To still be furious with DH for going to lapdancing club 7 weeks after our DD was born?

[Haircut100YearsAgo]

This is my first post on here, so please be kind to me!

My DH travels all over the world for work. Don't have a problem with this at all, but just 8 weeks after I had given birth to our DD I caught him out at a lapdancing club in Moscow. The silly sod had accidently pressed redial on his 'Crackberry' whilst he was in said club and I innocently answered the phone thinking he had called to say goodnight. First of all the only thing I could hear was heavy Eurotrash music, and I thought -- the bastard, he goes on about how knackered he is and he's out at a nightclub whilst I am up for most of the night with our DD! Then it became apparent where he was. Some of his Russian colleagues had obviously got themselves hooked up with women and my DH and a fellow Brit were left talking.

I could hear my DH desperately trying to get money changed so that he could get a private one-on-one. As I am typing this, it is bringing it all back & I am still soooo bloody mad at him. He eventually cut me off, but I am pretty sure nothing else happened. Part of me thinks, well that's the Russian way of doing things. Pretty disrepectful of my DH to me, etc., but no real harm done. The other part of me thinks I really can't trust him (one thing I have always done until now is to trust him implicitly). This happened about 3 months ago.

Interesting dittany. As I mentioned, DW really has no problem with me going provided that there are no private dances and it is in context (basically on a stag weekend). Clearly, if I was going by myself, regularly or had private dances she would kill me. I don't think she has any sexual interests on the side but I'll check when I get home.

Also interestingly, it seems that the majority of guys' partners I know generally have little or no issue about their guys going, within pretty much the same parameters. Not to say it's right or wrong, just to give an alternative point of reference.

Very sad to see the way this thread has gone.

We've had many lap-dancing club arguments debates on here before. I thought this thread was more about the OP's predicatment in which she now finds herself, regardless of other people's views on stripping.

Maybe it would have done better posted in 'relationships'. People tend to be a lot more sypathetic and helpful on there. AIBU threads seem to be a lot more argumentative.

Well said JackanoryGirl.

(Have been sucked into the entire lap-dancing debate again... )

dittany, he is!
Although I don't think being slim and handsome is a pre requiste to finding other people fat and ugly!
Most of them haven't been hit with the pretty stick

meant requisite!

I think, to be fair, that AIBU threads have a built-in kick-off function.

I agree that the OP's RL predicament has been hopelessly lost amid the argy-bargy though - very sorry, Haircut.

In answer to your question, no, you're not being unreasonable, and I'm realistically the only way to deal with it is to be as bravely, calmly honest about how you feel, and why, and see how he responds. You should make sure, though, that he agrees to hear you out before responding, I think, as it's very easy to get tearful, distracted, and end up debating each point otherwise.

Whatever you do, though, don't be a moaning drudge. Heaven forbid!

delete 'I'm' before 'realistically'.

Oooh, I wanna hear Cestlavie's answer to Dittany...

I've been on hen nights where we went to lapdancing clubs and oggled the men and were a hell of a lot ruder than the men were being to the women downstairs (it was a unisex club, upstairs was men, downstairs were women so we had to walk through the other bar).

I agree with c'estlavie's 'contexts' in this case.

Don't know if anyone saw Eastenders the other week when Jane's brother got her a stripper? Well I asked DP how he would feel if he had caught me in that situation, his reply 'Depends, if it was a hen night or a party or something, then it's fine, depends on the situation really'.

And for the millionth time on one of these threads, I have friends that are lapdancers, some love it, I mean really love it, they lve the exhibitionism of it, others kind of fell into it and wish they'd never done it but are now used to the money.

Not all women in lapdancing are exploited per se, for some it is an easy job, doing something they get off on and pays good money.

I think, VS, for a whole variety of reasons to do with the history of the power relations between men and women, that there is a very great difference between men watching women strip, and women watching men strip. (and strip is a rather disingenous way of describing what goes on in a private dance, in any case)

and the point about exploitation that I tried to make earlier is that it's very hard to tell which girl is exploited and which is not.

My DH gets home from his latest trip tonight. I will wait until tomorrow before I broach the subject with him. I don't think he will be terribly surpised to hear I am still feeling this way about it as he knows he totally crossed the line on that trip to Moscow. It is in fact not to do with how Russian strippers look, or indeed how I felt about my physical appearance a few short weeks after giving birth to our beautiful DD, it is rather about regaining trust & respect...something I fear is going to take a long time to do.

