To still be furious with DH for going to lapdancing club 7 weeks after our DD was born?

[Haircut100YearsAgo]

This is my first post on here, so please be kind to me!

My DH travels all over the world for work. Don't have a problem with this at all, but just 8 weeks after I had given birth to our DD I caught him out at a lapdancing club in Moscow. The silly sod had accidently pressed redial on his 'Crackberry' whilst he was in said club and I innocently answered the phone thinking he had called to say goodnight. First of all the only thing I could hear was heavy Eurotrash music, and I thought -- the bastard, he goes on about how knackered he is and he's out at a nightclub whilst I am up for most of the night with our DD! Then it became apparent where he was. Some of his Russian colleagues had obviously got themselves hooked up with women and my DH and a fellow Brit were left talking.

I could hear my DH desperately trying to get money changed so that he could get a private one-on-one. As I am typing this, it is bringing it all back & I am still soooo bloody mad at him. He eventually cut me off, but I am pretty sure nothing else happened. Part of me thinks, well that's the Russian way of doing things. Pretty disrepectful of my DH to me, etc., but no real harm done. The other part of me thinks I really can't trust him (one thing I have always done until now is to trust him implicitly). This happened about 3 months ago.

OK. Agree to disagree. Just giving both sides of the story as I see it/ have seen it.

God, it's all so desperately fucking sad, for all of us and on so many different levels, that this is how 'things are done'.

Message withdrawn

Happy to agree to disagree . Sorry if I sounded a bit snippy.

I don't think Yabu. What you heard must have been horrendous.

Don't let it eat away at you though, you really need to talk talk talk about this until you have all the answers you need and more importantly, are satisfied with those answers.

He obviously knows how much it hurt you. But he needs to understand that the implications have lasted much longer than you probably both expected.
And as he has betrayed your trust and put you through this, he needs to know what you're going through so he has the chance to do whatever it takes to put it right and rebuild that trust.

Her DH could have phoned her from the club, explained where he was, that he wasn't having a good time and to tell her he loved her and his new daughter....

But thats not what happened.

By the way OP, please don't think I'm coming to this from a 'my marriage is so perfect' angle. DH and I had a similar crisis before we were married. I won't go into details and hijack your thread, but it basically revolved around somewhat excessive use of pornography while I was away on business. Again without going into details, he perhaps had slightly more justification than your DH to be surprised at how upset I was, but he still hadn't told me about it... We very nearly split up over it, and if I hadn't found out about 2 weeks before our rather large and already paid for wedding, then I think we would have done (dreadful excuse to stay together, I know ). On the plus side, we are still together and very happy four years and one DS on, and I'm now very pleased we didn't split. It took me a good couple of years to really trust him again, though, and I must admit that there's still a small part of me that's quite relieved that I'm at home all the time with DS now, rather than away on business all the time. So anyway, I'm not saying 'leave him', but he definitely needs to understand just how awful you feel - that was a very important part of the healing process for me and DH. Sorry for the long 'me' story, but I hope it helps.

Just to give an alternative (a guy's) perspective on this. This discussion seems to come up quite a lot, both on mumsnet and in real life.

Typically, women seem to have broadly one of two views about their partners going to lap dancing clubs. Either (a) it's degrading to women and/or it's borderline infidelity and/or it makes them feel like crap and it should therefore never happen in any circumstances or (b) they're broadly okay with it provided their partner's just looking and it's a one-off type thing with a reason (e.g. stag weekend). If you're the former of these, then you'll hate your partner going to one of these places no matter what the reason/ excuse/ justification.

In my case, DW inclines to the latter, i.e. "go along on a stag weekend if everyone else is going, but if you touch any of them or have a private dance I'll cut your bollocks off". Of people I know, the majority of their partners also seem okay (to some extent) with their guys going provided that it is a one-off thing, all their friends/ colleagues are going and they don't have a private dance. (Obviously, on the other hand, there are some that hate their partners going no matter what.)

From a guy's perspective, I think it's fair to say that the vast majority of guys will have been at least once (and probably more) in their lives. Equally, it's probably fair to say that whilst there is clearly a minority of guys who seriously get off on lap dancing clubs, most guys go along because (a) there is some sort of social compulsion/ factor from a vocal portion of the group, be it work or stag weekend (b) they're pissed (c) there is a desire to carry on drinking somewhere that isn't a club. This isn't to justify it, just to say how it is, i.e. not a slavering mass of randy blokes craving the sight of female flesh. Personally, I find lap dancing places bloody tedious, over priced, over loud places (I'd much rather be in a proper club).

I guess the question for the OP is what is it that's really troubling her. Is it the fact that he went to a club at all? The fact that he didn't tell her he had gone/ was going? The fact that he may have had a private dance?

i don't do stuff that i know would hurt dh - i also don't need 'protecting' i'm a big girl now and if dh does stuff he feels he needs to protect me from he's in big trouble!!!

bloody hell, when will men work out that business should be conducted in an office, not while pinging someones g-string

it is soooooo fucking demeaning to us all, MEN and women!!

Ok, here goes. I'm going to tell a story that I have never ever confessed to anyone.

My husband has always known my strong views against lap-dancing places and the like. I think they are a vile reflection of our society's lack of basic morals and family values. This is something he knew about me way back in the early days of our dating relationship.

Fast forward several years, and we have an 18month old daughter and are getting married. So of course, up comes the obligitory stag night discussions. He goes for 1 night away in the UK, staying at a mate's house. He promises me faithfully that the night will not involve anything seedy. The next day he comes home, tells me all about it and again promises me faithfully nothing untoward went on.

I find out about the lap-dancing place ON OUR WEDDING DAY. I overheard a conversation between by husband and a mate. He saw me listening and his face dropped. This was during the evening do. I somehow carried on the rest of the night pretending I hadn't heard anything and didn't ask him about it until the next day.

