Mum doesn't want a funeral

[Snickerdoodle17]

My mum dropped a bombshell recently by telling me that she doesn't want to have a funeral. She's not yet 70 and in reasonable health so hopefully we won't be facing this situation for some time, but I'm surprised and a bit sad to hear this. I don't know why she would wish this to be frank as obvs she won't be around to see it! Her reasoning was vague when I asked her why - something about not wanting all the fuss and people being sad. She asked me if I'd be ok with this and asked me to think about it before coming back to her.

We are quite close but she has form for taking big life decisions or withholding important news from family. A few years ago she got married without letting my sibling and I know! We knew she was intending to get married in a low-key way but expected to be invited to a registry office
ceremony, but she rang one day and said she and her partner had just gone and eloped by themselves. It wasn't the not being invited to see her get married - although that was disappointing- but more that she didn't tell us beforehand.

I'm not sure what to think about not having a funeral for her - surely it's a focal point for grief and if there isn't one, won't we kind of feel 'in limbo'? Funerals are for those left behind surely so is it selfish of her not to want one? I guess im kind of hoping someone can shed light on why she'd do this.

I don't think what happened in 2020 should be a guide.

People had no choice, and the denial even of outdoor funerals or the opportunity to visit a church for private prayer, was disgraceful. Something Boris Johnson should never be forgiven for.

You are not emotionally mature if you are seeking to control what people do after you are dead. It's a childish form of denial of the reality of death.

Okay then - let's all not bother writing Wills stating who gets what when we die, far too "controlling"

MissLucyEyelesbarrow

And I find it even more bizarre that someone would be so selfish and egotistical to put their own imagined but actually non-existent future preferences (because they will be dead) before what is helpful for the people who mourn them.

People who do this are too emotionally immature to acknowledge the reality of death IMO. It's the ultimate in selfishness - "It can make no actual difference to me, but I'm too selfish to put my family first".

What nonsense. I want a direct cremation, as does my husband, because we don’t want to inflict the godawful (I use that as a descriptive term because we’re all atheist) experience of a funeral conducted by a stranger in a place my family have never been on the people I love.

Our bodies will be taken, cremated according to our wishes and returned to them without fuss. They will then choose the day that they all wish to gather in the place we all without exception loved beyond anywhere else. They will all eat, drink, laugh and listen to the music we adored, in the sunshine on the terrace of our favourite restaurant, where countless life events were celebrated, before they all stroll down to the sea at sunset and cast us off. Whichever of us goes first will wait for the next. Our ashes will be joined and sent off together.

Emotionally immature? Utter rot.

So she's in her late 60s?
She could change her mind. She might live on for another 25 years!
However,I think her wishes should be respected.
One man I know donated his body for medical research so there was no funeral.
His family invited people to his favourite pub for a Saturday afternoon drop in over a few hours. Not organised formally, but there were toasts to him, a few people told some great stories, and there was a collection for his favourite charity.
Another woman I know died at 40 with breast cancer, she didn't want a funeral.
There was a gathering of family and friends in a beautiful park one sunny early Autumn afternoon under beautiful trees with the leaves changing.

cantley · Today 22:47

“Another woman I know died at 40 with breast cancer, she didn't want a funeral.
There was a gathering of family and friends in a beautiful park one sunny early Autumn afternoon under beautiful trees with the leaves changing.“

I had breast cancer in 2016. After mastectomy and some anxiety it’s so far turned out well for me. Did focus the mind, though, and I know full well what I want when I do shuffle off.

What you describe sounds beautiful, personal to the individual and so much more meaningful than a “funeral”.

I suspect lots of outraged people on this thread haven’t had to face potential death.

With stuff like this, it does depend on what people mean by a funeral.

I mean, you have to dispose of the body sensibly. But sometimes people mean that they don't want anyone at the crematorium. Or they don't want any religious ceremony. Or they don't want a party/wake/gathering.

I tend to the view that the dead don't get to make the decisions. You can express a wish before you die, but it may not be possible to carry it out for all sorts of reasons. That's why those wishes cannot be binding in a legal sense.

