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Original poster

To still be furious with DH for going to lapdancing club 7 weeks after our DD was born?

275 replies

Haircut100YearsAgo · 04/02/2008 23:29

This is my first post on here, so please be kind to me!

My DH travels all over the world for work. Don't have a problem with this at all, but just 8 weeks after I had given birth to our DD I caught him out at a lapdancing club in Moscow. The silly sod had accidently pressed redial on his 'Crackberry' whilst he was in said club and I innocently answered the phone thinking he had called to say goodnight. First of all the only thing I could hear was heavy Eurotrash music, and I thought -- the bastard, he goes on about how knackered he is and he's out at a nightclub whilst I am up for most of the night with our DD! Then it became apparent where he was. Some of his Russian colleagues had obviously got themselves hooked up with women and my DH and a fellow Brit were left talking.

I could hear my DH desperately trying to get money changed so that he could get a private one-on-one. As I am typing this, it is bringing it all back & I am still soooo bloody mad at him. He eventually cut me off, but I am pretty sure nothing else happened. Part of me thinks, well that's the Russian way of doing things. Pretty disrepectful of my DH to me, etc., but no real harm done. The other part of me thinks I really can't trust him (one thing I have always done until now is to trust him implicitly). This happened about 3 months ago.

OP posts:
Twigy · 05/02/2008 21:31

Very efficient of you dittany

Cazwa · 05/02/2008 21:37

My husband manages a lapdancing club. Funnily enough he knows that getting a one-on-one dance is completely out of order - not that he gets them at work Id hasten to add, if he goes on stag dos. He had one once and I bllcked him for it, I also think it is being semi-unfaithful. I know this must seem strange considering what he does for a living. However having been in myself, know his staff and boss, it really is just flesh after a while. His senior bosses like the fact he is a family man, they deliberately dont employ men who would get distracted by the girls.

I know some of the girls who work there, and yes, some are messed up and addicted to drugs. Some are very normal and are doing it purely for the money whilst they go through university or have young families and want to make a ridiculous amount of cash quickly. There are strict rules about nudity in his clubs, knickers must stay on and no touching otherwise the punters get kicked out.

I was quite suprised when I first visited at how much power the women seem to have, the men look quite pathetic sitting there ogling them whilst the women strut round calling the shots. Or at least thats how it appears to me.

Im sitting here having had 2 babies in less than 2 years with a blobby belly looking knackered, mainly in jogging bottoms most days. I have to trust DH when he goes to work, its the crutch of our relationship and he knows it. I fully understand OPs point about trust being the issue, being lied to is completely out of order. Just giving the inside view of lapdancing clubs.

NKF · 05/02/2008 21:39

Well, that's part of the problem isn't it? One of those "pathetic" men is the OP's husband. Not a nice image.

dittany · 05/02/2008 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twigy · 05/02/2008 21:46

I think your getting yourself a bit excited here dittany.

I was only wanting to state MY point, that lapdancing clubs are not as shady as they seem. Its my opinion.

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 22:09

"I was quite suprised when I first visited at how much power the women seem to have, the men look quite pathetic sitting there ogling them whilst the women strut round calling the shots. Or at least thats how it appears to me."

Cazwa, I'm afraid you are falling for the con.

twelveyeargap · 05/02/2008 22:16

I've seen my boss give a £1000 cash tip to a lap dancer. I think that might take the edge off being part of an elaborate misogynistic con.

twelveyeargap · 05/02/2008 22:16

I've seen my boss give a £1000 cash tip to a lap dancer. I think that might take the edge off being part of an elaborate misogynistic con.

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 22:17

yes, for as long as the £1000 lasts. About a month, probably, at best, don't you think?

