To still be furious with DH for going to lapdancing club 7 weeks after our DD was born?

[Haircut100YearsAgo]

This is my first post on here, so please be kind to me!

My DH travels all over the world for work. Don't have a problem with this at all, but just 8 weeks after I had given birth to our DD I caught him out at a lapdancing club in Moscow. The silly sod had accidently pressed redial on his 'Crackberry' whilst he was in said club and I innocently answered the phone thinking he had called to say goodnight. First of all the only thing I could hear was heavy Eurotrash music, and I thought -- the bastard, he goes on about how knackered he is and he's out at a nightclub whilst I am up for most of the night with our DD! Then it became apparent where he was. Some of his Russian colleagues had obviously got themselves hooked up with women and my DH and a fellow Brit were left talking.

I could hear my DH desperately trying to get money changed so that he could get a private one-on-one. As I am typing this, it is bringing it all back & I am still soooo bloody mad at him. He eventually cut me off, but I am pretty sure nothing else happened. Part of me thinks, well that's the Russian way of doing things. Pretty disrepectful of my DH to me, etc., but no real harm done. The other part of me thinks I really can't trust him (one thing I have always done until now is to trust him implicitly). This happened about 3 months ago.

dittany. sorry

I like dittant. Sounds frenchified.

onebat, you're brilliant too -- but I did just have the urge to type wombat instead! Sorry!

wombat, onebat, it's all good.

skidoodle-well,no,i dont know many women who would go to such clubs should they exist,i just wonder how these men would feel if the situation were reversed

haircut100yearsago-(great name btw)i personally dont think there is a difference between having a lapdance and going to a prostitute.i havent read every single reply to your op as i have seen so many threads like this on here and the same old lines about low self-esteem etc are trotted out by the same brainwashed women,so i imagined this would just be the same.

you have every right to be very angry,and i hope you can get through this and that your dh learns to respect you more.

goodluck hc thinking of you

sorry if i ask for tmi but do the men come in there pants or something ?

hmm, not sure they do come if not allowed to wank?

I need either bed or glasses - I read this as landscaping club!

my dh went to prague for his stag do
now im really worried, he reckons he didnt have a private dance

No one knows what happened in the club haircut's oh went to. Some are worse than others, most are just jugs and gyrating

I think it is really unfair to make her believe that her oh participated in some of these descriptions. How is that helping her?? All it is doing is making her rake over it even more, with more worries. Just because some of you hate the idea, it isnt ok to make this woman hate her oh even more than she did in the beginning. For all anyone knows he didn't get the private dance and WAS there as others were. Do you want this partnership to end? Cos it sounds like you all do and I think it is discusting

I personally wouldn't have a problem with the worst that has been described here, the only rule I'd have is no touching, look all you like, get an erection if you like but don't touch

Simple Haircut. No. You are not being unreasonable.

minorityrules, Haircut has been back on this thread and thanked the people you are criticising for their input. Seems odd you think you know better than she does what kind of support she should get.

I find the "no touching" rule really odd.

Sure honey, go out, buy other women, I don't mind as long as you don't physically touch them.

If my DH were to cheat on me I'd rather it was with a woman he actually liked and respected than one he paid. I'd prefer he touched a woman he had feelings for than he used a woman he bought.

Blimey, this one has run and run since yesterday. Thought I'd just pop back to add another point that occurred to me (I've been thinking about this, and you, Haircut, a lot). One of the reasons I'd be so upset is that I know that if I were to do something equivalent (go to a strip club etc), I'd know it meant that I had lost my respect for DH. I'm ashamed to admit that I've cheated on quite a lot of boyfriends in the past (never on DH, I hasten to add, nor would I), and whenever it's happened I've always ended the relationship straight away. Not because the bloke wouldn't take me back, but because I knew that if I'd cheated, my feelings for the boyfriend couldn't have been all that strong, and it was an indication that I didn't really want to be in the relationship any more. I don't know if this would be the same for a guy going to a lapdancing club, though - or do they just distance themselves? Are they thinking of their wives at the time, or do they somehow block it out? Maybe one of the guys on here can enlighten us?

Can I just say (been watching this) that the issue here that stands out is TRUST, OP trusted her DH not to go to one of these places he broke that trust by going.

BUT.... A lot of people here seem to be saying that if your DH or DP went to one of these clubs you would not trust him not to cheat on you whale he was there!

And now people are saying oh but DH /DP went to one of these clubs I wonder how far it went.

I agree with Minority,

My DH haS been to a few lapdancing clubs (which I didnt like) but when i found out he said i could ask as many questions as I liked (which I did). His description made me think oh is that all!!! I have been to 3 different lapdancing clubs and they are only knockers and primark . I,m NOT saying that they are all like that.

What I mean is, talk to your DH, sweetheart and maybe ask him not all these women who are terrifing me never mind you.

meant knockers and primark knickers (dont all shout at me because i left a word out!!!)

Twigy, I don't see why it being 'just' a knockers place makes it ok - after all, we're still basically talking about this guy looking for a sexual thrill from someone other than his wife.

Leaving that aside, however, OP says that she heard DH 'desperately' trying to arrange a 'one-on-one'. Sounds like a bit more than a few guys 'just' ogling women with their knockers out, doesn't it??

Didnt say it was 'ok' mrsbumblebee. And I'm given MY OPINION.

Didnt actually read the bit where he was trying to arrange a one-on-one! (sorry). But was this actually for him?

Sorry Twigy, didn't mean to sound shouty. And yes, it does sound like the private dance was for him .

Its ok. Think this subject has hit a raw nerve with alot of women.

I'm just trying to be ojective and trying to see if there is more innocent explaination (if there is one). (Could have been the classic, 'my mate put the condon in my pocket for a laugh'.

Which this clearly isnt.

But again what exactly happened on the one on one. Please dont listen to all the girls, these things dont happen in every lapdancing club. My point although not very clearly stated. is that there are clearly different levels to this lapdancing situation.

Your not going to know what happened until DH tells you.EVERYTHING. Then you need to decide weither to believe him and try to move on. Dont let it fester though. Just seen a friend split from her DH over a similar sit that happened 4yr ago!!!

mrsBumblebee-your post of 9.42am sums it up exactly for me,i would feel exactly the same way,and i have done the same in the past(ie cheat and then immediatley end the relationship).

minority-if you feel that way about lapdancing clubs,then i imagine you wouldnt be particularly bothered about your oh cheating on you with any woman.however,alot of women find it unacceptable,and i know i for one think that any woman is better off on her own than with a man who has no respect for her and treats her like shit.

Haircut, thanks for your best wishes and compliments on my name ! I am thinking about you today wondering how things are going since your dh got back. I hope you know you can post on here and get support if you need it.

You mentioned the word 'cheating' in your post to me and I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't think (some) men see visiting these kinds of places as cheating at all - so the fact that your post has had so many responses (mostly women supporting you) just shows the difference between the way a lot of men and women think (note - I didn't say all !)

I may have missed this on one of the pages I haven't read, but do you guys see watching a sex show in somewhere like Amsterdam the same as going to a lap dancing club ? For some reason I don't ??!! Guess it is because the men (and women) just blend in together watching the show whereas a lap dance has more of an individual element to it - if as my dh has, the men have paid for the one to one 'attention'.

I have a friend who's fiance took bites of a banana out of the 'performers' fanjo on his stag do - and she doesn't mind !!!!! (Fanjo is a fab word I have picked up on MN !! Better than any other word I have come across) .