If not having a funeral would make all the close mourners feel like shit then it's a bad idea, even if it's the deceased's idea. If having a funeral would make all the close mourners feel like shit, then it's a bad idea, even if it's the deceased's idea.

I'm in full agreement with your mum. I've already made it clear that I want direct cremation, no ashes scattering, no memorial service, no wake, no nothing. None of these things are necessary, and I hate unnecessary fuss and sentimentality. My husband dislikes funerals, so he'll be fine with it, and there's enough essential admin after someone dies without adding to it with what is (effectively) party planning.
If I thought someone would ignore my wishes, I'd be furious.

I suspect lots of outraged people on this thread haven’t had to face potential death.

I’m not outraged but I agree with every word of @limoncello23’s post. I arranged funerals for both my parents six months apart. The funerals and their arrangements were cathartic and the grief would have been so much worse without them.

A funeral marks the close of a life and until it happens there’s limbo. The gathering of friends and family and the blanket of support they throw over the bereaved as they pay their respects is so valuable.

There’s a reason that burial and cremation rituals have existed in virtually every society for thousands of years. It’s because they fill a need in the human psyche. Funerals are for the living. The dead aren’t there.

Blossomtoes

There’s a reason that burial and cremation rituals have existed in virtually every society for thousands of years. It’s because they fill a need in the human psyche. Funerals are for the living. The dead aren’t There”

I’m sorry for your losses. I disagree with you, though. They are there, for as long as they are in your memories. What they wished for, after they died, for their bodies, matters. It’s why the pyramids are there.

I could, never, override the wishes of my departed loved ones.

They are there, for as long as they are in your memories.

That’s a Hallmark condolence card line. They’ve gone. They’re not here any more. The Pyramids support my argument, not yours.

My lovely dad passed 3 months ago and chose a direct cremation. I challenged him in the last weeks, he listened and acknowledged but maintained his stance. We haven’t held a celebration of his life yet, my mum hasn’t been up to it.

He was a popular man and the crematorium would have been bursting had he had an attended funeral, but he was also a modest man. He made the right decision for him.

So sorry @Oohthatwind 💐 Do you mind my asking if it was the right decision for you and your mum?

No doubt you'll be the life of the party at your religious funeral, all pomp and ceremony, spare no expense, altar boys being valets, a full choir singing Ave Maria, the best organist... right party for you!

A funeral marks the close of a life and until it happens there’s limbo. The gathering of friends and family and the blanket of support they throw over the bereaved as they pay their respects is so valuable.

People differ here. For some people, such as myself, this 'blanket of support' from others expressing conventional condolences is a nightmare at a time when I need privacy, and makes bereavement even more painful than it would be otherwise. Of course, emotional and practical support from really close people is important, but a funeral is not needed for that. I realize that not everyone is the same, and I would never seek to deny it to those who do find comfort in it, but it doesn't apply to everyone.

And the close of a life is usually recognized when it happens, and a funeral is not needed before it can be acknowledged. Again, this may vary both with the personality of the bereaved and the circumstances of the death; but surely someone who was with a person on the day they died will recognize their death immediately and not be in limbo until the funeral.

There’s a reason that burial and cremation rituals have existed in virtually every society for thousands of years. It’s because they fill a need in the human psyche. Funerals are for the living. The dead aren’t there.

Surely, many people believe, and even more believed in the past, that the dead are there in some form? As souls in an afterlife; or as ghosts; or even as in some sense continuing their lives from the grave - e.g. in some cultures people were often buried with their possessions. And many burial rituals involve religious services for the welfare of the departing soul. I do not myself believe in an afterlife, but it's a widespread belief and is key to many funeral rites.

@MrsSkylerWhite I'm so glad you're doing well xx

Is she worried someone from her past will turn up?

Yes the irony seems lost on some on here..

Blossomtoes · Yesterday 23:34
They are there, for as long as they are in your memories.

“That’s a Hallmark condolence card line. They’ve gone. They’re not here any more. The Pyramids support my argument, not yours”

Not at all. The loved ones I’ve lost are as real to me now as they ever were. To go against a person’s wishes as to how their passing is marked or otherwise is the height of disrespect.