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 22:20

and it's not elaborate at all. or, particularly, a con. It's just shit.

extremelycloseknit · 05/02/2008 22:21

I think it's more the fact that he didn't tell you he was going. My DP has been lapdancing with his mates on a stag do, but was quite up front with me about it, it wasn't his decision, but he'll go anywhere with a bar. He sat drinking with a couple of the others while a few others watched. It's all a bit seedy, but if you trust that they've just been dragged along and don't make a habit of it, it's not the worst thing they can do. I would have another chat and clear it up, but don't let it fester.

dittany · 05/02/2008 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twelveyeargap · 05/02/2008 22:35

About a million quid. He's not a wanker though. Lovely man. Generous to a fault. I have no issue with people earning big bucks, if they're able to. They pay big taxes for the privilege. He worked his way up from the bottom, too. None of your graduate recruitment path for him.

To be frank, when I was a single parent, I'd have been happy to get my boobs out for a grand a night, rather than work a whole month for the same amount. Not much call for a lap dancer with stretch marks though.

Likewise, I can understand why students would rather work topless one night a week, than have £20K debt when they leave uni. If men are willing to pay it, and women are willing to do it, then I don't have a problem with it.

In fact, it could be argued that men are at a disadvantage, because they don't have the opportunity to earn that kind of cash for getting in the buff.

Don't expect anyone else to agree with me though.

dittany · 05/02/2008 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 22:41

"Lovely man. Generous to a fault."

Oh for crying out fucking loud.

So standing his friends a meal/nice present/week at his holiday home is proof that he's not party to a system that harms those less fortunate than him?

(and I don't just mean lapdancing)

You are particularly naive.

Twigy · 05/02/2008 22:49

God i'm loving all this quote business. Dont you girls have anything to say without having to fill it with other peoples quotes.

I'm with you Twelveyeargap

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 22:54

Yes I have something to say.
"Twigy, you are looking at this issue at such an exceptionally superficial level as to mark you out as rather foolish."

Twigy · 05/02/2008 22:55

Why thank you

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 22:56

De rien.

gloriana · 05/02/2008 22:57

Totally agree that OP's husband has got major reparation work to do - that really is shit and also, not calling you afterwards to talk it through with you is really bad. I hope you can let him know how hurt you are without it descending into a complete mess.

Although I tend to agree with everything that has been said on here about lap dancing being exploitative etc, I can't reconcile this with my personal experience where my sister's hen do had 2 male strippers and it was a great laugh and didn't feel like anybody was being exploited. I also used a Butler in the Buff for my best mate's hen do (which I organised) and he was fantastic. Am I just as bad as the guys that go to lap dancing clubs? Any views welcome as my theory doesn't agree with my experience and is making me feel rightly hypocritical ...

skidoodle · 05/02/2008 23:03

onebatmother

clap clap clap

i totally agree with everything you've said in this thread.

Haircut, you seem to have your head well screwed on. I really hope you can sort this out with your DH and get the love and trust back, but obviously he has a bit of work to do first.

Twigy · 05/02/2008 23:06

Oh Gloriana

How dare you enjoy a male strip show. You exploited a poor man. tut tut

extremelycloseknit · 05/02/2008 23:20

No idea, haven't been to a lapdancing club, have been in a bar where a male stripper turned up for someone's birthday though, but I get the impression that women go to have a laugh and it's all a bit more lighthearted, whereas I don't imagine there's many men laughing and pointing in a lapdancing club, it all seems a bit more serious and shady. That doesn't mean to say that the male strippers aren't being exploited though. It can't be too much fun taking your clothes off in front of a load of baying/pissed/screaming women, must be a bit intimidating. Also I think women get away with much more, as in if a man was shouting for the woman stripper to 'get 'em off' or commenting on their bodies they'd be chucked out, but that was happening in the bar.

gloriana · 05/02/2008 23:22

He definitely wasn't looking very exploited ...

I do think that a woman in the same circumstances could be exploitative and also not healthy (mentally) though.

gloriana · 05/02/2008 23:28

ECK - it did cross my mind at the hen do that we had appeared to have turned into some sort of Lord of the Flies style baying pack. I agree that women get away with far more in this area than men - also am sure that DH was not at home worrying about me seeing a naked man.

Don't know what this means except that I probably shouldn't support the sex trade. It was sordid especially when one of the girls found the stripper beforehand 'fluffing' himself -

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