DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

[Crocodilefortheday]

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

Of course he doesn't get to make you change jobs. Or to instruct you.

Perhaps suggest he take a pay cut so he can be with baby more? See his reaction to that.

Just ignore him.

Why does he think he gets to give you 'instructions'?

Have you discussed a childcare plan?

Instructions?? Just turn it around and tell him it's time he changed his job to fit around the baby. See how he likes it when the shoe is on the other foot. Is he usually such a controlling twat?

"Instructions" 😂

Tell him the only thing you'll be instructing is a divorce lawyer.

I have suggested that and he point blank refused.

I’m going to guess this is because some aspect of you going back at this level will impact him. Either through expectations of time off when child is ill, housework or other. If he’s suddenly got a very important opinion about it you can sure as hell assume it’s for selfish reasons.

Yes, we’ve discussed childcare but he keeps on poking holes in anything I suggest.

No he’s not usually this controlling.

Do you think it’s because he wants you to take the motherload of childcare? Has he got an ulterior motive?

He's not suggesting it for the sake of you or the baby. It's occurred to him that once your mat leave is over, he'll be expected to do more with the baby and at home, and doesn't want to. Twat (him).

Well in that case if it's just a one off. Tell him to fuck off and be quiet and you're not changing jobs and you don't want to hear anymore about it. Ask him what days he's taking off to be with the baby if he keeps on.

This is perfect!

What do you think his angle is? Because the way you have written it makes him sound very illogical.

why does he think taking a backwards step professionally is going to give you more time?

what benefit is there to him if you earn less?

Pttssshhhh, if DH ever told me off for not doing as he "instructed" we would have serious issues.

IF he can point blank refuse, why can't you? Just keep replying "if you think it's such a good idea then you do it" and don't otherwise engage in more discussion on it.

You will though have an uphill battle going forward I expect. I reckon every time you now complain about carrying the load, beign stressed etc, he wil shove this in your face.

God I couldn’t deal with a man who behaved like that. He wants you to be the little woman in the junior job earning less and doing the wifey work

how nauseating. Close this conversation down immediately. And ensure he never ever speaks to you in this sexist small dick energy way again

His "instructions"?

That's a pretty terrifying word for him to use.

If you're anything like me, having a demanding job that uses another part of my brain is the only thing that keeps me sane the rest of the time. Taking a step down would depress me and it would impact everyone in the family negatively.

His "instructions" are a separate issue. What a twat!

If he thinks handling a demanding job as well as motherhood is going to be hard, then it’s fine to talk about how you are both going to manage once you go back to work. But until it happens you won’t know. I would say thank you for thinking about us but I will be returning to my job and if it doesn’t work, then we’ll discuss it again.

Are you going back full time? Is he backwardly suggesting you go back part time as he's worried about the full time cost of childcare? (So maybe suggesting stepping down a level as your current role isn't perceived as compatible with PT working?)

Or is he just being a twat?

How about he takes a step down to better facilitate your career alongside motherhood?

I bet he’s less keen on that.

What he’s saying is he wants you to have a less important job so that he can leave all the parenthood stuff to you and not have it affect his career. He can justify his job being more important so you’ll have to take the day off with a sick child.

I suspect this is entirely because he sees anything to do with the baby as 'women's work' and he doesn't want to be impacted in any way. Drives me absolutely insane.

He can take a step down/back then can't he?!

This definitely needs to be nipped in the bud. I'd be concerned that he sees an opportunity to become controlling, as it can happen when women have children. A little bit more benign but still completely unacceptable is the possibility that he just doesn't want to share the mental and work load of having children. However, your job is as important as his and don't back down. It's a hill to die on as it's your financial and personal security at stake here.

You will only resent him and possibly your baby if you take a backwards step in your career. Its unnecessary. What difference does your job title have if your hours are the same.
This isn't the 50s or 60s when all women became housewives and bowed down to their men and completed all daily chores and looked after the children.
Tell him that you will not be adapting your career to suit him. When baby is in school you'll have taken a backwards step and you may not be able to get the job back. It's ridiculous to even consider this.