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Original poster

What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

358 replies

MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:01

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 10/01/2023 15:04

Him bringing his girlfriend home (I was in hospital)

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:11

forrestgreen · 10/01/2023 15:04

Him bringing his girlfriend home (I was in hospital)

That is awful!! :O

OP posts:
hotdiggetydog · 10/01/2023 15:16

MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:01

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

Crikey. He's had a lucky escape here !!

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:18

How so?

OP posts:
Fantina · 10/01/2023 15:19

My now ExDH hadn’t spoken more than a handful of words to me for three weeks. One evening when I finished work, I sat in my car down the road from our home as I was building up the strength to go in. I knew then it was over.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 10/01/2023 15:20

You sound like awfully high maintenance OP. Sorry but that is how I read it. What a fuss over something trivial

Claudia84 · 10/01/2023 15:22

You were only twenty minutes late!!

I think I would have done the same as your husband.

I assume you were harbouring some low level resentment up to that point?

Yellowflowerr · 10/01/2023 15:22

I’m not sure whether I would have been bothered by the comment your DH made OP, just seems matter of factual, however I presume there were other things that contributed to your overall feeling and desire to separate, and that was just the last one, so not really anyone’s place to judge unnecessarily

KnittingDiva · 10/01/2023 15:23

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 10/01/2023 15:20

You sound like awfully high maintenance OP. Sorry but that is how I read it. What a fuss over something trivial

I have to agree. You were 20 minutes late for work. If someone called me about DH in same situation I would simply presume he had been delayed in traffic or something and get back to what I was doing. To jump from this to 'he doesn't care' is quite something.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 10/01/2023 15:23

You're very high maintenance.

Untitledsquatboulder · 10/01/2023 15:24

Gosh I say that to my mother all the time "mum I'm sure the police will let you know if I've been in an accident " because I don't always want to be ringing/texting to confirm my continued existence. Good job she's not gone non contact eh?

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:26

Yes, lots of things before that. We are not seperating based on that comment. He wouldnt really communicate with me about anything. If I was staying away for work or away for a girls weekend, I wouldnt hear from him. He would sometimes text to ask where I was or why I wasnt home, he would forget that I was going away, despite me saying for weeks beforehand. There used to be countless arguments about dinner. For 6 years, I made dinners every single day. I used to ask him to make me dinner for once as I was getting fed up with it. He would refuse. I would refuse to cook dinner the following night and he would starve and I would have toast...

He wouldnt have a filter around family or friends and would be so utterly rude to my family at times. We would pop over to my dads for a tea to see him and my husband would sit on his phone and ignore everyone.

I wasnt expecting him to think I had been in an accident or to leave work and go looking for me. I just thought it was a bit weird to not mention it, at all. Even if I got a text to say that my work had called him, and if everything is alright would suffice.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:29

I suppose its unusual for your work to call an emergency contact.
If his work contacted me, I wold have at least sent a text asking if he was alright.
It was a bit hurtful that he didnt say anything.

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 10/01/2023 15:33

Now you are drip feeding OP

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:35

Sorry.. just dont want people to think I ended the marriage with that one comment lol!

OP posts:
Proteinpudding · 10/01/2023 15:39

Presumably though, OPs DH didn't know she was twenty minutes late, ie he wouldnt have known that she had arrived?
I don't think it's high maintenance to expect that at some point in the day he'd check that she had actually made it into work & was ok?

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:40

Proteinpudding · 10/01/2023 15:39

Presumably though, OPs DH didn't know she was twenty minutes late, ie he wouldnt have known that she had arrived?
I don't think it's high maintenance to expect that at some point in the day he'd check that she had actually made it into work & was ok?

This is my point
It's not like they called him back and said that I had arrived!
I dont think its too much either, I think its pretty basic

OP posts:
oonrug · 10/01/2023 15:40

I'm surprised at the amount of people calling you high maintenance for this OP, if I had a call from my partners work saying that they hadn't turned up I would be very worried! Yes like you say, you wouldn't expect him to go out looking, but a text to check that everything was ok would have been nice. It's strange that he didn't.

Want2beme · 10/01/2023 15:40

Have I read this before somewhere?

1994girl · 10/01/2023 15:42

Oh get a grip

Climbles · 10/01/2023 15:45

The OP isn’t saying she spilt up with him for that. It was just a moment when he made her feel very uncared for, one of many I imagine.

Pennyacrossthehall · 10/01/2023 15:46

Only in relation to the not-calling-while-away: it just might not be apparent to him that you think he needs to do this.

It often didn't cross my mind that I needed to check in regularly while away. In my head, I'm away, I still love you, I'll be back soon and will talk to you then.

One of the various things I've learned from Mumsnet.

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:50

No, I get that. I wasnt even asking for non stop texting. Maybe a text asking how I was to enjoy myself, did I get there alright? I dont know.. something. I repeatedly asked him to do this as communication is important to me.

Just like if he ever went away for business, I asked him to let me know if he got there safely. Sometimes he wouldnt and I would send a text and asked then I would leave him be to rest, enjoy his night or whatever.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 10/01/2023 15:54

Yes sorry you do sound high maintenance. I wouldn’t end a marriage over any of your examples. Surely you knew what he was like before you got married

daisyjgrey · 10/01/2023 15:59

Want2beme · 10/01/2023 15:40

Have I read this before somewhere?

I thought the same.

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