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Original poster

Mum doesn't want a funeral

256 replies

Snickerdoodle17 · 11/01/2023 20:23

My mum dropped a bombshell recently by telling me that she doesn't want to have a funeral. She's not yet 70 and in reasonable health so hopefully we won't be facing this situation for some time, but I'm surprised and a bit sad to hear this. I don't know why she would wish this to be frank as obvs she won't be around to see it! Her reasoning was vague when I asked her why - something about not wanting all the fuss and people being sad. She asked me if I'd be ok with this and asked me to think about it before coming back to her.

We are quite close but she has form for taking big life decisions or withholding important news from family. A few years ago she got married without letting my sibling and I know! We knew she was intending to get married in a low-key way but expected to be invited to a registry office
ceremony, but she rang one day and said she and her partner had just gone and eloped by themselves. It wasn't the not being invited to see her get married - although that was disappointing- but more that she didn't tell us beforehand.

I'm not sure what to think about not having a funeral for her - surely it's a focal point for grief and if there isn't one, won't we kind of feel 'in limbo'? Funerals are for those left behind surely so is it selfish of her not to want one? I guess im kind of hoping someone can shed light on why she'd do this.

OP posts:
FairyBatman · 11/01/2023 22:43

I think it’s up to the individual what happens to their body, their wishes should be respected in death as much as in life. However personally I think it’s a bit off to say no celebration, no wake no anything as that’s for the living and they should be free to come together and celebrate/ mourn / remember / grieve as they wish.

Every human culture has some kind of ritual to honour the dead, for whatever reason it’s baked into our psyche and helps us to grieve.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/01/2023 22:44

My mum has made it quite clear she doesn't want a funeral either ,she's a similar age as yours OP.

DillDanding · 11/01/2023 22:52

Not having a funeral is becoming a huge thing.

Through my job, I have involvement with a crematorium. Direct cremations have become hugely popular over the last few years. Last year alone, the number more than quadrupled on the year prior.

I think it’s what I’d like for me. Funerals are a horrible ordeal imo. But wakes are great. I’d like everyone to just skip to the good bit.

Hobbesmanc · 11/01/2023 22:55

My lovely FIL died in October. He wanted a direct cremation. We're having a family and friends memorial in the spring. Very low key

evemillbank · 11/01/2023 22:56

Oh and perhaps I should say I'm only in my 30s. It's just my choice.

Rainallnight · 11/01/2023 22:57

Spellegrin · 11/01/2023 22:18

How disrespectful and selfish. Her mother, her life, her death, her funeral. She deserves respect.

Show quote history

She’ll be dead. And she doesn’t sound like a respectful person herself while she’s alive.

magicthree · 11/01/2023 23:01

I had a direct cremation for my mother, and my father decided it was a good idea and has pre-paid for his own. I also would like one. I was very close to my mother and dreaded the idea of having to attend her funeral, so found the direct cremation a much better way. I can't say I ever felt "in limbo". I'm also an only child so the decision was solely mine (parents divorced).

magicthree · 11/01/2023 23:03

I also think that as the funeral is generally paid for from the deceased person's estate then it should be their choice.

JudgeRudy · 11/01/2023 23:03

You say your mum has form regards decision making in the past and I'm assuming her easoning in part is that it's about her not you. You do realise that unless she's specified something to the contrary the funeral arrangements would fall to her husband if he's still alive. Perhaps they've both agreed they don't want to 'dump' the other with that responsibility. By being specific there's less liklihood of friction between her childrenand her husband. If you suspect this is the case, ask if anyone would object to you organising a wake as it's what you and your sister need. I suspect she'll say do as you please but there's no provision made for that.
In fairness she has told you. A real bombshell would be finding out after her death. Clear things up and concentrate on living.

Rainallnight · 11/01/2023 23:20

magicthree · 11/01/2023 23:03

I also think that as the funeral is generally paid for from the deceased person's estate then it should be their choice.

No, cos rhe money will belong to whomever it’s been left to.

And a funeral has to happen long before probate goes through so in face the survivors just pay it out of their own pockets and they may then be made good by the estate.

Unless someone has taken out a funeral plan, in which case, yes, it’s pretty much their money.

Thatiswild · 11/01/2023 23:31

My mum and I had this conversation recently and she asked me how I would feel about her just being cremated and then us scattering her ashes in one or various places where we had lovely memories together and having a meal out together as immediate family (her 3 kids & their families) to talk about her and raise a glass. I said what about friends? She said I could offer them the chance to visit where ashes were and think about her if they’d like and could invite them to our meal if we wanted but she doesn’t like the idea of a service of any kind as she finds they’re a depressing thing and a duty.

I am fine with her choice. We’ve had some tragic deaths to deal with in our family and I think that hasn’t helped, she has always been very comfortable talking about death, I have no problem not having a funeral because the way she wants it sounds lovely.

