSLY to my pain.

I would (for myself and loved ones) prefer a later memorial event, which is focused solely on remembering the life of the deceased person, rather than on rituals of mourning and condolence. I was recently involved with helping to prepare a memorial article for my mother. But other people might find such an event meaningless, or that it brings up too many painful memories.

I’ve not really read the other opinions whether it is right or wrong.

My mother passed in her 50s, and organised it all whilst she was still alive with her solicitor, we were shocked when we found out what was arranged.

The arrangements were if her body was not accepted by the “medical research team”, she would have what is known as a “straight to crem” service, which doesn’t involve mourners, non/religious officiants, singing, anything.

Actually typing this I have a few tears in my eyes, and it’s not because we didn’t have a service in her words “a draughty, cold, old building”.

Instead, we met (about 200 of us) at 5pm at a big pub, had a lovely meal, (for the children and “oldies”), and a wonderful evening of karaoke, dancing, reminiscing, a lot of tears and laughter, which my sister and I arranged.

Whst I’m trying to say in my haphazard way, we respected her wishes, but I’m grateful that we decided to have a lovely night with friends and family.