What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

[MadScottishBurd]

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

I agree. I only ever started one thread on here before and after several abusive replies I decided “never again!”

Yes. There was a thread when it happened.

I think the moment he said he was going to kill me , then said no I won’t I’ll just make your life so miserable you’d wish you were dead was a turning point.

MN is weird.
I dont understand why everyone is so unkind to each other. Clearly there are many MN keyboard gangsters. If you think my reaction was over the top, fair enough, but there is no need to insult me. I'm still confused at the mentally unstable comment. I think its mentally unstable to NOT care if your partners work calls to say that they havent arrived. The fact it was a really bad weather day too makes it worst.

Getting up in the middle of the night for a wee, I misjudged the steps and stood out about three steps up and came crashing to the bottom.

I was in so much pain, exhusband helped me up and into another room, I asked him to call an ambulance the pain was excruciating, he replied " you know I don't like speaking to people" so I called my our ambulance.

I knew in that instance I would never forgive him, I stayed another 15yrs, but that was it over for me really.

Ex DP not DH. He went through the shopping list and crossed off everything he claimed not to eat, such as biscuits, flour, butter (but he ate the cake I made with them!) and gave me half the cost of everything else. I knew I couldn’t live with that tightness any longer.

I remember reading a comment he wrote to his friend on fb. He had posted a picture of our dog with some nice scenary in the background. A friend commented asking how much for the dog - all of our friends love our dog, she is the cutest and he replied back "What dog? MadScottishBurd isnt in the picture"
I know thats a joke but I felt that was totally disrespectful

@MadScottishBurd That last comment- you’re right, he’s horrible. That would have been the moment for me, not the one in the op.

Surely a caring partner would have been straight on their phone looking for you, I know the map locaters don’t always work but it would be my very first thought!

DD’s friend had a call from her partner’s work colleague, worried that he hadn’t turned up for something important, she couldn’t find him on her phone, which had been destroyed when he was instantly killed on his motorbike, 15 minutes from home, it took 3 agonising hours for the Police to come and inform her.
That’s the kind of reason a partner should give a damn - however unlikely.

@MadScottishBurd ·

Not sure why you did not phone work yourself or they did not phone you????

People seem to get uptight over the smallest things, if I'd reacted like that we would never have managed 52 years! We had been up to Sweden to collect a new car, living in Germany at the time, the arrangement was that he would drive back down in the new car with one child and I'd bring the baby in our old car, we would meet up on the Autobahn services, probably about 3am. I got there and waited thinking he was driving the new car more slowly but after an hour I decided to carry on. When I got home he was fast asleep in bed, he'd decided not to stop as child 1 was sleeping! After a lot of yelling from me it became one of those stories, nothing else.

Mine definitely wasn’t the worst he had done but when we went to a friends house, 2 couples.

We were sitting chatting and I made the other couple laugh. I can’t remember what I said the three of us were really giggling. Ex stopped us dead in our tracks and said “you do know I’m funnier that you don’t you?” Totally icy cold, really fucking chilling. Like how fucking dare you make them laugh more than me. It was my fuck this moment.

He still thinks he’s the centre of the universe and thinks I left him cos I was having an affair. Not because he had turned into a sulking, repulsive twat

Why did you marry this guy? He sounds like a total prick. You have denied there was any resentment before the events described in your original post. People can’t get a real sense of what went on if you drip feed information. Sounds like it was clear he was always q nasty and disinterested

I tried calling the main office and no one answered.
They meant to call me first but called my emergency contact by accident.

Sorry, I don’t think this is a eureka moment at all. He just (rightly) assumed it was probably nothing and didn’t start stressing for no reason. Tbh I’d feel smothered by someone who did make a big deal out of it.

I read your first thread OP and I don’t think you were overreacting.

Anyway, mine wasn’t a husband but a long term partner that I lived with. He was generally a lazy shit but at one point I was working 6 days a week, with some 7-6 shifts. He was working 9-5 Monday-Friday. I called him one day on my way home asking for him to do dinner. I said can you put the (frozen) pie in the oven and peel some potatoes. I got home about 45 mins later and he literally had done just that. Pie in the oven, which wasn’t even switched on. Potatoes peeled, left on chopping board uncut and he hadn’t even tided away the peelings. I just stood there looking at it and left and went and got myself a takeaway. His response was he ‘didn’t know how to make mashed potato’, he was just a lazy prick.

If my DP or I received a call from work like that OP, we would both be very worried until we made contact. I understand how you have internalised this.

No it doesn’t?!
It reads like it’s a last straw moment. Obviously there is a back story - extremely obvious from reading the OP.
Take it you didn’t do well at comprehension exercises at school.

I used to be with someone like this. It's not so much the lack of communication it's the fact that they don't care. It's nice to feel that ultimately your husband cares about you, however annoying they may be on a day to day basis.
I'm still friends with said ex years and he's fine as a friend. He just can't seem to make that extra commitment to being someone's number one person.

I don't think you've been unreasonable to expect a text as a bare minimum to ensure you're ok. He didn't know you whether you got to work or not! I'd be pissed...

If this was the sole reason then I'd be saying it's ridiculous to end your marriage over, but as you've explained - it isn't.

Best of luck OP ❤️

I am sorry for dripfeeding everyone but I feel the need to justify why it was a last straw moment for me because so many people are making me out to be crazy. I wasnt intending on giving any other information, that wasnt the purpose of the post!

Don't think you are high maintenance in the slightest.

If I got a call from my husbands work that he hadn't arrived at a meeting I would be concerned and would be trying to contact him to confirm he was ok.

Very normal behaviour in a loving relationship.

How bizarre that so many would not be concerned that their partners emergency numbers were used by work for a no show, and would carry on for the rest of the day and not give their well-being another thought.

Very strange behaviour IMO.

Thankfully never had a "It's over moment" - but OP I have to say imoho you are been dramatic. 20 minutes delay is to be expected in shit driving conditions, now had you not turned up after a couple hours I'd see the point.

Exactly, I mean my work should have called me, they called him by accident. But whats the point in having an emergency contact if theyre going to take no notice

Agree, perfectly clear it was a final lightbulb moment.