Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

358 replies

MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:01

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

OP posts:
leelan · 10/01/2023 17:18

At the moment I'm having these same thoughts. You must have so many more concerns than this one comment. Hopefully you work though it and work out what you want.

jays · 10/01/2023 17:19

MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:26

Yes, lots of things before that. We are not seperating based on that comment. He wouldnt really communicate with me about anything. If I was staying away for work or away for a girls weekend, I wouldnt hear from him. He would sometimes text to ask where I was or why I wasnt home, he would forget that I was going away, despite me saying for weeks beforehand. There used to be countless arguments about dinner. For 6 years, I made dinners every single day. I used to ask him to make me dinner for once as I was getting fed up with it. He would refuse. I would refuse to cook dinner the following night and he would starve and I would have toast...

He wouldnt have a filter around family or friends and would be so utterly rude to my family at times. We would pop over to my dads for a tea to see him and my husband would sit on his phone and ignore everyone.

I wasnt expecting him to think I had been in an accident or to leave work and go looking for me. I just thought it was a bit weird to not mention it, at all. Even if I got a text to say that my work had called him, and if everything is alright would suffice.

If my dh’s work called me to
say he hadn’t turned up, even it was only 20 mins , I’d text or phone to make sure he was ok and he would do the same. I can’t imagine not doing that! I’d be upset if he didn’t think to phone me to make sure I was ok. Now he’s far from perfect, as am I, but he’d be on the phone straight away to make sure I was ok.

ArtixLynx · 10/01/2023 17:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

grumpycow1 · 10/01/2023 17:21

If my work called my DH to say I wasn’t there I know for a fact he would message me a quick ‘work rang, you ok?’ And vice versa. It’s not an everyday thing is it??

jays · 10/01/2023 17:22

Teaandtoast3 · 10/01/2023 16:33

@MadScottishBurd I wrote something quite similar on here a while ago and I was also slated and called high maintenance OP. It was under a completely different name.

I fully understand. It’s the straw that broke the camels back. It’s a basic lack of care and concern. If anyone rang me to tell me they couldn’t get hold of someone in my life I would be concerned and trying to contact them!

I honestly think a lot of people on here have very low standards!

And weirdly enough my ex is now actually far nicer and considerate of me as a friend… more than he ever was when I was his wife!!

I agree. I think a lot are still playing out the ‘cool girl’ I’m not like other girls BS.

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 17:22

grumpycow1 · 10/01/2023 17:21

If my work called my DH to say I wasn’t there I know for a fact he would message me a quick ‘work rang, you ok?’ And vice versa. It’s not an everyday thing is it??

Yes, this!!
Thats all I expected, a quick text saying just that.

OP posts:
pawprintseverywhere · 10/01/2023 17:22

pawprintseverywhere · 10/01/2023 17:15

Thankfully never had a "It's over moment" - but OP I have to say imoho you are been dramatic. 20 minutes delay is to be expected in shit driving conditions, now had you not turned up after a couple hours I'd see the point.

BUT in all fairness. Yes I would check in if any of my loved ones were delayed.... oooh I dunno. It read like that was the sole reason you ended sorry!

Allschoolsareartschools · 10/01/2023 17:22

Want2beme · 10/01/2023 15:40

Have I read this before somewhere?

Yes, me too. Word for word.
Not to say it couldn't happen to more than one person but all the posts look very familiar.

YouTarzan · 10/01/2023 17:24

Jesus Christ. I think there’s a lot of people don’t know what the phrase ‘final straw’ means!

ArtixLynx · 10/01/2023 17:24

and yeah.. i mean, i LOATHED my ExH, for months after i left him. but when his work called to ask where he was as he hadn't turned up to work on time during icy weather (he rode a motorbike and i was still emergency contact) the first thing i did was try to contact him.

It wouldn't have occurred not to.. he might be a massive fucking bell end, but he's still my kids dad.

The fact the OP's ExH couldn't even do that while they were still married to each other... nah, i'm with the OP.

BootifulLoser · 10/01/2023 17:29

For me "the moment" was one Christmas many years ago... we were temporarily living apart for work, so hadn't seen one another for three months. He arrived in a mood on Christmas Eve, I ran out of the house to greet him and his first words to me were to complain about the parking. No sex that evening, then on Christmas Day he had a lie-in until 2pm while I listened to The Drugs Don't Work over and over again (that album was one of Christmas gifts but I opened and kept it) while making the Christmas dinner and crying.
We didn't actually split up until Valentine's Day but that was the point when I knew I didn't want it any more.
And no that was not a one-off occurrence.

fionaapple · 10/01/2023 17:30

I don't think you're being high maintenance. Like others have said, he didn't know you'd actually made it into work and didn't seem arsed about finding out. It obviously wasn't an isolated event that made you want a divorce. Some people are so obtuse.

TiredButDancing · 10/01/2023 17:34

What stands out for me about a lot of these stories is the EFFORT that wasn't made. eg, most recent post - I can totally see me or DH being irritated by some parking issue. But I also know that both of us would immediately attempt to shake it off on the basis that we'd want to greet our loved one enthusiastically and make them feel loved.