Perhaps you could go back to your mum with an idea of something similar to give you a chance to say goodbye in your own way?

Threeboysandadog · 11/01/2023 23:39

Dh and I have an insurance policy, taken out some years ago, to cover the cost of our funerals. We did this after my Mothers funeral was hideously expensive. I’m now of the mind that I’d rather be cremated cheaply and my boys make use of the money. We got married in the registry office with our older ds’s as witnesses and the wee one as a ring bearer so it seems quite fitting.

Seasider2017 · 12/01/2023 00:18

I’ve told my only son that I want a direct cremation and I will be paying for one upfront
reason being
i font like funeral, I think most people are false and only come for the buffet and see it as a day out.
I do have sisters, talk to each other but not close, they are all older than me and 1 as mobility issues. They also would have difficulty finding and getting to my crematorium area,

I will be going straight to the crem(don’t have any friends) if any family wish to come they can
dp (if still alive) & son can decide between them
Ashes will be delivered to dp&son

bluefrog11 · 12/01/2023 00:25

Good for her. I wouldn’t want one either. They just make everyone terribly sad and are very expensive. I’d rather my family used the money to take a nice weekend away somewhere I enjoyed and chuck my ashes in the sea whilst they were there.

B1rds · 12/01/2023 00:33

I feel like this. I suppose it comes from low self esteem as a result of a neglectful and abusive childhood. You never really get past it. And think that nobody will miss you.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 12/01/2023 01:12

This is what I'd like too.
I'd rather them spend the money saved on a funeral on a week away
I will make them aware soon!( I'm 58)

BootifulLoser · 12/01/2023 01:14

A funeral is held for the benefit of the mourners, not for the deceased person.
So it should be yours and siblings' decision whether to hold a funeral for your mum.
If it will upset her you can tell her you will go along with her wishes... she will never know the difference.

IntoTheDeepDark · 12/01/2023 01:32

All our family are having direct to crem funerals with no service.
My Dad died last year and this is what he had. It's what he wanted and what we all wanted. The ashes were disposed of by the crematorium. I don't know where or when they were disposed of. It's irrelevant to me (and my family) It's insulting to suggest you can't grieve someone unless you have a funeral. I really miss my Dad and having a funeral wouldn't have made any difference at all. To me the body is just a body. It's got no significance at all to anything. My Mum and my brothers and sisters are all really glad that we did it this way.

The fact it was cheap was a bonus too but was not a factor in any of our decision.

I've written in my will that I want a direct to crem with no service.

OP can do what she likes I suppose but I would feel bad going against someone wishes.

Rebel2023 · 12/01/2023 01:35

My dad has saved a load of money "for his funeral" and has told me to do a direct cremation and go shopping with the rest Blush
Thanks dad... Confused

magicthree · 12/01/2023 02:57

No, cos rhe money will belong to whomever it’s been left to.

Until the person dies it is their money, and if they don't want a huge chunk of it spent on their own funeral it is their decision - even though they have gone by the time said funeral happens.

And a funeral has to happen long before probate goes through so in face the survivors just pay it out of their own pockets and they may then be made good by the estate.

I don't live in the UK, and here the funeral is generally paid for by the estate - and funerals here are held much more quickly than in the UK.

Ericaequites · 12/01/2023 03:49

Preened planning and paying for a direct cremation makes things much easier after the loss, as fewer decisions need to be made. My late partner and I believe a body is just the home your soul uses during life.

ShippingNews · 12/01/2023 03:53

My BIL died earlier this week, and this is just what his wife is doing ( on his request). They have already had a private cremation , and on Saturday she is having a morning get-together for his family and friends . She has called it " A Remembrance of David" and we are invited to bring along our memories of him, funny stories to share, etc. Seems perfect to me.

Dita73 · 12/01/2023 04:11

I think my husband’s hoping I die on a Wednesday so he can put me out with the black bin the next morning 👍🏻

Nandocushion · 12/01/2023 04:51

Hi OP. Not going to read through the 5 pages of comments so not sure how many times this has already been said, but we have a relative who was similarly matter-of-fact about things die recently and she said no funeral etc, so we are having a celebration of her life, for us, at a later date. It won't be a funeral as her remains will long since have been disposed of in the manner she wished, but for the living the later ceremony will feel a suitable sendoff that the rest of us would like, and everyone will be happy. I hope you can do a similar thing if it suits you.

Murdoch1949 · 12/01/2023 05:52

I'm in my 70's and have told my children I want a direct cremation - straight from mortuary to crematorium, no service, no congregation. I want the minimum of fuss because I truly cannot see the point. I have gone. The ashes are nothing but debris. I want the minimum of expenditure, it's a total waste of money. If my children go against my wishes, that's fine, it's up to them, but they know I want zero fuss. If it's good enough for David Bowie, it's good enough for me.

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