To still be furious with DH for going to lapdancing club 7 weeks after our DD was born?

[Haircut100YearsAgo]

This is my first post on here, so please be kind to me!

My DH travels all over the world for work. Don't have a problem with this at all, but just 8 weeks after I had given birth to our DD I caught him out at a lapdancing club in Moscow. The silly sod had accidently pressed redial on his 'Crackberry' whilst he was in said club and I innocently answered the phone thinking he had called to say goodnight. First of all the only thing I could hear was heavy Eurotrash music, and I thought -- the bastard, he goes on about how knackered he is and he's out at a nightclub whilst I am up for most of the night with our DD! Then it became apparent where he was. Some of his Russian colleagues had obviously got themselves hooked up with women and my DH and a fellow Brit were left talking.

I could hear my DH desperately trying to get money changed so that he could get a private one-on-one. As I am typing this, it is bringing it all back & I am still soooo bloody mad at him. He eventually cut me off, but I am pretty sure nothing else happened. Part of me thinks, well that's the Russian way of doing things. Pretty disrepectful of my DH to me, etc., but no real harm done. The other part of me thinks I really can't trust him (one thing I have always done until now is to trust him implicitly). This happened about 3 months ago.

dittany - reminds me of film critics whenever they review an 'erotic' film; 'interesting enough film, but goodness me I got bored when the lead actress's clothes fell off'.

It's like Clinton - they didn't inhale.

Actually, I do believe that not all men think that strip clubs are fun places. But I also can't help notice that none of them wanted to go when they're explaining the night out to their wives.

I don't know, I'm going to defend cestlavie here (not that he seems to need it or anything)

but it seems to me that what he's describing is just another side of what we were talking about earlier where something seedy has become so normalised and the arguments for it have become so accepted that it's really hard to come out against them.

Here we have a man who is not interested in lap dancing bars (I believe him, I have no difficulty believing that he finds them boring and unerotic) put in a particular social situation where it is now EXPECTED that this is how the night will end.

We see on here all the time how many women have been convinced that any reaction other than "it's all great and harmless fun and I'm totally cool with it" is not OK. If anything it's easier to convince men of this, even if they aren't into it themselves. The reactions to any kind of resistance to this kind of payment for sex are quite extreme. I can quite see how one might just go along with it for an easy life.

At someone else's stag night you could well find yourself in a situation where either you leave early (my preference) or you stay out for the company and avoid as much as possible the seedy nastiness of your situation. If your wife is OK with option 2 then I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to just go along.

At some point I would start to wonder about the calibre of friend I had if it was coming up that frequently though...

I kind of see what you mean skidoodle. However, I do know that when a male friend of mine had a stag do recently that involved a lap-dancing club, at least two of his stags simply said that they did not want to go, and met up with the party later on at an ordinary bar.

If anything, the two men who said they didn't want to go went up in everyone else's estimation. Don't we all secretly admire the person who sticks to their principles, even if it's inconvenient?

It's a very strange industry. All those women taking off their clothes in front of men who don't want to see women taking off their clothes. And the men who don't want to see the naked dancing women are giving money to them. Very very strange business indeed.

Ah well, since the discussion seems to be continuing regardless...

skidoodle: that's rather well put. Maybe it has become so normalised that it is just generally accepted. From my perspetive, on the other hand I have no moral objection to strip clubs, I'm just not particularly interested in them. Going to one doesn't mean giving up my principles it just means doing something that I'm not very bothered about which, in the context of a stag weekend, I don't mind doing. The same way that if the group was going to RnB club or something I'd go along even if hated RnB (which I do!).

cestlavie, I don't think you are going to win this one. (I get what you are saying and agree with a lot of it)

It would seem (if i am reading this right) that the people who don't mind their DH/DP going to a lap dancing club are either in some sort of denial, or so scared of losing their partner they put up with anything.
Or they do not hold a high enough opinion or them self, their partner, their marriage,

I love my partner, I am very secure in who I am, I could cope alone if I wanted to or had to, but I do not mind DH going out with his mates and going to a lap dancing club.