I would be fine on my own if I had to be, I don't think it's going to come to that though. However, I do feel so sad for us as a couple when 'for the sake of our daughter' has popped into my mind when I think about staying together.

Dittany, I too will be interested in seeing C'est la vie's response...I asked my husband the very same thing when he got back from Moscow. He couldn't/wouldn't answer me.

haircut - this would be worth reposting in 'Relationships' so you can chat about your situation without all the er, debate.

I agree obm, it is hard to see which girls are being exploited and which arent, totally.

To the OP, FWIW, I too would be extremely pissed off, IMO, the 'private dance' is when it oversteps the line.

Dittany: I'll try to avoid rising to your comments but rather give you the answer I think you and Haircut were looking for.

Having only been on stag-weekends, this is what typically happens. At some point over the two nights, a vocal portion of the group will want to go to a strip club once the pubs and bars have closed. In the absence of there being anywhere else to carry on drinking (e.g. a proper club which will let everyone else in, and which, incidentally would be absolutely my preference) the group will end up there.

You pay a large amount of money to get into what is largely a loud, expensive bar with crappy Euro-house music. If you're lucky they might have TVs on showing football or something. There'll be a stage in the middle and every now and then (say half hour) a girl will come on, dance, take her all or most her clothes off then disappear again. If you're very fussed about that sort of thing, you sit next to the stage. If you're not, you sit somewhere else with your mates and drink an overpriced beer. Every now and then a girl will wander over to you and your mates and start chatting about whatever, culminating invariably in asking whether you want a private dance. You say no, she wanders on, joins her mates back at the bar. You order another beer, chat to your mates some more, get more drunk. A girl wanders over... Repeat as necessary until you leave.

The atmosphere inside is neither erotic nor particularly sexual (well for me at least). If you can imagine being in a fairly shit half empty club playing crap music you're most of the way there. The girls look bored, the bar staff look bored, hell, most of the customers look pretty bloody bored. Oh, and for those who think there is a licence to touch the girls (in the UK at least) the bouncers are invariably psychotic bastards who would rip your arms off if you even thought about it - last time I went to one I tried to phone DW (um, was a little pissed) and one told me if I didn't turn it off he'd smash it for me - I assume he was concerned about be taking photos or something but I didn't want to debate it with him.

Anyway, to return to the original post, it sounds to me as if you are still angry. Still angry and still hurt. I think whether other people think your anger is reasonable is irrelevant. You've got to deal with it and I wish you the very best of luck. It's clear from what you say that he has damaged your relationship. Only you and he and time will tell whether it can be repaired.

cestlavie

ever heard that saying ' a fool and his money are soon parted' if it's so bloody awful in these clubs why go in and part with your (and your dw's) hard earned?

to say its just somewhere to carry on drinking sounds like bollocks to me, whats wrong with going back to your hotel/mates place etc

I would be most pissed off about the waste of our (joint) funds

To the OP I am not saying lying is ok but your dh did only lie to protect your feelings and to prevent exactly what has happened - ie you getting very upset. He obviously did not want to upset you from which you can reasonably deduce he cares about you a lot.

In a very real sense him going to a strip club is not about you.

I hope you are feeling better and can work through this

Incidentally, in case Haircut missed it earlier, she absolutely has my sympathies. What her DH did in terms of lying and looking for a private dance, I think, was clearly unacceptable.

As a rule, I'm very much in favour of couples being open, honest and very laid back around what the other partner does, but in this case it sounds like setting strict guidelines for him would be more appropriate (e.g. phone at certain times maybe). To be honest, I'd expect him to think about volunteering some of these himself Clearly rebuilding the trust and respect will take some time, however...

Sorry dittany, I missed that. No, I've never had an erection in one of those places. I thought my comment that those places are "neither erotic nor particularly sexual" may have been a clue to that, but I'm happy to clarify it for you.

Too much information surely.
I guess some men get erections, some don't. That's not really the point is it?
The point is that, for some women, there is something distasteful and unpleasant about men in sex clubs and knowing that your husband was one of them makes you think less of him.

Dittany, please, as several people have requested, let's not make this a discussion about the morality etc. of lap dance clubs as (I don't think) it's what the OP was wanting. If you wish to continue the discussion, I'm more than happy to, but why not set up a separate thread?