Mum doesn't want a funeral

[Snickerdoodle17]

My mum dropped a bombshell recently by telling me that she doesn't want to have a funeral. She's not yet 70 and in reasonable health so hopefully we won't be facing this situation for some time, but I'm surprised and a bit sad to hear this. I don't know why she would wish this to be frank as obvs she won't be around to see it! Her reasoning was vague when I asked her why - something about not wanting all the fuss and people being sad. She asked me if I'd be ok with this and asked me to think about it before coming back to her.

We are quite close but she has form for taking big life decisions or withholding important news from family. A few years ago she got married without letting my sibling and I know! We knew she was intending to get married in a low-key way but expected to be invited to a registry office
ceremony, but she rang one day and said she and her partner had just gone and eloped by themselves. It wasn't the not being invited to see her get married - although that was disappointing- but more that she didn't tell us beforehand.

I'm not sure what to think about not having a funeral for her - surely it's a focal point for grief and if there isn't one, won't we kind of feel 'in limbo'? Funerals are for those left behind surely so is it selfish of her not to want one? I guess im kind of hoping someone can shed light on why she'd do this.

My Mum has mentioned a direct cremation, and I was a bit surprised about it, but she's never been one for fuss, and I think the cost of it helps too. My sister lost her step-dad last year and he had one, it was over in 15 minutes and just a couple of them were there, so as long as I could be there I'm OK with whatever she wants.

My Dad wants a full on funeral, but we live hours away from where the rest of the family and all his old friends are, so I'm tempted to do the funeral here, and then do a memorial for him up there once his ashes a ready. I'm not sure my siblings would come all the way here for a funeral, so again, it'd probably just be me and Mum. It'd be a bit weird carting a body hundreds of miles up the motorway, wouldn't it?!

Well you can really do what you like as she will be dead. I don't think it is weird of her though

My DM died last year after a very sudden illness, in preparation she paid for a direct cremation, she told us shortly before she passed that there was to be no funeral.
She was never one for a fuss, and I don’t think she could bare the thought of everyone standing around and crying over her.
I really found this hard, I think it really delayed the grieving process and I would urge anyone with close family to reconsider going down this route.
Even though I was actually with her when she passed, I did not accept it for a really long time, I think having a funeral and getting some closure with all the family around us would have made the process easier.

Someone I follow on instagram was saying her father had a direct cremation and she and her siblings felt really lost that day because this dreadful thing in their lives was happening but they had nothing to focus on.

Funerals are not for the dead, they are for the grieving and create structure in the days after a death. I think it's incredibly selfish to insist on no funeral, you are denying your loved ones an important opportunity to mark your death surround by those who knew you.

'I don't want a funeral either. I think they're horrible things. People that loe you are sad, people that haven't seen you for years turn up sobbing to be grief tourists. I'd far rather my kids spent the money on something nice. I think you should respect her wishes.'

Totally agree. I'd hate our dc to go through the awfulness that is a funeral. The ridiculously expensive cars, the funeral directors dressed in top hat and tails, the body in a box. It's just an ancient ritual that needs to end imo. Direct cremation then a knees up is the way to go. Much rather the dc had the money for a holiday.

Please respect her wishes op, you can still have a get together and of course grieve without a set service.

Muslim ceremony here. Just prayers at the lowering of the body. A few words said by an imam and that's enough for me. They can go and have a nice meal after if they wish. Its the norm here to have a wake but I don't think we know enough people

Sounds great !

I will be setting up in advance direct cremation for myself. I dont want DC to have to arrange a funeral with all the stress and drama that brings in my family. They can have a piss up and talk about me or do whatever they like afterwards.

That's what I imagine it would be like...just being given a box of ashes (which if my mum had her way, I'd leave behind!) and no memorial to channel my grief into. I'll have to give it some thought but I think I'd definitely want a wake or something

You don't need a coffin to have a get together to mark someone's passing. Have a bit of an imagination maybe

Exactly @keepcalm11 just a chat with booze!

