To still be furious with DH for going to lapdancing club 7 weeks after our DD was born?

[Haircut100YearsAgo]

This is my first post on here, so please be kind to me!

My DH travels all over the world for work. Don't have a problem with this at all, but just 8 weeks after I had given birth to our DD I caught him out at a lapdancing club in Moscow. The silly sod had accidently pressed redial on his 'Crackberry' whilst he was in said club and I innocently answered the phone thinking he had called to say goodnight. First of all the only thing I could hear was heavy Eurotrash music, and I thought -- the bastard, he goes on about how knackered he is and he's out at a nightclub whilst I am up for most of the night with our DD! Then it became apparent where he was. Some of his Russian colleagues had obviously got themselves hooked up with women and my DH and a fellow Brit were left talking.

I could hear my DH desperately trying to get money changed so that he could get a private one-on-one. As I am typing this, it is bringing it all back & I am still soooo bloody mad at him. He eventually cut me off, but I am pretty sure nothing else happened. Part of me thinks, well that's the Russian way of doing things. Pretty disrepectful of my DH to me, etc., but no real harm done. The other part of me thinks I really can't trust him (one thing I have always done until now is to trust him implicitly). This happened about 3 months ago.

As I said everybody has their own feelings about this. The op was upset by it and I think from her husbands reaction to her feelings he knew he had done something she was upset by, however another woman may not have been upset by it. oh and as far as I know MY other half has never been to a strip club, but I would not mind if he did.

fussaboutnothing - is this debate making you feel anxious and insecure? Your insult would suggest so.

skidoodle, High-five, low-five, middling-level-five.

and not freaking creatures! People! With brains, choices, capacity for empathy!

here here skidoodle!

No I am not in the least anxious and insecure.
I was adding my point of view, but as I have not said there there, he's a pervert, degrading every woman on the planet I am being subjected to childish high 5s and name calling.

Fact: my DP has not been to strip clubs

Fact: I would not be upset if he did

Fact: my job is to tell my children what they should or should not do, grown man can think for himself

Fact: I think I posted a grown up point of view but I forgot this is mumsnet so I should have expected the stupidness when people did not like MY (yes my not anybody else's not trying to tell people what to think) point of view

So you all just go to one end of the playground and check my spelling and high 5 your little self's all you like.

fussabout - the hi-fives were not aimed at you, certainly not - they show solidarity and a bit of awe, and you provoke neither in me.

They aren't childish, particularly, just silly and fun.

And it was you, as you are well aware, who started the name-calling. Perhaps things might have gone differently had you not.

In general I think your points have been debated with care and courtesy. Nevertheless, most people disagree with you. And I notice you haven't engaged with any of skidoodle's very well-argued responses.

As I said before lots of posts back.... DH went to a lap dancing club and it did not bother me.
I have gone from a size 10 to a 16 since we got married, I have stretch marks and "laughter lines" (although god knows what was that funny), I have days where I know I am still sexy and days when I feel like shit but I don't find it insulting to me if DH wanted to go with his mates to a strip club for the Christmas night out.

I see the OP was very hurt by it and that is her personal right but is is also the right of other posters to give their personal point of view without being attacked for it.

And yes right or wrong men DO see it in a different was, how many top shelf magazines do you see aimed at women?

And be honest sex sells everything from cars to chocolate (again not saying this is right or wrong).
Lastly how many here have seen the areo add and thought the bloke in that was nice to look at, did not mean anyone was going to jump him but he is very sexy, that is why he is in the add.

Off to house keeping now to ask about mice....

And just who was I calling names?

I posted my point of view, I was not getting at anyway nor being rude, I was merely saying what I thought as many others had done, I believe my spelling was picked on after I was told I was talking bollocks, and then told I had a problem and I was insecure.

As I see it is a case of go with what is popular, I shan't bother to add a point of view as unless it is the one everybody wants to hear it is worthless on here.

The rights and wrongs of the sex business is a complex one, but it is a business that is as old as time and not one that will end any time soon, people and how they feel about it are all different, I do not mind if my other half wanted to go to a strip club, I would not want my daughter to work in one, However if she wanted to or did that is up to her.

I do not have the right to tell others how to live their lives, I can offer only my point of view.

Yes some people work this way by choice (and some do not,) just as right or wrong some people chose to beat their children, drink, smoke, whatever. It is an individuals right to choose that is why we are not all nazis, we have the right to choose, and if a grow man chooses to go to a strip club then there is little you can do about it, just because you are in a relationship with someone does not mean you own them.
They can choose to hurt your feeling or not.

fuss, don't worry, it gets like that here, sad, but true.