I gave it a lot of thought today and I have decided I would not have liked it when I was younger, but as I have grown and become more sure of who I am and what my life is about I found I did not mind the time he went.

Also it does not make a man a sex mad pervert or a fool, I do agree as someone said a grown man can make up his own mind.

I can see why the OP was hurt by her husbands actions as he seemed to know it was not something she would have liked him to do, However I think some people view things in one way and some in another, and I did not mind it, that does not make me a weak person or DH a bad person.

This thread was not really about the rights and wrongs of lap dancing but how should the OP deal with how she feels about her husband going to a lap dancing club, and if it is still an issue and painful 3 month on then she is obviously very upset by his doing so and needs to tell him so.

It doesn't make you a strong person or your DH a good one either. It's just he likes lapdancing clubs and you don't mind that he does.

For what it's worth, I don't think it's about security or self esteem. I think it's about some women not liking the thought of being married to men who go to lapdance clubs. And when it turns out that their husbands have been to one, their thoughts turn to divorce.

It doesn't make you a strong person or your DH a good one either. It's just he likes lapdancing clubs and you don't mind that he does.

How bloody dear you, he went once not like he is some bloke in a dirty mac sitting there all day every day, that is when it should be a problem worth tearing your life apart over, not a night out once with some mates.

I never said it mad me a strong woman or him a good man, I said it did not make me a weak woman or him a bad man because he went to one and I did not mind.

I bet far more people here have had partners go to these places and not know about it then you would think.

Dare even

This thread kind of is about the rights and wrongs of lap-dancing, isn't it? I mean, if the OP had posted 'I'm seven weeks post-partum and I found out that my DH went to the CINEMA' it wouldn't have aroused particularly strong emotions in anyone, and people would have told her to chill out.

Whether you agree with them or not, lap-dancing clubs are not like other forms of entertainment. It's not possible to discuss a situation like the OP's without making any reference to the nature of the club that her DH was in.

Sorry. It sounded as if he went regularly with his mates. All I meant to say is that you can't deduce strength or weakness from this. Or self esteem or lack of it.

It didn't begin about the rights and wrongs of lapdancing though. It began with the OP wondering how to deal with the fact she still felt angry. It's wandered as MN threads often do.

To be fair kimi, your post did sound as though it was something he did fairly regularly.

I was pointing out that somewhere along this thread someone said something along the lines of "women who say they don't mind DH/DP going are the ones who put up with anything" I do not put up with anything just to be with someone, but I do not mind that on a night out DH went to a lap dancing club, so not every woman says its ok just to not be alone,

I found I did not mind the time he went.

THE TIME SINGULAR NOT PLURAL

Yes but you also wrote "I do not mind DH going out with his mates etc...." and that particular grammatical structure makes it sound like a regular thing i.e something he does. Anyway, I said sorry and I am.

I am sorry if I made it sound as if he went a lot, He goes out with his mates from football at Christmas and every year they do something different one year they went to a lap dancing club, I knew it was what had been arranged I did not have a problem with it.

If he was going every week, every other day on his own or what ever then it would have been a problem, but a one off night out is not the end of the world.

sorry im im being totally dumb here but what actually goes on in these places ? what is frottering?

frotting is short for frottage beachlover, it means rubbing oneself on another for sexual kicks.

In this case it refers to the women's rubbing their vulvas on the genital area of the men who have paid extra for a 'private' dance - the sexual kicks are feigned.

The man will still be fully clothed, the women may or may not be wearing knickers. The man may or may not be allowed to take his penis out and masturbate, to orgasm or not, while the girl is either 'on' him or at a further distance, 'dancing'.

Dancing can mean dancing, or bending over to self-penetrate anally or vaginally with an object, dildo, or her fingers/hand.

really, the only response to that is 'gosh', isn't it?