My mum doesn’t want one. She isn’t interested in us spending thousands on her when she can’t enjoy it and it won’t change the circumstances. She sees it as us throwing money away and I see her point. My aunt didn’t want one and we respected this. We still grieved. It doesn’t change the loss

I think you should do whatever your Mum wants to do as otherwise you will always feel bad about it but there’s nothing to say you can’t have a special remembrance ceremony or get together in her honour - that’s really what you seem to want from a funeral.

My Mum died in 2019 and we had a direct cremation for her. We didn’t have a good relationship and I was her only relative. It seemed utterly daft to have only 4 of us there - me, dh and our two dc. She hadn’t actually told us what she specifically wanted but as her only child I felt most comfortable doing that and then we collected her ashes from the crematorium and I scattered them where she liked to walk her dogs and took my eldest dc when she was little. That felt like the best thing for us. Several people were angry with me - my dad who she divorced from when I was 12 (!) and hadn’t spoken to in 30 years (!) and my ex pils who were horrified we didn’t have a funeral. But she was my only relative and I did what suited me. It seemed utterly ridiculous to me that people she hadn’t spoken to in years wanted to come and say goodbye now! 🙄

Anyway, I’m waffling. But yes, I would do as asked but you can still have some sort of special thing afterwards.

My PIL died within a few months of each other and both had direct cremations. A month or so after FIL died (MIL had gone first) there was a celebration type party. DH and SIL did speeches, as did others. There were tears but also lots of laughter. It was nice although I’m not certain if I’d want it for my parents. My DH is in his mid 40s and has never been to a funeral so wasn’t comparing it to anything else.

The days of the actual cremations were weird though. Sat at my desk working knowing what was going on was odd to say the least.

She can't do what she likes as the decision would be made by the husband.

Oh this is interesting. I have been thinking what I would want as I am a single parent and don’t have a lot of family and would hate any fuss and also worry about the cost for DC and how that would be paid. I was wondering what was the minimum you could get away with!

I have conducted many Church of England funerals. In my experience tears are very common, grief stricken sobbing, even amongst close family is very rare. Most people seem to cope. I think a funeral service, secular or religious, helps people to manage and cope with their grief.

I would come back to her with a discussion about how even something as simple as having a lunch where close family members can gather, catch up in general, and share happy memories of her will help you focus your grieving.

When the time came, my own mother had asked that we keep her memorial so casual, that it was placing a hosting burden on my sister that she just wasn’t prepared to meet while grieving. We decided to honor the spirit of her request, just not the exact details. We knew what she wanted was something low stress so we adjusted her plan to make sure it remained low stress.

so when the time comes, you can also just do what you need to do in terms of honoring her memory while also respecting the living.

Do you think it's Covid that started this trend, with "only 10 people allowed at the funeral"?
For people with faith, I would prefer to have a service which acknowledges their faith, as I've been to humanist funerals which were flat and dismal, but I suppose the person's wishes must be respected.

Even atheists, right?

Yuk.

Neither DH nor I want a funeral, nor does my DBro. We're all in our 60s so there's a lot more road in our rear view mirrors than there is road ahead. It makes you really start thinking about 'when'.

I think you should respect your mother's wishes. But not having a funeral doesn't mean you can't celebrate your mum. We've set some money aside and told our boys to buy some good food, good booze, and share an evening of memories. We've told them it's up to them about scattering ashes and have given them fairly local areas that are special to us if they choose to do so.

I think it's pretty shitty not too respect her wishes

Arranging a funeral can be stressful but can also be something to focus on in the immediate aftermath of someone's death. It also brings people/family together at the same time

Personally I think it's a great idea. From a selfish point of view, I absolutely hate the idea of grieving in front of others especially distant family members and people I don't know (parents friends) so the idea of no funeral really appeals to me. Just the thought of having to get through a 'public ' funeral is enough to make me anxious. I'm very fortunate in that I still have both of my parents but it's highly likely that I'll choose this route when the time comes (assuming they go before me!). My mum's only request is her immediate family are there, my dad really isn't fussed - as long as it doesn't cost much, he'll be happy with whatever I choose!!

If she specifies no funeral in her will, I don't think the family can go against that.

@Patineur of course they can!