So the next day, in our penthouse hotel suite he confesses all. The lap-dancing club and the £30 he paid for a private dance (during which she took ALL her clothes off I didn't even know they did this).

I was in pieces for A LONG TIME after this. I mean total breakdown. Crying for days. Screaming at him. Even making myself sick.
In fairness, he tried and tried to make things better but nothing could console me.

I understand exactly what the OP means when she says she loves her dh a little less. That's how I felt. I was totally repulsed by him, our sex life went out the window and of course every ounce of trust went with it.

In the end, he booked us some Relate sessions and I agreed to go along. This was nearly 4 years ago now, and as ashamed as I am of this story, I'm proud to say that we worked through it and probably now have a stronger relationship than we had before.

The only way we have managed to do this is by him REALLY realising how much he had hurt me. He stopped going on any nights out at all because he knew he had such a long way to go to build that trust back up. When I saw the commitment he was making to fixing things, the trust did gradually come back although it did take literally years.

I think the whole thing changed him a bit. Maybe he realised how close he came to losing everything. Now he hardly ever wants to go out, and prefers to be at home with his family. An old school friend is getting married this year and he's already said no to the stag do partly out of respect for me and partly 'cos he's not really that fussed on going anyway.

To the OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this now with such a young baby. All I can say is don't try and hide your feelings. Surely it will only fester away inside until you reach some kind of breaking point? Your dh needs to know how deeply he has hurt you. How else will he be able to put things right?

God, Jackanorygirl, what a thing to happen on your wedding day. I would have felt just the same. Neither DH or I wanted to have a stag or hen do to avoid precisely this kind of situation. I think some of DH's mates had one in his honour instead, so they didn't miss out . I'm so glad things worked out for you in the end .

re the ohone call
i know of awoman who heard her dh shagging another pserson cos he dialled home by mistake

jeez cod..what did she do?

jackanorygirl - your story has made me so for you, what a shitty thing thing to find out on your wedding day.

i'm so glad you both worked it out, i'm sure that the experience will only make your marriage stronger in the future.

i simply don't understand why some men cannot just go out for a beer, curry and a good laugh for a stag do, why don't they realise that they could be risking everything, home , family and most importantly the trust of the woman they purport to love prats!!!

jackanory

I really felt for you reading your story. I admire your strength in getting through the rest of the wedding night. What an awful way (& time!) to find out something like that!

Really pleased to hear you've worked through it so well though.

OP, you haven't posted for a while (maybe you don't spend all your time on MN, unlike some of us ). How are you feeling?

JackanoryGirl, so sorry to hear your story -- it's such a shitty thing isn't it. I can't get my head around what the difference between a guy getting up to no good in a lapdancing club is compared to a regular club? If a sexual act is performed either by or to the husband, he is being unfaithful whatever.

There are several things that are troubling me:

1. That he went to the club at all. He knows how I feel about them. We have discussed them in the past and he has agreed with me that they are demeaning and sleazy.
2. That he sounded so keen to get his one on one (and so disappointed not to be able to). As I understand it, the Russian girls offer a bit more than nude dancing in these private sessions, and will do anything for the American dollar.
3. I found out about this by absolute fluke -- I just cannot be sure he is telling me the truth when he says it was a one off.
4. I was at home nursing our baby daughter when he was out apparently trying to get laid, get a blow job, whatever. He called me a couple of hours before all of this happened saying he had just finished dinner and was exhausted and would be going for a quick drink and then back to the hotel. With him away so often, with no family or close friends near by, I needed him to help us as much as possible when he was at home during those first couple of months. He should have been more responsible and realise that to do this he should get as much rest as possible.
5. That it took so long for him to have the decency to call me after he found out that I had heard everything. He was there for another 48 hours and it took him about 12 hours to have the guts to call me. In the meantime I was at home in absolute bits not being able to do anything about it.
6. What really really hurts is hearing him talk to another woman, and obviously be turned on by her (whatever her profession). Gutting.

she divorced him.

YANBU. Even if he felt as though he had to take the clients to the club, he did not have to have a lap dance.

haircut....how did he realise you had heard?
what did you hear? was he just asking for a dance?

I sent him a message and then left him a voicemessage too. Don't know how long after I sent them that he got them. He wasn't specific, just banging on about getting his one on one. Also said to his Brit colleague that he had all this money, but couldn't spend it (as the club wouldn't take sterling, didn't have a cashpoint, etc daft club, missing a trick really). I do honestly believe a lot of this was bravado. Stupid prat. I have said to him since, probably the best way to behave is to imagine I can hear what's going on again if he thinks I wouldn't like what I'd hear, he probably shouldn't be doing it.

As well as him disrepecting me, I have lost a lot of respect for him.

but all this to Brit colleague, Haircut, implies that all the stuff about Russian way is tosh, doesn't it?

Oh sh*t, my DH is in Moscow right now. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and vulnerable emotionally...Oh no, he wouldn't again?

I'm afraid that all does somewhat worse than an average stag-weekend trip to a strip club, especially the offering to pay for a private dance. As you say, in Russia, I suspect the girls and the club owners probably have more liberal rules about what goes on during a private dance. Hopefully, as you say, it's probably a lot of bravado, which still makes him a wanker, albeit maybe not an unfaithful one.

I guess the problem is what do you going forwards? For people who travel quite a bit with work (like me) their partners really need to be able to trust them as there's no real way of checking up on them; in most cases it's not an issue (I'll admit the most exciting my travel evening life gets is a book and a glass of wine in the hotel bar or maybe a client dinner whoooo!) but it clearly is here since I imagine he'd be continuing to work in Russia...

what if he deliberately didn't take the right money so he could get out of having the dance without losing face with wanker clients?