I find "hi, how are you" every time I speak to DH on the phone tedious. We see each other every day, we text regularly, we are on the phone regularly... we don't need to do it. But it's important to him so I do it. I'm sure there are similar things DH does or doesn't do for me. All these plonkers just can't be assed.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 10/01/2023 17:35

I don’t think the OP was asking for opinions on her own “moment”, the final straw can be anything, however trivial it appears to others.

For me, I struggled for a long time, knowing that I wasn’t a priority for him. But when he had a vasectomy, with no agreement from me, knowing how much I wanted another baby made it crystal clear to me how little he valued me. I still stayed for years, but the moment I truly knew it was over was when we were having sex and I saw his face in the mirror. Five years on, it still haunts me.

RUNPMTS · 10/01/2023 17:41

JudgeJ · 10/01/2023 17:09

People seem to get uptight over the smallest things, if I'd reacted like that we would never have managed 52 years! We had been up to Sweden to collect a new car, living in Germany at the time, the arrangement was that he would drive back down in the new car with one child and I'd bring the baby in our old car, we would meet up on the Autobahn services, probably about 3am. I got there and waited thinking he was driving the new car more slowly but after an hour I decided to carry on. When I got home he was fast asleep in bed, he'd decided not to stop as child 1 was sleeping! After a lot of yelling from me it became one of those stories, nothing else.

Show quote history

So because you have no standards and will put up with any old shit, everyone else should too?

ShandaLear · 10/01/2023 17:48

I’d be more annoyed at my work phoning my emergency contact after 20 minutes. That’s nothing more than a missed bus, a queue at the junction on a motorway, or I’d forgotten my meeting and gone for a Costa. Absolute nothing to get worked up about. I expect your DH thought they were completely overreacting.

Summerhouse2013 · 10/01/2023 17:48

Proteinpudding · 10/01/2023 15:39

Presumably though, OPs DH didn't know she was twenty minutes late, ie he wouldnt have known that she had arrived?
I don't think it's high maintenance to expect that at some point in the day he'd check that she had actually made it into work & was ok?

This...totally agree with your comment. I think some people have missed the point!

FrenchOnionSuper · 10/01/2023 17:49

Wow don’t blame you op what an arse

Mummieslncorporated · 10/01/2023 17:52

When I realised that I just didn't care. We hadn't been getting on, and previously arguments etc would really upset me. I knew it was over when I no longer gave a damn what he did or said.

Bee2418 · 10/01/2023 17:52

He threw a blender at me in a drunken rage. When he sobered up the next day he calmly explained to me why it was really my fault.

Spaceprincess · 10/01/2023 17:53

My Exh gormlessly watched a drunk literally stick his hand up my skirt in a pub. Did absolutely fuck all, I helped the barmaid who was about 20 throw drunk out.
Ex looked at me with his stupid vacant sink like face and said “I didn’t know what to do’
no emotion at all

Tricolette · 10/01/2023 17:56

ShandaLear · 10/01/2023 17:48

I’d be more annoyed at my work phoning my emergency contact after 20 minutes. That’s nothing more than a missed bus, a queue at the junction on a motorway, or I’d forgotten my meeting and gone for a Costa. Absolute nothing to get worked up about. I expect your DH thought they were completely overreacting.

They rang op's emergency contact by mistake.
Obviously their reading comprehension was on a par with yours.

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 17:58

Some of these replies are savage!!
I'm not sure if I am amused or shocked!
Either way, providing some good late work entertainment :)

OP posts:
PenelopePitshag · 10/01/2023 18:01

Not actually married, but we were due to get married very shortly after. Had been together a few years (university etc). Invitations all sent out, lots of family were travelling up & had already booked accommodation.
He was sitting reading the paper at his parents house, I'd been to visit for a few days, & my mother had just arrived to pick me up (no car, poor student). I wanted to ask/tell him something before I left (I honestly can't remember what) & he got really shirty with me. Told me he was busy reading the paper & instructed me to moderate my tone. In front of his mother & mine too.
I left with my mum & we drove nearly a hundred miles in silence, it wasn't until we were almost home that I told her what had really been going on. He didn't seem to understand the concept of consent, for a start, he was a spoilt little rich bastard who'd never gone without anything & believed he could just take or ignore whatever he wanted, whenever he liked, including me. Bully, anger issues, deliberate dangerous driving when he wanted to scare me. I phoned him when we got home, & ended it. I think it was the shocked look on my mother's face (at what he said) that made me realise how far it was from a normal healthy relationship. I'd been kidding myself up to then. The only person who truly knows everything the bastard did to me, is DH.
I've never regretted it. I regret not making sure I'd got all my stuff before we left though.

EmmaDilemma5 · 10/01/2023 18:02

Did you post about this before?

The way you've written your OP makes you sound unreasonable.

You were 20 minutes late and they didn't call him after not making contact with you. They called BEFORE calling you. Of course he wouldn't be overly concerned.

If my partner's work called me saying he's not picking up, I'd panic. If they said they hadn't called him yet, I'd say, call him and let me know if he doesn't pick up (which presumably is what your partner thought should happen).

I hope you don't regret this later. I hate to be a downer but a lot of the 'good ones' are taken by 30s. You may find you should have just worked on your relationship with your otherwise loving and loyal partner.