What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

[MadScottishBurd]

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

OP, I really don't understand why you're getting so much flack. There was a thread on a similar topic yesterday I think, filled with women telling (often amusing) stories about whatever it was that just pushed them over the edge.

As for the call from work - well, in our case, it might be that DH could go onto find my phone and see if any of my devices were connected and therefore where I might. Or, as likely, he wouldn't be hugely worried but would probably send me a message asking me to contact him when I got in. And then, if I didn't do that, might then start to get more anxious later. It's not "mental weakness". Jeez.

I was thinking this too! I don't think it's 'high maintainence' to expect your partner (who is supposed to LOVE you) after being contacted to say you hadn't turned up for work as expected to be concerned if you are actually okay prioritise following up your welfare over his work committments until knowing all was fine! That's normal caring behaviour 🤔

@MadScottishBurd I wrote something quite similar on here a while ago and I was also slated and called high maintenance OP. It was under a completely different name.

I fully understand. It’s the straw that broke the camels back. It’s a basic lack of care and concern. If anyone rang me to tell me they couldn’t get hold of someone in my life I would be concerned and trying to contact them!

I honestly think a lot of people on here have very low standards!

And weirdly enough my ex is now actually far nicer and considerate of me as a friend… more than he ever was when I was his wife!!

Then it would have been a good idea to include more in your opening post - because that's exactly what it reads like!

That is such a horrible post
any caring person would surely check in if they had a phone call that their spouse hadn’t turned up for work
That’s not irrational or mental weakness

I'm still in my marriage. 2 young DDs so it's full on, hoping it gets easier with time etc.
But there have been a couple of things that have happened where I've thought, I'll never forget this and I'm not sure I can ever forgive it. Once was when DD1 was 10 months old, she had a medical issue and we were to take her to hospital for investigations (didn't require 999). Was snowing and couldn't get car out so had to walk approx 40 mins there. He let me walk with her in baby carrier with overnight bag on my back alone in ankle deep snow as he was working and "it wasn't a good use of HIS time to come too".

DD2 was a bit of a surprise but we weren't being careful so equally responsible. When I was about 7 weeks we were driving home from a holiday he accused me of "manipulating the pregnancy" "he wanted to be involved but wasn't sure in what capacity" and "wasn't sure he still loved me". Managed to get through this but it hurt and ruined what should have been a happy time.

We have ups and downs as most couples do. But I do find my mind going to these incidents (amongst others).

I don't have a last straw moment myself but just to add support really. If my work called my DH in these circumstances I'd expect him to at least message me. I don't think that's unreasonable.

The whole thing about 'last straws' is that they can be trivial. I guess this is a bit but the point is it illustrated his lack of any care, which is hurtful and has probably built up over time.

You knew your husband was contacted to say you hadn't turned up for work, but he never called back. How do you know he wasn't lying in hospital having suffered a heart attack! Yet, you didn't find out why he hadn't checked in with you. Did you not care enough?

It is something I wouldn't be surprised if dh or I did, we tend to shut off from home a bit once in work.

Your reason in itself alone, would not have been significant in a otherwise healthy relationship, it was just the tiny little straw the broke the camels back on a relationship that was already dead in the water.

Both of those are very hurtful

My ex was an alcoholic. I had a small surgery and had to be monitored by someone at home for 24 hours. I asked him to get me some painkillers as we got out the taxi I went in the house. It was four hours before he came home with no tablets. I was fuming. We were undergoing IVF at the time and I decided there and then it was over.

More understanding people on this thread OP

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4716189-did-any-of-you-have-a-i-divorced-him-because-he-left-his-cup-in-the-sink-moment?page=5&reply=122970358

I think sometimes it's a case of the straw that broke the camels back.

For me it was when dd was born and he didn't turn up at the hospital the next morning because he was 'tired'. I was terrified, it was the only time I'd ever needed him and he wasn't there. I tried to get over it but couldn't

Oh FFS, OP getting a pasting because she asked a specific question, and only gave information pertinent to that in her OP.

She wasn't asking what all the small things that brought people to that moment were, just what the final straw was. Which often seems to be some small innocuous thing.

Her subject line makes it clear that she's asking for that "final moment", which I think most people understand under all the other ways its been described on here - the tipping point, straw that broke the camel's back, last straw etc.

This is the most bizarre thread I've seen in a while.

I don't think you're high maintenance at all OP. If I got a phone call from DH's work saying he hadn't turned up I wouldn't be able to go back to my day until I knew what was going on. I think that's quite a normal reaction, I'm pretty sure my otherwise very laidback, non dramatic DH would have tried to contact me too in the reverse.

And I could say why that felt like a defining moment amongst lots of others, it says a lot even though it appears small.

*see

When he told me he'd kill me if I left. Apparently my brain went "lol I dare you!"
Honestly I felt like he was going to kill me either way, and at least it'd be harder if there was a locked door between us when I slept.

Have only read your OP. I think your DH was right. He knew your work had your emergency contact and they hadn’t called back so safe to presume you arrived. He was busy and forgot. You were busy and forgot to let him know you were ok. These things happen . Obviously there’s much more wrong in your relationship than this minor disagreement in reaction.

Some of these replies are so weird they must be trolls or they're people that are also pretty uncaring, so they are probably married to people who will one day have a 'this is over' moment. Calling OP mentally weak, high maintenance etc, so obviously over the top they're out into space.

I know OP it's obvious it was a final straw moment from your OP and that there's a back story. The whole point is that the event in itself isn't a big deal it just puts into sharp relief all the other, probably more serious issues, and shows a lack of basic care.

My one was when I was at a festival and I suggested it might be nice to go nearer the front to see the band better, and he walked off because I'd ruined it for him...

It would have been nice to text you but he forgot. I mean to do things then get sidetracked and forget. It’s being human.

I've noticed on MN there often seems to be some big rush to slate the OP no matter what the post is about. Some people just love to be unkind, unsympathetic or downright cruel.
The craven need for an argument rather than to feel some level of human empathy is sad.
If only all those rotten souls could group up together and leave the decent humans to it that would be great thanks

Foe me it was on our wedding anniversary. Our relationship had been rocky leading up to it, but a few days before I was hospitalised after an accident. I messaged him from my hospital bed on the morning acknowledging the day and wishing him a Happy Anniversary to which he did not reply. When he dutifully visited me later that day he came empty handed and still refused to acknowledge that it was our anniversary. That’s when I knew it was over.

@MadScottishBurd mine was similar to yours - it was around 10 years ago now so my memories of the exact words are hazy but very similar situation. i hadn't gone home at the normal time and he Just Didn't Care! Oh and plus he said that his Dad dying at 50 was a far worse experience than it would be if one of our children died (then all aged under 10) made me realise he would never care for me like I needed him to and that our attitudes to caring were polar opposites. He's happily remarried now so i'm clearly the one in the wrong as I'm single still. I don't wish him ill - he's a decent bloke we just weren't one anothers soul mate/BFF.