Mum doesn't want a funeral

[Snickerdoodle17]

My mum dropped a bombshell recently by telling me that she doesn't want to have a funeral. She's not yet 70 and in reasonable health so hopefully we won't be facing this situation for some time, but I'm surprised and a bit sad to hear this. I don't know why she would wish this to be frank as obvs she won't be around to see it! Her reasoning was vague when I asked her why - something about not wanting all the fuss and people being sad. She asked me if I'd be ok with this and asked me to think about it before coming back to her.

We are quite close but she has form for taking big life decisions or withholding important news from family. A few years ago she got married without letting my sibling and I know! We knew she was intending to get married in a low-key way but expected to be invited to a registry office
ceremony, but she rang one day and said she and her partner had just gone and eloped by themselves. It wasn't the not being invited to see her get married - although that was disappointing- but more that she didn't tell us beforehand.

I'm not sure what to think about not having a funeral for her - surely it's a focal point for grief and if there isn't one, won't we kind of feel 'in limbo'? Funerals are for those left behind surely so is it selfish of her not to want one? I guess im kind of hoping someone can shed light on why she'd do this.

I don't want one either, DF had a direct cremation and I want the same, DH does want a funeral and we will respect each other's wishes

Some people won't have a choice anyway if there is not much or no estate, a direct cremation costs about £1k, a funeral at least £4k.

I don't want a funeral, I've told dh to get me cremated as cheap as possible and take our daughters to a certain spot to scatter ashes and then have a nice meal.

While I know most people at funerals are genuine I've seen a lot of fake grief at funerals and hate the idea of people pretending they liked me or were close when they didn't really bother in real life.

My dad had a direct cremation. Straight from the morgue to the crematorium and that was that. No service, not even drinks at the pub, as my sour faced step mum didn’t want that. It felt like I didn’t have closure and I still don’t even know what day this ‘direct cremation’ happened!

well, it’s great she opened the discussion when she is healthy and not on the brink of death. Try to engage in dialogue with her - over the years her ideas might evolve or soften, and you can explain your reasons for wanting to share your grief with others and celebrate her life.

my mum hated funerals, she saw too many as a child in wartime, and lost some close friends in adulthood which she found almost unbearably painful.

For some people the funeral doesn’t help at all, it just provides another awful memory to dwell on. I remember the acre pain of seeing my dad’s coffin go through the curtains, and the sound of my mum breaking down next to me. Every funeral I attend brings back memories of all the ones before - I will sob at any funeral, for the loss and grief of everyone I’ve ever lost.

I would urge anybody thinking about a no funeral scenario to remember that it’s a really helpful part of the grieving process

We found our mum”s funeral a few weeks ago immensely comforting.

I really can't understand this attitude, which quite a few people on this thread have expressed. Surely if you loved someone enough to want to have a funeral to commemorate their life, you loved them enough to respect their wishes?

I have told my children (all early 20s!) that I don't want a funeral. I don't have any friends so the only people there would be immediate family which isn't large. Its not worth the money and I would rather they spent the money on themselves and gave me a direct cremation. However I do appreciate that it will depend very much on when I die! They may need the closure that funeral sometimes provides.

Well first one has to define what exactly a funeral is.
You can arrange the crematorium so that the curtains do not close until after you have left, etc
Or you can have a crematorium service just for close family or a driect crematorium and a wake separately.
As some one else said, some kind of get together, memorial service, is part of the grieving process.

I think it's pretty shitty to dictate to the people mourning you how they should go about it.

It's one thing to give your family the freedom to choose - "Don't feel you have to have a funeral for me". It's another totally to tell them what they can and cannot do so that, if they do decide to hold one anyway, they have to deal with the mind-fuck of it being against your wishes.

No one enjoys a funeral, but they can be a really helpful part of mourning (not for everyone, but for some). It's a monumental act of selfishness to deny your loved ones the freedom to do what will help them the most, when you will be dead and unaffected by their choice.

I think the OP’s DM is perfectly entitled, and not at all selfish, to not want to have a funeral. So I think YABU to question her wishes.

My own DM and DF in their late 80s, told me years ago, they had already paid for their cremations, through Pure Cremation, and they have specified a lovely Garden of Remembrance to scatter their ashes. My ex-FIL, who died recently, did not have a funeral either.