People differ here. For some people, such as myself, this 'blanket of support' from others expressing conventional condolences is a nightmare at a time when I need privacy, and makes bereavement even more painful than it would be otherwise. Of course, emotional and practical support from really close people is important, but a funeral is not needed for that. I realize that not everyone is the same, and I would never seek to deny it to those who do find comfort in it, but it doesn't apply to everyone.

I could not have put it better.

I knew when I saw my mother's body in the hospital bed that she had gone forever. I didn't need the added stress of a funeral to tell me that. Having my lovely 80 year old Dad collapse in grief at the graveside will haunt me to my dying day.

For me, I repeat, for ME, I don't get this idea of closure by a funeral. It sounds like, OK, I've been to the funeral, a line has been drawn under that persons life and now we are all back to normal. Mum has been gone more than 20 years now and I still miss her every day. I can still be reduced to tears when I hear her favourite song on the radio. No 'closure' here.

It's really sad to read some of these comments. Once dead people and their wishes just don't count anymore apparently. They aren't here so stuff their opinions and wishes .

Hate to be controversial but, if she has been prone to… secrecy? Then perhaps she’s worried about someone she doesn’t want from her past turning up at her funeral? I’ve had experience of something like this and it tied in with someones wishes to keep things low key.

I have to say that organising the funeral and wake for my OH was helpful to my well-being. I was able to ensure that the farewell was fitting to his personality and was a proper rounding off of his life with friends and family there. And I am absolutely clear that it was a huge help to my DDs, who threw themselves into the arrangements with enthusiasm.

In fact we started planning his funeral while he was dying and unconscious - just sitting by him watching him fade had become so traumatic, so I took them to a nearby pub, bought them all lunch, and we discussed what the funeral might consist of. That might seem a bit sick - but it helped them so much. They went from feeling completely helpless to switching on their creativity to do something for their Dad. There was nothing they could do just sitting by him.

Originally I wanted to be buried with my OH but the idea of his grave being disturbed does not sit well with me, so I have asked for cremation and ashes buried in the topsoil on the grave. I know that my DDs will find the process of organising a wake or funeral therapeutic and hope that it will prove to be so.

My Dad had a direct cremation in June last year (he died in May). His reasoning was always, “my brothers didn’t give a shit about me in life, I’m not feeding the buggers when I’m dead.”

It was surprisingly OK. There was a lot of kick back from his side of the family, but it was his decision which we honoured.

We may have a celebration of life at some point (he’s happily ensconced on my sister’s sideboard at the moment) & scatter the ashes.

In terms of personal grief, I felt better respecting his wishes, than having a final, all out focal point at which to mourn. Grief is a very personal thing. If you feel you need a funeral, then go for it. Funerals are, after all, really about the living than the dead. I had a pretty screwed childhood & a life of fear, obligation & guilt, so even at 49 I didn’t want to go against his wishes (ridiculous I know).

Did my grief change against close friends and family who had large funerals? No, not really. Grief is grief; I’ll admit that seeing family & friends in distress with their grief would upset me more, but that may be me not a general rule.

The one person who kicked off most of all was my Mum (his ex wife). But that may have been she was denied the opportunity of being the centre of attention (as I said, a screwed, terribly religious upbringing).

I don’t blame her they’re horrible! I’m leaving my body to medical science so no family members will be there. They say that a person always turns up to their own funeral to see who’s there, so she’ll know that you ignored her final wishes. You can do your own thing with your mom.

'In fact we started planning his funeral while he was dying and unconscious - just sitting by him watching him fade had become so traumatic, so I took them to a nearby pub, bought them all lunch, and we discussed what the funeral might consist of. That might seem a bit sick - but it helped them so much'

It doesn't sound sick at all. Many families discuss plans when at the end of life stage.

I'm sorry for your loss . The plans and arrangements worked for you
and your family. Would you have considered disregarding his wishes and doing what you wanted as he wouldn't be around so it would be ok though? I would guess not.

Respecting the wishes of the deceased is the last thing we can do for them.