DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

[Crocodilefortheday]

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

Just on another point, if you did (you won't, of course) do what he's suggesting, what was his financial plan for you? Was he going to continue topping up your pension and ensuring that you both continue to have equal access to money?

I think @Crocodilefortheday there are two very telling (and chilling) things in this thread.

• how many people are telling you the same thing - that your husband is being totally unreasonable as well as unnecessarily controlling (and potentially abusive)

• how many people here are telling you about their situation with their now ex-husband

He's already started pushing you into the subservient role, which in turn will make your job untenable if he continues to take the role he sees for himself.

How on earth could you have a senior role in the travel industry without being expected (or even wanting) to travel? You can't do your job unless you have good childcare - and good childcare includes 100% support from your husband.

For day to day childcare while I’m at work I have a childminder lined up but once again DH is poking holes in this plan as well.
"Looks like it's probably easier if you sort out the childminder, then. Make sure that's all sorted by June 1st so there's no risk of you having to take time off work."

I think we can pretty much guarantee that he's going to make your life hell.

At least you have the knowledge now that he's a prick, and will escalate his bahaviour once it becomes clear that you aren't going to do as he tells you.

Whatever you do OP please please please don't give up on this. His aim is to get you in a position where you can't rely on yourself, and end up being forced to follow further instructions in the future because you'll have lost financial power and won't be able to fight him.

He wants to control you, please don't let that happen. He thinks eventually you'll capitulate.

My advice to you is to return to work, to seek advancement, and work towards being in a position where his demands have no effect as you have everything sorted. When you have to work away have your daughter stay with a friend, or engage a nanny, as you've suggested. But he won't make that easy. Be prepared for him to put a spanner in the works an hour before you have to go away. In his mind it'll force you to not go. Just make sure you always have a back up plan in place so that this doesn't affect you.

You're right to reevaluate the relationship. If he's going to continue in this vein you may as well be doing it yourself without him trying to dictate your life.

He's jealous, he wants to be top dog with the top job and he can't cope with you being more senior than him.
I've been there, partner threatened to leave me if I didn't step down from my big job, he said it was too stressful for him.
I was a bit taken aback but then I realised it was a great opportunity and I had to seize it......i said that sounds like a good idea, put the family home on the market and we now live separately with separate finances, prior to that I was paying for everything and he didn't have to work very much.
My life is soooo much easier, I'm so much more relaxed 😁
I don't have that big mortgage to pay, only my own bills to worry about, only my own house work to do.
He has to work a lot harder to make ends meet and he has to do his own cooking and cleaning (yes stupid me I was earning all the money and doing the housework 😖)..... but it's what he wanted 🤷
For a while he used to hint that I might like to pay his bills for him 🤣
Then again I suppose I can't blame him for trying because I was pretty stupid and I did before 😳

@Crocodilefortheday “I do keep asking but he just won’t answer. He’s told me he’ll let me know tomorrow about if he’s going to be stepping down instead of me. He organised point blank refused it when I asked him yesterday (after he asked me) but now he’s saying he’ll “consider it but no promises”. I don’t think he will actually step down though, I think he’s trying to make me angry, then he can try and claim I’m “stressed” and then try and use that as another reason to get me to step down.”

does he use silent treatment at all?

either way, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re doing so well and I think CAN see the wood from the trees, not that it makes any of this any easier.

I know this will be unsettling and scary for you, but whatever happens will happen and you will cope. You really will.

what was his upbringing like? Do you get on with his parents?

He can put that idea where the sun doesn’t shine if you’re not interested. He certainly can’t instruct.
Whatever happens line up your ducks in case you leave him any time in the next couple of years.
Make sure you have a decent wedge of savings kept by someone else so he can’t claim half in divorce. Make sure child benefit is in your name even if you claim it and pay it back if over income threshold.
I’m guessing you do all the medical appts etc already.
This may seem like an old fashioned innocuous thing but men like this can turn nasty, and physical over time if you don’t submit to their will.

Best reply!

did he want cheildren op-was this even discussed before the baby arrived

i just dont gegt men carrying on like nothing has changed and expecting the woman to pick up the slack

Your husband is a manager in a factory? Guessing it's a male-dominated work site and he's inhaling some serious misogynistic bollocks about 'men's roles' and 'women's roles.

You need to make it clear you're not having any of it and he will pull his weight, without you nagging him like you're having to do now, or he can get to fuck. You're also not demoting yourself so he can use that as an excuse to try to get you to do more than your fair share at home and with your child.

Your husband is being completely unreasonable. I was in a similar position with my husband after having my second and he was all for me leaving my work and staying at home with the baby. I did end up going back full time because it was what I wanted to do. Stick to your guns. I am in a senior job as well and as you say even dropping lower you would still do the same hours and still have childcare to organise anyway. My husband after some time adjusting is onboard now and we take it turn about if the kids are unwell and we have to deal with emergency childcare so it is now a 50:50 partnership. Don’t let him stop you going back if it’s what you want. Us mamas are allowed to have a career as well as being mummy.

How old is baby now? And how long have you got left of mat leave?

