DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

[Crocodilefortheday]

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

They do sometimes wait until you're pregnant or have a child. It's very common.

"Instructions", who does the twat think he is? A good rule is never to compromise financial independence for a man who gets shitty if you don't.

On what grounds does he get to refuse this request point blank?

Sounds like you’re married to an arsehole. Is divorce an option?

I think you need to tell him it’s not up for discussion and if he raises it again just leave the room until he gets the message. Do not make yourself less for him. Ever.

Then tell him if he won't take a pay cut, neither will you. You both do it, or neither. He sounds like a revolting sexist misogynist chauvinist pig. I'd say to him you are an equal in this marriage, and "don't ever dare talk to me about 'instructions' again, I am your equal, not your lesser. If you ever talk about 'instructions' to me again, the only person I'll be taking instructions from is a divorce lawyer". And say it in a firm, assertive manner so he knows you're fucking serious, and won't take any of his controlling, misogynist bullshit!

This! I would honestly be more ticked off by disrespectful way he's talking to me (instructions) than his idea to begin with. Ok so he had a bad idea, didn't think it through, thought outloud - you shot it down, no harm done. But his reaction to your refusal to effectively demote yourself is a whole issue on its own.

Why hasn't he considered taking a less senior job..

You need to keep your job, because now this (DH being unacceptably controlling) has started it will end in divorce and you need to be able to look after yourself and your child. Seriously, do not give an inch on this or it will be game over and you'll be in family court trying to manage on less money.

Is he afraid of you taking the next step up before he does? Is he thinking that if he takes time off for children's sickness it won't be forgiven but if you do it will? (I know that's not what will happen, just wondering if he's paranoid.)

This and this:
When baby is in school you'll have taken a backwards step and you may not be able to get the job back.
Having a demanding job that uses another part of my brain is the only thing that keeps me sane the rest of the time.

It is 100 times easier to keep a job you already have than to attempt to find a new job after letting go of your career. Also, if you have another baby, watch out for the second maternity leave redundancy trap - so many women are made redundant if they don't return to work after 6 months. (Not allowed, but happens all the time.)

So you blank refuse then....

No he’s not usually "This controlling"
*
So how controlling is he?
He sounds like a complete ahole!
Who the hell does he think he is giving you "instructions" for anything?

I am actually getting high blood pressure reading this thread.
It's 2023.
He gives you, his ambitious wife, career instructions to step back, be a mother and know your place.
If you do take this, it is the thin end of the wedge and you are doomed. Mark my words - and the words of everyone else on this thread.

If you take a step back/cut your hours, your workload will ultimately increase not decrease. And not just in the short-term but for years to come.

You will be responsible for all nursery drop-offs/pick ups. This will evolve into being responsible for all school drop-offs/pick ups. Your husband might "help" you as a favour sometimes, but only if you present him with a fully ready, dressed and breakfasted child that literally needs to be handed over like a parcel.

You will be responsible for all nursery and school organisation and admin - packing nursery and school bags, making packed lunches, liaising with nursery and school, following up on any concerns, parents' workshops and evenings.

You will be expected to cover all sick days, unexpected nursery closures, staff inset days etc. You will be responsible for organising school wraparound care.

The housework and mental load will be mostly yours since, after all, you have days "off" with your little one to sort all this stuff out. Never mind that you worked until 11pm the night before to meet a deadline or that you've spent the day running around after an active toddler.

Your husband will assume that his relaxation takes priority on weekends since you work 'less' than he does.

He wants you to take a step back to make his life easier, not yours. The wisest thing you can do now is fight for an equal allocation of work, childcare and household chores.

I am speaking from experience. I am clawing my way back slowly from having fallen into this pattern.

I did it, when my DH told me to. I worked the jobs he approved of, that worked for him. (Ie nights and later school hours as well)
i don’t regret spending the extra time with my babies, but I do regret not building a lucrative career for myself, as my now ex did.
A baby should be a 50/50 commitment by both parents, including time off during school holidays and child’s sickness.

You point blank refuse then.

Do you earn more than he does, by any chance? Is he envious of your success.

Honestly, I am not giving to dishing out LTBs but this would be a dealbreaker for me, that he can even think it's appropriate for him to suggest such a think. What a prize twat.

So is the baby purely going to be your responsibility then..? I would worry about this.

my first question is
what is your dh doing to reduce his hours at work to spend more time with the baby/ his child?

Intructions? youre not a washing machine

id laugh if someone said that to me-then leave

This is the most misogynistic thing I've seen in a while.

Tell him to drop down. Why do you have to?

He's a parent aswell.

No he’s not usually this controlling.

does he always behave like a male chauvinist?

This is clearly him seeing you as a woman who needs to be home more with your baby and men working being the head of the household.

Why doesn't he demote himself instead?

I fail to see how this would benefit anyone? I thought you were going to say the complete opposite and he wanted you to step up to make up for the earnings lost during mat leave (still not on but would make more sense). What he's asking you to do makes no sense at all, unless YOU decided the job was too much. Tell him to get lost.

Now that he has accorded you the privilege of receiving his sperm and pushing his baby out of your vagina, your plans, wishes and thoughts are of no importance.

My very laid back DH once wanted me to do something (or stop doing something, I can’t remember which). I ignored him, he kept saying it, became exasperated and said sharply “kissed, I order you to…”. I burst out laughing, the DC burst out laughing, he started to laugh but tried to stay cross and it’s now a family legend. We use the phrase now when we’re making a request we know to be very cheeky and have no hope of acquiescence from the other party 🤣. I suggest the OP takes the same approach.

Is that because he will have to make changes to his lifestyle per chance?