Personally, as an Atheist, I will probably not have a funeral, because I can’t think of a good reason to have one. And I’m pretty certain, my own DC will be relieved about that.

It’s definitely becoming a popular choice, and I can totally see why.

The idea of a funeral for me makes my skin crawl. I hate being centre of attention in life, too.

My mother wanted a raucus wake & got a funeral instead, but it's what some of the others wanted & found comforting <shrug>. I won't be there so it's up to others if / how I get remembered.

I'm pleased that you found your mums' funeral a comfort, and I'm sorry for your loss. However, there have been several posts from people who don't find funerals a comfort, more of an ordeal. I coped extremely well with the loss of my mum, who I was very close to, without having to go through a funeral service, and can't imagine how a service could have been really helpful.

My mum doesn’t want one either and to be completely honest, I’m relieved!!

I would find it more comforting knowing I did what the person final act wish was

Don’t you have a three day mourning period in the Mosque or house. It’s what we do here. Generally the men go to the mosque and the women are at home, sometimes in a huge marquee erected in the garden. Some families do have a gathering for women in the mosque but there would also be one at the same time in the house for people who for various reasons don’t want to go to the mosque. After the three days that’s it until about one month later when more prayers are said as a mark of the time passed.

I think there’s a lot to be said for this, there’s a lot of money in the funeral business. Which if you want a big funeral is well earned. The funeral directors who managed a family funeral for us recently were amazing. And to have someone else manage everything was v much needed for that. We were too broken with grief to make any decisions.

but the cars, the flowers, the coffin, where someone has explicitly said and discussed they don’t want that. I think that would give me a sense of relief. And whatever she has said you can still gather to celebrate her life in the way that seems right.

There is no rule book on grieving. My Mum, my family and I found it comforting NOT having a funeral or any kind of service for my Dad.

A year on we are still happy with our decision.

Telling people what is the correct way to grieve is wrong and shows a lack of compassion and understanding.

I'm quite saddened by a lot of these posts. I've been to many lovely funerals which have been more of a celebration with lots of laughs amongst tears. We had 80s music at my DSis's funeral and lots of funny anecdotes at the wake afterwards. A university friend died in tragic circumstances and his funeral brought so many of us together resulting in around 20-30 of us meeting up twice a year. He would have loved to know he was responsible for that! DM arranged her funeral to fit in with the sittings at her bingo club - that was pretty upbeat although a bit irritating that a lot of the attendees had their eye on the clock in case they missed the 2pm big prize!

Funerals are quite different now. It's been a while since I've been to a traditional, hymn singing, morose event. And I'm now at an age where I go to more funerals than weddings or birthday parties... I agree funerals for the living rather than the deceased but I wouldn't go against the wishes of a loved one. I'd be sorry though.

That's really difficult.

We had exactly this for my Dad when he died. Luckily we have always been able to discuss things like this so everyone was aware what the plan was long before my Dad died and luckily everyone was in agreement.
It must be difficult when family members want different things. We're you able to arrange some sort of memorial or get together yourself?

Agree.

Many people find funerals really traumatic and just prefer to grieve in private. I also think (as I said upthread about my difficult relationship with my Mum) close relationships are often more complex than people realise and there’s nothing worse than some 4th cousin removed or something who hasn’t seen that person for 20 odd years coming over to you and telling you how upset you must be or what a terrible thing it is to lose your mum / dad / Bob or whoever when you’ve actually just been through the worst year of your life with that person.

Having had a COVID funeral for my Mam and no wake. Have any sort of event you want after she does that helps you cope. As she's married you can't organise a funeral but you can organise something for you and people who loved her to say goodbye.

@magicthree @WandaWonder @IntoTheDeepDark

I am obviously talking about people who are PLANNING their own; not saying ride roughshod over the departed wishes.

ExtraOnions · Yesterday 20:27
Funerals aren’t for the dead, they are for the living … they are an opportunity to give thanks, and say goodbye. It’s an important part of the grieving process.

To be brutal, she’ll be dead, you can do what you want. People will be sad, whether there is a funeral or not.“

That’s awful. You’d seriously ignore your loved one’s wishes?

We don’t want funerals either. Told our kids years ago. No big deal. Don’t understand at all why it’s a “bombshell”.

Yes there’s a new service called Farewill (I’m sure there are others!) who do the cremation (with no one there) for £1k and then deliver the ashes to the family home and you do what you want with them.