DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

[Crocodilefortheday]

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

If you’re in a lower paying job with less responsibility, he thinks you’ll be able to take time off more easily when the baby is ill or childcare falls through.

I’ll bet a pound to a penny that’s it. He’s positioning himself as the one with the important job that couldn’t possibly be disrupted for the child.

Br strong and very careful just now, OP. Do not give up that job for anything. I suspect there’s worse to come.

Yes. The benefit is that the narrative is that she’s taken a step back in her career to be a mum, so it’s all her responsibility. He’ll just turn up and do the fun bits when it suits him.

That’s why it makes no difference that the hours are the same. Even the pay cut is useful to this (well it would cost us more for me to take unpaid leave…).

Do have come from the same cultural background op? ‘Instructions’ is an incredibly unusual word to use like that.

Like a large % of men , he sees like as his subordinate. I suggest marriage counselling

It's your life and your career. He doesn't get to dictate or give instructions. He should be supporting you to reach your goals. Why does childcare fall to you? He is coming up with problems and not solutions. He doesn't seem to think he is responsible for care. Afterall he isn't prepared to make the changes he is suggesting you make. You do you OP. Also think twice about growing you family. I don't want you to get stiffed once the cost of childcare outweighs your earnings.

Yeah and if she dares complain it "proves" him right, he told her to cut back on work to make it easier on herself and she wouldn't listen.

Err well no he doesn’t get to dictate. However if you’re talking about a head of dept job in a secondary school and it’s a core subject, you’re going to find that very tough unless you’ve got lots of family support. He may have a small point. What’s your plan for childcare?

Why's this any more acceptable? Childcare costs should be shared, not just fall on one person. And anyway, if he's worried about extra costs, maternity leave isn't the time to raise this as an issue. If it hasn't been discussed before, any reasonable person would have said, we need to talk about the best way to manage childcare going forward. They certainly wouldn't be issuing orders instructions.

Ooh, somebody thought he'd be the big man when he'd got you barefoot and pregnant. He's upset that you're still going to have a successful career and have your own earnings. Does he earn less than you by any chance?

Why's it her plan and not their plan though? It just goes to show that women are automatically still seen as the default parent who just has to sort this stuff out.

The fact that he is saying this is exactly why should go back to your old job and try to get promotion. You'll need a good job when you realise that he expects you to do all the wife work/childcare etc and you realise you've had enough. It will be a relief that you are nit reliant on him and trapped, you will be in a great position to setup on your own.

@Stunningscreamer I wasn't saying it's acceptable, just trying to unpick what possible reason for his ilogical sounding "instruction".

Someone who thinks you should 'obey his instructions' and uses grumpiness(emotional manipulation)to try and achieve this is really sinister OP - this rings massive alarm bells and I'd be very worried.

The time to state that he wanted an old fashioned set up with the woman responsible for home and child (while still bloody working apparently) and him only having to work, was before you discussed children.

Like you say a lower paid lower stress job will still keep you out of the house the same time and will probably have less flexibility anyway.

I'd stick to your guns about working and go ahead and organise whatever childcare suit you best (making sure costs come from the joint account) as it sounds like all pick ups drop offs and sick days and organisation will be on you.

Unfortunately if he carried on with his sexist shite you might need a decent job one day if you leave him.

If I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe OP gets really wrapped up/ stressed with work and he is concerned she might feel torn between work and being a mum. That's not an uncommon feeling for many mums/ parents, and maybe as her partner and someone who knows her well he is concerned about how she will manage. However it doesn't justify him instructing her to do anything.

However I am not sure that OP has said aynthing to suggest this comes from a place of concern so....

Be very careful OP, my ex did roughly the same. He had a weird idea that now he had 'given me a baby' I should be part time, do all the house work, have his meal on the table at 6, all under the label of 'spending more time with the baby'.

He morphed from a completely normal person into 1950s man and was furious when I went back to work and we split childcare. No mention of this before ds was born. It didn't end well.

He does not get to instruct anything, remind him of that.

@Stunningscreamer I said ‘your’ as in both? They both need a plan for childcare if they’re both going to work full time.

I'd say that now, more than ever, you need your career. Just in case he fails to step up to the plate and share family responsibilities. He has himself to blame as he has given you a warning shot that he may not be the kind of man you wish to stay married to.

No one, man or woman, gets to dictate so on that level he needs to pipe down.
That said, what are the backgrounds of your jobs, Do you travel a lot? Does he travel a lot? Is there a requirement for you to put more hours in than him or visa versa?

Ultimately it needs to be a discussion on what you will both do when you return from Mat leave but if his stance is 'you will take a demotion', as in dictating this to you, without entertaining the idea of making equal adjustments to both your lives then in your shoes I would begin to question things.

Does he actually describe them as “instructions”? I really hope not. Otherwise he is in the running for cockwombles of the week award.

I would imagine this is consciously or subconsciously about wanting to be the one with the most important and well paid career. Meaning you are primary parent when it comes to having to take time off work for child sickness, leave work on time etc. absolutely do not give in on this and make very clear that he is going to be an equal parent in terms of arrangements.

Oh and don’t agree that he will do nursery drop offs/nanny handovers and you will start early and do all pick ups. Make him share otherwise he can swan back in whenever he chooses whereas you get the <eye rolls> for dashing out the door at 5 nightly even if you’ve been hard at it since early, and the career penalties that come with that. I’ve seen so many women stifle their careers doing this. MAKE HIM SHARE.

Why doesn’t he step down the ? Or do you have a much better job than him and he feels invalidated, could he be using the baby as an excuse as he doesn’t like you being more successful?

*then

He needs to be "instructed" to get in the fucking sea.

Are you already pregnant?! Because 🚩 🚩 this is not going to get better.

I wouldn’t change your job, maybe consider changing the husband though. What a knob.