DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

[Crocodilefortheday]

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

Generally yes you need to be pregnant or have had a baby to be on mat leave

Speaking as a man, he's being a horrible wanker. I agree that it's because he expects you to do all the child care and to take time off, when the baby is ill. He needs to adjust his bloody attitude!

He has no right to instruct you to do anything. Marriage is teamwork and he's not the coach!

If he considers it so important that the baby has a parent with more time to spend at home, perhaps he would like to be the one who steps back into a less senior role?

Ooh, how dare he!! Just reading that made me so cross on behalf!

I hope he's not normally like that OP.

Did he actually use the word 'instructions'? My husband would ask me to follow his instructions once and he wouldn't have the opportunity to ask again.

He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions”
😂😂😂😂😂
You need the MN posse to rock up at your house to point & laugh at him OP.

Worrying as that "instructions" snippet is, can I suggest that for now, you laugh full in his face? Seriously: the last thing you need to do is give his batshittery any credibility by engaging in it, even to refute his arguments. However - I'd also urge you to get this out in the open. Tell all your friends & family how ridiculous he's being, tell his family if they are the sort who will hear you.

You need to see everybody else's pitying, incredulous expressions. And NOT to have this as some shameful secret, behind closed doors where he can get into your head.

However, I suspect this is a struggle that is never going to end.
You mentioned that he's never been controlling before. But abuse ramps up with significant life events - cohabitation, marriage, pregnancy - & you are now seeing some rampant sexism & control that he's managed to conceal from you up until now. You may need to be prepared to fight this all the way to divorce. Sorry to be so grim, but - his demands are outrageous.

Protect yourself. You can have your career AND your baby, but you may not want to continue coping with a husband who is trying to wreck your career for his own selfish reasons. Be prepared for him to continually undermine you by not stepping up for the baby or for housework, as he clearly feels this should be YOUR job, & will be looking to sabotage you for disobedience to his "instructions".

If he actually used the word "instructions" then honestly, I think this relationship is doomed. It might limp on for another few years, you might even have another child together but basically, what he's let slip is that he intrinsically thinks that he is "in charge". That his opinions, desires, needs are more important than yours and that your job is to facilitate those opinions, desires and needs. He believes childcare is a woman's responsibility (unless you've specifically talked about how to manage when baby is sick, I'll put money on the fact that he hasn't even thought about THAT. What he's thinking about is drop off/pick up, cleaning and housework etc).

So the question is whether you keep your job and your independence and your earning potential so that when you have that final "ah ha" moment you can walk away more easily, or whether you give in to his demands, potentially meaning it will be harder and slower for you to become independent down the line.

He must be bloody joking!

If he is that concerned then maybe he can take a new job thst pays less money and carries less responsibility. He's a parent too!

"instructions"... Twat.

I'd be keeping an eye out for more of the same, it's not unusual for controlling behaviour to start during pregnancy or early days of having a baby.

Did he actually use the word 'instructions?' Bloody hell!

Tell him the 1950's called, they want him & his outdated views back...

Can he compensate you from his pay? Unlikely though.

This is my experience:

Before DC: of course we are equal, once we have DC of course I will pick up the slack on childcare. I will be able to sort out work so I can do drop off/pick up a couple of times per week.

Have DC and go on Mat leave: DH's life actually becomes easier - wife at home doing all the grunt work, food in the cupboards, clean clothes in the wardrobe, meals cooked. Starts making noises about me going PT....

DC and back to work: stupidly I went PT. Can count on one hand number of nursery drop off and collections done by DH. All sick days, early closures sorted out by me because I now have the "less important" job. DH is dead against childcare and any increase to my hours has been "but what about the children?" When he still offers no help Mon - Fri.

my DC are at school now and it is so hard to push back from the status quo. I have managed to change jobs but it is incredibly difficult to do when you are PT (in my industry at least). If I need to work different days/ more hours I am made to feel guilty for "dumping" the DC at breakfast/ late class - but he never offers any other solutions.

I will never be promoted etc because I just can't put the hours in and have to miss meetings etc - his career has flourished.

I am happy that my DC have been able to be at home more but it has been at a cost to my career (and my happiness). I am resentful that DH's life (midweek at least) has remained the same but I am always having to rush around to get to/ from school.

In my opinion mat leave completely changed the dynamic of our relationship. I wish I had nipped it in the bud.

Sometimes there is actually more flexibility and autonomy with the more senior role strangely.

He is making himself sound like a 1950s husband. And it's so bizarre its almost funny. However, I sense a dangerous undercurrent here that every time you need to switch things up or have a mega week where he needs to do a bit more heavy lifting-he's just going to shrug and eyeball you and say 'I told you you should have stepped down'. That is my prediction unfortunately. He's setting something up here based on his own motivation or worldview and I am not sure what it is yet but I don't like it one bit!

TooManyPlatesInMotion · Today 10:08

He's a parent too!

Just entirely!

OP, please be careful - lots of relationship dynamics change after kids and he wants to financially benefit from your unpaid labour! Please keep your position and tell him if he doesn’t like it he can change his role. Also I really recommend childminders over nursery for childcare. I’ve 2 kids and did nursery first time - with second I switched to childminder and it’s amazing! She is flexible, obviously I can’t switch core days but I can add more on if I need, if I’m late back she will keep them for me, she also follows all the guidelines and does loads of activities like play groups. So I don’t feel little one is missing out on anything at all.

You don't need to bother to try and explain anything to him. You just say no.

I'm concerned that you don't have a childcare plan in place though - given what you've posted about him and his 'instructions', you really need a plan that will allow you to go back to work as you wish.

And don't fall into the trap of thinking that your salary has to be the one that pays for the childcare. It's a joint responsibility.

Quite frankly, I'd also be raising the stakes here, by telling him that you think it's time for some relationship counselling. Possibly even hint at separation/divorce. He needs to understand that you won't accept this proposed shift in the balance of power in your relationship. And what the consequences might be for him.

So tell him to STFU about it then.

Look him in the eye and say you’d like to discuss his instructions. Pause. Then emit a non-stop witchy cackle and do not relent for six to seven hours. Follow him round the house. Mix it up with some hoohoohoo and hahahahaha and aaaiiieeee. Every time he tries to clarify his instructions emit a fresh gale of laughter. Then carry on with your work and childcare plans and quietly go about consulting a divorce lawyer.

So he wants you to do the childcare so he doesn't have parent guilt for working!

But that's the thing, I'm not picking on you at all, honestly, it's just that why try and understand why he's thinking that way? (It sounds perilously close to trying to excuse it). He's not trying to empathise with the OP, just get his own needs met. It's not up to the OP to try and get into his head. He needs to be clear why he's saying it if there is any rationale, which I doubt, and he certainly doesn't need us to make excuses for him. There'll be someone coming here in a minute asking if he's got ASD 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Stop trying to negotiate. Tell him your staying in your job so he needs to come up with a solution since none of your suggested childcare options suit him

Okay it wasn't very clear as you were referring to the OP, using you and you're, and didn't say you both when it came to talking about the plan.

"instructions" indeed?

I think in 31 years of being together DH has only ever given me instructions when I have had to ring him up as I have locked the microwave or can't get the Hive app to work.😁

Tell him to take a less senior role and see how he likes it OP.