To still be furious with DH for going to lapdancing club 7 weeks after our DD was born?

[Haircut100YearsAgo]

This is my first post on here, so please be kind to me!

My DH travels all over the world for work. Don't have a problem with this at all, but just 8 weeks after I had given birth to our DD I caught him out at a lapdancing club in Moscow. The silly sod had accidently pressed redial on his 'Crackberry' whilst he was in said club and I innocently answered the phone thinking he had called to say goodnight. First of all the only thing I could hear was heavy Eurotrash music, and I thought -- the bastard, he goes on about how knackered he is and he's out at a nightclub whilst I am up for most of the night with our DD! Then it became apparent where he was. Some of his Russian colleagues had obviously got themselves hooked up with women and my DH and a fellow Brit were left talking.

I could hear my DH desperately trying to get money changed so that he could get a private one-on-one. As I am typing this, it is bringing it all back & I am still soooo bloody mad at him. He eventually cut me off, but I am pretty sure nothing else happened. Part of me thinks, well that's the Russian way of doing things. Pretty disrepectful of my DH to me, etc., but no real harm done. The other part of me thinks I really can't trust him (one thing I have always done until now is to trust him implicitly). This happened about 3 months ago.

i fit in cestlavie's (b) camp

don't think he's been to one for years but i know he would from time to time a few years ago

has no doubt visited strip places on stag dos

doesn't upset me tbh

Just a message of support Haircut. I'd rethink our whole relationship if it happened to me so you have my sympathy, as if coping with the headf##k of being a mum wasn't enough. All these women are someone's daughters which is what upsets me, and are probably trafficked etc etc so it's not just harmless fun. I would try very hard to be zen about it and then hate him secretly forever I think! Not very halpful am I? Tbh, I think all men could be complete shits given the opportunity.

dittany: I don't think the "Russian way" was intended to suggest that British guys are any better than Russian guys. It's more a reflection of different ways of doing business in different countries. In the UK, for example, the odds on this sort of thing happening with clients are far far lower because the firms involved would most likely take disciplinary action against the individuals concerned (certainly the two City firms I've worked for have made it clear that going to these sort of places, even at a client's behest will result in disciplinary action). Not, again, because the firms are full of lovely people but because of the reputational risk and risk of legal action.

Hi 100yearhaircut. My DH got up to a similar thing on his stag night. Told me he'd been to a topless bar. 3 months later, I found out that it was a completely naked lapdancing club while he'd felt obliged to have a private dance or two... I was absolutely livid and came very close to leaving him. In the end, we also went to Relate and we agreed to carry on but he has really had to earn my trust again and, although I love him, it is less than it was before he lied to me.

I think I also found it really hard that most of my family and friends thought I was being ridiculous and completely overreacting because that is what happens on stag nights. That really didn't help!

It came be overcome, but you need to really talk to him (perhaps through Relate) if you can get babysitting etc sorted out so that he realises how serious it is. Good luck and sorry for hijack!

so what do you all think of men that go to lapdancing clubs on there stag nights then ?

that they are at best arseholes, at worst misogynist arseholes.

Actually, it's not simple misogyny. It's a deeply depressing, reductive view of human sexuality which makes a pantomime of eroticism, turns the human body into an object which can be bought and sold, refuses to acknowledge the brutal and criminal truths behind much of the sex trade, refuses even to acknowledge that this is a part of the sex trade- and in the end, makes arseholes of us all.

DH and his football team went to a lap dancing club for their Christmas night out, his mates brought him a private dance, its just a bit of fun.

YANBU to feel upset by this at all, Haircut100.

I read your initial post and my heart just lurched, I know exactly how awful I would be feeling too. And when you have just had a baby you feel pretty knackered and shitty...well I did anyhoo.

I do think c'est la vie is making some good points, and it's a good sign that your DH is so apologetic and upset.

And to those who think it's just a bit of fun..well you are entitled to your view, but try to understand that for a lot of people it really ISN'T a bit of fun, it's desperately hurtful.

Men can be real idiots sometimes.

slightly of the point but in relation to what cod said, i once called my parents when me and dh were "at it" my mum knew it was me because of the caller id and she thought someone was trying to kill me. she got hysterical and passed the phone to my dad and brother so that they could try and get my to talk. oohhh the shame mobile phones can be evil.

Err
Can I just say that I went to a lapdancing club with my mates one night, we got in for £1!!!

Have to say we were all very disappointed.

Not much was going on. We all agreeed that we were
a) slimmer
b) had better looking knickers
c) could dance alot better
d) were deffo prettier (we're not great lookers either.

The drinks were really expensive and none of the lads were paying any of the girls any attention.

Good point Twigy I think sometimes your imagination can run away with you...you don't imagine women who work there as looking ordinary (I mean like the rest of us) but I guess they must be.

well said onebat, you just summed up my feelings on this

op - sorry if this isn't helpful, but i'd be completely furious, not sure if i could move on from that tbh

What I've never understood about lapdancing clubs, and boys' trips to Thailand, and all the rest of these scantily-disguised circle-jerking exercises, is how grown men can sit with colleagues, or "clients", or both, with hard-ons, and not feel really silly. Wouldn't it be embarrassing, having a shifty game of pocket billiards while some sleazy tart waved her minge in your face, and all in front of Andy from Accounts?

bs good point

Twigy:
Not much was going on. We all agreeed that we were
a) slimmer
b) had better looking knickers
c) could dance alot better
d) were deffo prettier (we're not great lookers either.

So that makes it better? Kinder? Morally okay?

just had a disscusion with dh about this explaining that alot of these girls are drug addicts been traffic in or have been sexually abused all there life
the thinks thats a load of bulls and wants to know how i can prove it ?

then he is a dickhead.
It is up to him to disprove it.

Have you noticed that there never is a man who wants to go to a lapdance club. It's always client pressue, not wanting to look like a wuss in front of the lads etc? If none of them want to go, how come lapdane clubs are so popular then?

No onebadmother

'So that makes it better? Kinder? Morally okay? '

That's not what i'm saying. All i'm saying is that, they are not as shady places as they seem. That our men are not up to anything by going there. Do our men grumble when we head off to see the Chipendales?

It doesn't matter whether the dancers are uglier or worse dressed than the wives. They're up for sale - or at least part of them is. That's the appeal for men.

The Chippendales were an anomaly. That's why we've heard of them. Lapdance clubs aren't.