I wouldn't mind if dh went to a lap dancing club, not sure about a private dance. Anyway from what he's seen of these dancers on the tv he thinks they are all fat and ugly anyway

policywank please forgive my spelling of 'feign' it was more of a typo really.

Was that not name-calling?

fuss,

you're quite right. If a grown man decides to go to a strip club, or to sleep with his secretary, or to steal from his employer, to to start smoking crack there's nothing you can do to stop him.

I don't think that means that if you are his wife you don't get to have a say in these things if they bother bother you. Some people are fine with recreational drugs, others think stealing from a company is a victimless crime, some people have open marriages, others think strip clubs are just a bit of fun. But any of these choices has an impact on your partner for different reasons and to make such a choice without considering its impact on them is not an honourable or decent way to behave.

I would never expect to be in the position of telling a grown man I was unhappy with him getting a private dance. I would not have chosen to marry or have children with a man who was into those things. But if, right after I had had a child, I were to discover that my husband was in fact doing such things I would feel totally at sea - like he'd tricked me by pretending to be someone he wasn't and now that we had a child together it was too late for me to get out of it without making a huge mess. I would be furious and betrayed and disgusted by him.

I don't think that reaction (which seems quite like the OPs reaction) warrants telling her that the only problem that exists is in her head because she is insecure. You seem quite put out at what you perceive to be my saying you were insecure and yet that was your initial offering to this thread.

"Yes some people work this way by choice (and some do not"

I'm wondering how one can be absolutely certain that the woman shoving a dildo up her arse for your dp is one of the former.

I'm absolutely certain that one cannot be certain. Which would logically mean that a man who goes to a lapdance club neither knows, nor cares. Which would logically mean that they have rather unpleasant attitudes to women.
No, not to women, to people.

fuss, you said 'it says more about the women and their self worth as to how they feel about their men folk looking at women'

you said 'the fact it is seen that way by you is that you don't feel good about yourself'

you said 'a lot of women feel threatened by their other half looking at a woman who may be younger, slimmer, better looking'

you said that women who object to lap-dancing were 'feigning sisterly solidarity' (well, actually you said we were faining...)

Basically, you were making the argument that women who object are 'moaning drudges', unattractive and lacking in self-esteem, and dishonest about their motives. If you don't think that these things are insulting then maybe you should check your dictionary for the defintion of 'insult'.

Adding 'I think' before an insult doesn't make it less insulting.

exactly - fuss your argument was implicitly insulting and that is why you recieved the responses you did. sorry but you worded things in a way that indicated you were making huge assumptions about people who object to their husbands behaving like this, and not very flattering assumptions at that

I was expressing a point of view, not making any comment about the OP and was using the word you as a generalization.

I was expressing MY point of view as was everyone else.

As you seem to want to have a argument over this I will leave the thread.

But while you look in your dictionary and correct everyones spelling I bet your husband is having a lovely time at the lap dancing club

ho ho ho.

And yours is wondering how much longer he's got before you can no longer compete with that Russian stripper, possibly.

i'm reading this thread and sympathising iwth the op and trying to get straight in my head what i dislike about lapdancing clubs. I think it's something to do with the way that men are given the impression through these places that any woman, however beautiful or perfect she may appear, is available for a price. Then there's the issue of physical attractiveness and sex being held as the highest traits a woman can have. then there's the fact that so many men that go to these places have wives and girlfriends at home that they are mentally or otherwise cheating on, most of whom know nothign of what these guys get up to. So it's like 'come to out glitzy trashy club, forget the real, emotional, human-looking woman at home, and anyway she'll never know, and it's YOUR money after all'

And it all comes back again to this hyper-commercial, disposable society we live in. Old wife wearing sweat-pants and nagging in the evenings? then get yourself a bright, sparkling fantasy girl! for 5 minutes at only £500! bargain.

btw i have no idea how much these things really cost but you get the idea...

hell yes we can argue that, dittany.

OP - I would be equally upset. Do you think you can forgive and move on? I'm not sure how I would react, but given that trust means an awful lot to me and that I am independent enough to not fear being single, even with all the DCs to manage, I have a feeling that I'd probably walk out.

Private dances from naked women are not part of our marriage contract. And I know that DH would be similarly choked if I was to perform one for a strange man for a fistful of cash.

I hope you're feeling OK, it can't help matters that you are still hormonal and tired from the birth. Take care.