What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

[MadScottishBurd]

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

Agree with others here. Really trivial for a “final straw” event.
I suspect you were looking for a reason to end it based on other issues in your relationship, which isn’t unreasonable obviously:

It all depends on what job you do and what job your exH did/does and what your day to day routine is/was and how much you check in with each other on a day to day basis etc but I tend to agree with others OP that you sound quite high maintenance.
You do know that literally millions of single people could be late for a work meeting every single day and no one (family, loved ones etc) are going to drop everything they are doing because someone from their work phoned the "emergency" number in order to find out why you are late for that meeting.
OK if you did not come home (unexpectedly) and made no contact for 48h hours and your partner did nothing then fair point. Otherwise, this kind of thing is just a normal part of being part of a very busy couple.

This. My best friends brother was slightly late for work one morning. They phoned his sister and straight away she knew something was wrong. Knowing that the police wouldn’t be interested in a 22yo that had been ‘missing’ for half an hour in the morning, her mum drove the route to his work looking for him. She found his dead body in his car that was on a bend next to a knocked over telephraph pole he’d plowed into. How uncaring do you have to be to get a phone call from someone saying your spouse is missing, and not take the 10-15 seconds it takes to pick up the phone and say ‘are you ok’?

The end of a relationship which is serious (eg marriage) often involves someone having kept score for a very long time either consciously or subconsciously and then after they made the decision many of those situations are to a greater or lesser extent re-written as unforgivable behaviour. What OP is doing is pretty common to be honest

Lol @ the nasty bitches comment followed up by an ableist slur about her husband being ‘spectrummy’

Yes, your comment made me giggle!! :)

I get what you are saying op, I vividly remember an ex I had been with for years one time when I got home from work at about 10pm because I went for a drink with a colleague and lost track of time not even glancing up when I walked in, I usually got home at 6 and I said "sorry I'm late I went for a drink" to which he responded "oh I hadnt even noticed" and he genuinely hadnt, wasnt saying it to be stroppy. I realised at that point we had just completely drifted apart and stopped communicating (there was far more in the background to all of that but it kind of made it clear that we werent in love any more.

Yes, it's the "clarity moment". What they do or say isn't even necessarily that much, but it suddenly makes everything else crystal clear and you know what you have to do.

I don’t think you sound high maintenance. His “if it’s important the police will tell me” attitude is really hurtful, if someone I cared about didn’t turn up at their work unexpectedly and unexplained I would be trying to get in contact with them from the second I found out until they confirm they were okay! Rather have a “sorry traffic was horrible” phone call than wait five hours and discover something awful had happened

OP I remember your thread and I'm pleased you've ended it with him. He clearly didn't care.

And to PP saying its trivial etc... that's the whole point isn't it? The number of times a woman says, "it was the straw that broke the camel's back" or similar. The specific incident is relatively small and minor and, if it was a standalone, the answer would be to implement solution X, but it's the tipping point. The point at which you realise, this is just yet another example in a long, endless stream of them and that's it, you're done.

For me, it's actually the opposite. Sometimes, when times have been tough between me and DH, it's the long string of small things he does all the time that help to pull me through and usually, there's something small and specific where I can feel that switch turning back to "normal and happy" from "enraged and resentful". A few months ago it was coming home to find he'd cleaned the bathrooms. Just made me wake up and realise I was totally over-egging other issues.

I get what you're saying OP

It's the fact that he never checked to see if you arrived and appeared not to care that there could have been more to the story, just assumed you would walk through the door as usual.

If my partners work rang me because he was late I wouldn't be happy until I had heard from him to know he was OK.

It's the final straw that shows the state of your relationship and I think as you said in that moment it was very clear to you that it's over

Time to put your your best foot forward and strut out of there

I know a woman for whom it was when he complained because she'd put xxx on a text to a (female) friend and he only ever got x.

It was ridiculous and silly and I can personally name 50 moments his behaviour was a million times worse and that's as an outsider! But that was the final straw for her.

I know it seems very trivial but I find it odd. We wouldnt text everyday to say we had got to work okay but I think when your partners work calls, it does change things. It would easily take 10/20 secs to type out a quick text.

Sounds like it was the final straw OP. I get that.

My final straw was when ex-husband was entering into one of his regular sulks. He was quite the sulker, days at a time. I thought, I'm leaving you, and I did.

To be fair you did start a thread asking about the final straw moments. It was pretty obvious there was a back story!

And I wish you well in your new single, rude twatlessness 😊

I think you are 100% right OP. My DH would be ringing and texting and doing nothing else until he had heard from me and I would do the same if I got a call like that about him.

Ending a marriage doesn't have to be loud and dramatic. This is the final straw. End the marriage with dignity and have the life you want. Life is short.

Annoying yes but def not worth a divorce. I assume you were looking for a way out long before this incident.

I get you, OP! You didn’t leave your ex because he didn’t fall over himself to check you were ok. But it brought things into focus?

For me… the morning my Gran had died in the night. Told DH who said ‘yeah, I heard your phone ring in the night and I thought she probably had’ - he had clearly had that thought then rolled over and gone back to sleep.

Also, the day he rang me at work saying ‘your fucking dog won’t listen’. It was his opening sentence and I’m not sure what he expected me to do, or why it was worth interrupting me with but the disrespectful, accusatory tone was a deal breaker.

Marriage was on its last legs before that though, it’s not like I left him over either of those things.

Wow.

Sorry all of you wouldn't give a second thought or your other halves wouldn't give a second thought if your work called to say they were worried because the weather was terrible and you hadn't shown up! They didn't call him back later to say don't worry, she's here, and he admitted he didn't know.

I can categorically state that my husband wouldn't have (in general) been worried but had he received a call like that he would. As would I.

Genuinely stunned at the answers here!

I wasnt looking for a way out, no. Things didnt feel right and I suppose that was the icing on the cake!

Yes, sorry I agree with PP. Lucky escape for him.

Living with someone needy and high maintenance is exhausting. Funny that that was your eureka moment - it may well be his too, for more legitimate reasons

When he received a card to our work place from an ex that he’d bumped into, with her number saying she’s like to keep in touch. I didn’t give two hoots.

"you aren't as mentally well-balanced"

That is so harsh!
I am really shocked by some of these responses.
I understand it is a forum and there will be difference in opinions but Jeeeeeeeez