What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

[MadScottishBurd]

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

Our baby was taken to NICU, I couldn’t feel my legs after a section so couldn’t see him.

He went home as he “tired” (it wasn’t an emergency section, not like I’d been in labour for days and he’d been awake), and went home, ordered pizza and played on the playstation.

He only came back 24 hours later. My ds first opened his eyes in an incubator with no one there.

He also refused to advocate for us with the shit care we both received and went back to work after two days “as there was no point hanging round a hospital”. Meanwhile, I stayed there, sat and slept by ds incubator for three weeks and only ate once every few days when I begged him to bring me food and he wasn’t too busy to do so. I got so ill. The hospital didn’t care. ex h didn’t care and I had no one else in the world.

I never forgave him. And the fact that ds is an adult who now thinks the sun shines out of his arse stings a bit.

Erm... don't sound high maintenance to me. Bit surprised people saying that tbh. If that happened to me and my husband didn't call, I would also be upset. But then not everyone expects their husbands to care apparently

My eureka moment was when he threatened my 16 year old daughter

Another day of a drunk husband like any other but then He pulled the Christmas tree over and smashed some baubles before slamming a knife into the kitchen counter two days before Christmas one year, I walked out, drove to his dads house gave him the house key and told him he wasn't my problem anymore.

Have people lost their minds? If my partner’s work said he hadn’t arrived I would be very worried and check in with him.

I knew my long term relationship was over when he started another argument with me over the same old thing and I just didn’t care anymore. I literally just sat there and let him have a go without attempting to defend myself or get him to see my point of view. I just didn’t care.

I've only read page one of this as some of the comments already annoyed me so much.

So weird! All my message didn't post!!!

Anyway - @MadScottishBurd you're not high maintenance

Bloody hell, some of these replies. OP bashing really is a sport on here. Let it die down and then post that your H is upset because you didn't check on him when his work phoned and I guarantee the very same people will be on telling you you were wrong not to check on him.

I would have felt as hurt as you OP. Even if he wasn't a twat in other ways.

I've posted a couple of mine on the other thread linked here but remembered another one. I couldn't leave for a bit after this but it was a huge nail in the coffin: I was taking a DC aged 5 to the park and they tripped over. They only had shorts and t-shirt on so it was grazes on hands, elbows and knees. I carried them home and got them cleaned up but they were upset from the shock and pain so crying. Lots of cuddles and I asked them if they wanted an ice-cream to cheer them up. They did but then XP arrived in the doorway wincing and announced there was only one ice-cream left (he had eaten the rest of the pack I had bought unknown to me) and he was looking forward to having it later so DC couldn't have it. He wasn't DCs father but still, what a repulsively selfish thing to think let alone say.

THIS!

I would expect my husband to be extremely worried in this scenario and to have tried to contact me a lot during the day.

I would’ve felt exactly the same OP

@MadScottishBurd I get it OP.
The final straw that broke the camels back.

Oh, my ex was a cunt.
The niggling little things - kicking in the back door of our rented house when he forgot his house keys once, spending all our money on poker nights with "the boys", beating our puppy with a lead till the poor little soul pissed itself every time it saw him, calling me a "big jolly fat lass" and "as mad as my mother" (NB - my mum is a very badly damaged alcoholic) Thinking it was funny that he and one of his mates (aged 18 or so) had "kidnapped" someone with a fake gun and frightened them to the point where they'd pissed themselves.
Thought it was time to leave him when he was getting ready to go out one night - to shag my oldest friend, as it happened: she wore much nicer underwear than I did, apparently - and I stood looking at him in the bath and wondered if I'd get away with dropping the fan heater in on him and claiming I'd tripped on the landing.

He thought he was a gangster. He was a twat, and I hope he rots.

@MadScottishBurd You can tell how threads are going to go from the first couple of replies. The 800 subsequent replies either fawn or put the boot in even more (depending on whether the first couple of people fawn or kick). There's no logic to any of it.

OPs having an absolute stinker here

Hang on @LuckeyBuoy the OP came on with a fairly innocuous example of the final straw. Most people wouldn’t end a marriage over it and yes the OP did come across as high maintenance. She has since come on and added much more detail. BUT she previously denied any pre existing resentment. Someone would be extreme to end a marriage with no other problems over the scenario the OP set out in her first post. It’s not bitchy to say that.

I agree with this. I am definitely keeping score and holding resentment. Im trying to (in the words of Elsa,) let it go but its easier said than done. However, I'm still married. I could have left my husband lots of times over the last 3 years. I have chosen to brush it under the carpet. I have small children. He isn't a bad man but I don't always like his behaviour. There is love there but also lots of water under the bridge. I think something small can be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

People are differet, which isn't a shock. One of the things that drove me mad about my alcoholic unfaithful ex was his non stop monitoring where I was and what I was doing. I felt like a criminal who had been released with one of those tag things.

But its a final straw... doesnt matter what else has happened or what information I withheld.. its a final straw so yeah, alot of these replies are just nasty!

Wow, the responses saying you’re high maintenance. Baffling! I’m only glad all you women with low, low bars for men are around to marry all the shit men left over and stop them hassling us normal women who have reasonable expectations of a relationship, you know like contributing around the house and caring whether or not we are safe. The mind boggles.

Have to agree, obviously there must be more but this sounds... an incredibly mild thing to get het up over. And I say that as someone who's partner is the opposite and definitely would be worried if work had called saying I hadn't showed up

@MadScottishBurd its fine for you to feel that and it’s fine for others to think that’s pretty extreme. I wouldn’t have given this a second thought other than be annoyed my work had created a whole hullabaloo over twenty minutes. It’s my colleagues I would be annoyed at. And no I don’t have low standards, I’m just an independent adult.

I never said anyone had low standards on this post.
But an independent adult.. what does independence have to do with this scenario??? strange reply.

In fairness you didn't say "final straw" you said the "this is over moment" which my interpretation was basically, what event went down which led to you knowing you no longer wanted to be with someone. It would have been helpful to clarify as it's quite a different thing between the 2, especially when your OP stated he was a decent guy, it just came across that you ended your marriage because of something relatively minor. It's not the end of the world but it will impact responses.

You were twenty minutes late for work. If it was two hours and he hadn’t text you when your work rang then fair enough he should have gotten in touch. In the end it all comes down to the fact that your subsequent posts paint him in a very poor light so I don’t understand why you married him in the first place? He clearly couldn’t give you what you wanted.

why are people struggling with the 'moment of clarity' thing.

The whole point is it might be the pettiest thing in the world compared to a shit ton of awful bollocks you've been through in your marriage, but for whatever reason, that one single stupid thing is the thing that made you go 'i'm done'

Sorry that part was aimed at the several other posters who have said anyone who disagrees with you have low standards and in one charming case said marry all the shit men or words to that effect. I mean independent adults don’t need their husbands to check in with them in the ways you have set out.