This sounds similar to conversations with my DH whilst I was on leave. At the time I thought he was being unreasonable but after speaking to a close mutual friend of ours, it turned out he was actually worried about me as I had struggled with post natal depression and he was worried about me juggling work stress and home stress, he just hadn’t communicated it well with me at all - admittedly my hormones etc might have had something to do with that.

I told him that I would see how things went and that stepping down could be an option later on if things became too much (I never really meant it but seemed to placate things) After about 6 months of returning to work he could see things were fine and working out and he didn’t bring it up again. Couple of years on I’ve even had another promotion

Seriously? More pay is good to afford better childcare.

Doesn’t bode well though. I managed my job when kids were small as DH say them as equally his responsibity so we took it in turns to get home early as the nanny left at 6:30pm - and so one of us would bath them.

I’d suggest some therapy.

Wow, just wow. This is insanely controlling.

How old is your DC out of interest? Have you taken the full year or is there a nice opportunity for your DH to do a few months (if he is notionally concerned about putting a small baby in childcare..... ) and get his hands dirty.

I think he is making his future plans very clear to you that irrespective of the seniority of your job it will all be on you and he will make your life hell/as awkward as hell at every opportunity. Might be worth pointing out that having your DC one week on, one week off basis will disrupt his life a lot more...

I travelled for work and had to travel long haul for a week immediately on my return from mat leave. DD1 was 8 months. DH just got on with it. Hell of a learning curve but he was far more confident when I returned. I had a week away every month for two years. He was on the receiving end of horribly sexist comments at work but he never stopped supporting me and my career. Still does.

When your partner shows you who he is, believe him.

It sounds very much like there's something going on in his head that he's not coming out and saying. You're going to have to encourage him to use his words if you want to get to the bottom of it (yes you'll be using that phrase a lot with your toddler). Leaving aside all the other comments which are fair and funny I think he's struggling to articulate. Is he worried you'll get stressed? Is he worried you won't cope? Has he secretly had the notion you'd be a stay at home mum? I'm not saying any of that is reasonable but maybe you need to hear him out before you tell him to shut the fuck up. If he won't make a childcare plan then do it yourself. Find a nursery place now as good ones have waiting lists.

Perfect

Find a nursery place now as good ones have waiting lists.

@Crocodilefortheday I don't think a nursery is going to work for you with your job. I think only a nanny is going to work for you, to allow you to travel, and to cover you for the times when your 'D'H isn't going to be there to drop off/pick up.

I don't know of any therapy that cures raving misogyny.

Nursery + babysitter for when husband not around probably cheaper, flexible, more do-able. Often there’s a nursery worker who will babysit after work if you ask around.
Nannys can be difficult to get and retain and you have all the being an employer excess stress as well as it being really expensive.

... but I don't think that's going to be as consistently reliable as a nanny.

Granted you become an employer, but the reassurance that they will be there, in your own house, is immense and incredibly valuable. Let's face it, this husband isn't going to be predictable is he? He's going to let the OP down at the drop of a hat when it suits him.

You can lessen the cost of a nanny by finding a nanny share, which is what we did when we could afford one to ourselves, initially.

I see colleagues with so many problems with nannies and having to pay them sick leave and when you go on holiday etc. There seems to be a few that start, go off sick or their own children are sick, exhaust sick leave then move on.
is quite a risk to take when you’re mostly normal hours and a nursery can do the job more reliably with one or two regularly babysitters for heheh neither parent able to have the child.

if you have more than one child it can be cheaper or if you share, but for most people it would eat up a lot of salary. Especially when the child’s parents can actually do a lot of the childcare.

But @Crocodilefortheday doesn't necessarily work 'normal hours' @Yb23487643! And with a husband who sounds as unreliable as it seem he will be, nursery/childminder options are necessarily going to work for her.

We had two nannies, over a 14 year period, and we had none of the issues you describe - nor did any of my friends who had nannies!

Oh dear, excuse poor typing there ...

'as it seems he will be'
and
'nursery/childminder options are not necessarily going to work for her'

Is very common amongst my colleagues with wildly out of hours work. Have managed it very well and much more cheaply than a nanny with normal nursery/childminder hours and babysitters who’ve been local to us, a couple from the nursery and another neighbour who was training in childcare.
All without the vulnerability that comes with being reliant on a Nanny and no nightmares with employers tax & NI etc.
Each to their own, and Im glad you’ve not had issues but personally I have a job where it’s very difficult to miss work if the Nanny is ill for instance and with so many horror stories I couldn’t risk that. And I like my holidays! Would’ve had far fewer and had less disposable income if paying for a Nanny.
Most people aren’t in a position financially to afford a Nanny so just letting the majority know that there are affordable and completely workable (& normal!) alternatives :-)
You don’t actually, as a woman, have to spend most of or more than your own salary on a Nanny to return to work after a baby 😂😂

Forgot to mention maternity leave if your Nanny becomes pregnant too. Just need a back up and the Dad needs to accept responsibility for childcare as well.
There’s going to be times where the child is ill and only the Mum or Dad or other family member will do.
Just if you are essential, like my surgeon colleagues for instance, you need a back up if your Nanny is suddenly taken ill, whereas 1 x nursery staff member taken ill wouldn’t have that impact. You’d still be able to work.