DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

[Crocodilefortheday]

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

Jeeez! I’d have had his balls in a blender by now. I can only reiterate what others have said. Tell him you are not taking a backwards career step and you are not prepared to discuss this further.

Don't do it. Every time your baby will be sick and need to miss nursery he will say that he earns more so his job is more important and you need to take the time off.

How was this not discussed before trying for a baby?

I can never understand how something so huge as a change in your career could 'come up' in conversation so far down the line.

Oh and tell him to shove his ideas up his arse. Of course you should protect your own career.

Every time your baby will be sick and need to miss nursery he will say that he earns more so his job is more important and you need to take the time off.
... yep ...

Your husband's 'instructions' sound like my ex husbands 'abiding by his wishes'.
Note the use of the word 'ex' in that sentence.

That's exactly it.
OP do not step down. I repeat DONT. He can if he wish.
Why is always women taking a step down and not men? Let him know the child is also his. He needs to "lean in" and share his responsibilities at home.
Also recommend reading Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg.

Please don't sacrifice all you've worked for so far, unless you want the change.
I went back to work at 4 months, my baby went to nursery full time. Whatever you choose will be hard, but the (relative) sanity of work, talking to (mainly!) adults meant I enjoyed the baby time much more than if I'd been there for every feed and nappy. My child is a happy confident child, is great at playing with anyone and eating almost anything. Nursery time provided so much more than I could have, on many levels.
Please don't feel guilty if you enjoy your job, it doesn't mean you love child any less. I have certainly been a happier, more fulfilled mother then if I'd stepped back

Oh dear.

Has he just realised that he might have to do nursery drop offs/pickups.

And even worse-be responsible for his own child-alone?????

😂😂😂

I have suggested that and he point blank refused.

Tell him off for not obeying your "instructions". FFS.

Do you have a more senior role than him ?

Is there even a vacancy at a lower level that will be open that you would be appointed to? I mean, I know it's irrelevant because you're not going to apply, but I wonder whether his plans would be possible even if you wanted to go along with them.

Ridiculous-would he take a step back to ?!
why should you sacrifice your career, you’re equally parents.

Well if he gets to refuse, so do you.

Jesus - nip this in the bud !

The best plan would be for you BOTH to step back a bit from work, and start putting in 75% at work. Long term this means that as a family to have a more money than one earning at 0% and one at 100% due to tax reasons. If you both do four days a week then baby is only in childcare for three days.

When they get to school then if you both do drop off / pick up then you are both involved in school life and the child see that education is important to both of you.

Plus more work opportunities for both of you, plus both spend more time with the baby.

It's really hard for a couple of years but then gets easier. It's not forever.

His fucking "instructions"!!!

Fuck that, I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship

I'm guessing DH has a "big job" and many of his colleagues have wives / partners who are SAHM or work part time. And so, because their wives / partners do the bulk of child care / housework, OP's DH assumes that OP should do the same

For me, this is a huge problem with the whole "big job" / SAHM model. On an individual level, maybe it's OK for those individual families if both parties are happy with it. But it's bad for equality for the rest of us, as it encourages a certain type of man to believe that anyone who leaves work at 5pm to collect their child from nursery isn't committed to their career

What in the actual fuck. Who the hell does he think he is.

I’m worried he will grind you down to
his way of thinking OP, and by blackmailing you by refusing to do this share of childcare.

Please tell us you see through him?

Of course not. If he feels that someone needs to drop a day at work to spend more time with the baby, he can do it.

This is clearly just that he wants to be able to dump most of the childcare on you.

Yeah this. Its not for your or your child's benefit.
He wants to say "well I work more!" "My jobs harder" when you ask him why he can't clean up after himself, cook dinner, look after his child. He wants you to be working less so you do all the homecare and childcare. If you work as much as him then he'll have to pull his weight and he doesn't want to.

And fuck me "you're not listening to my instructions"??? Does he think knocking you up makes him the head of the household? You don't take instructions from him.

Is someone telling him you need to be home with baby? PIL? Colleagues?

Is he remembering his childhood and was his DM a SAHM, or did he go to nursery and not like it?

I suggest you stop making suggestions and give him instructions instead.

I genuinely think I would have laughed out loud if DH ever suggested that I 'step down' from my role (also managing a dpt when DD was born) and got into a huff because I'm not 'following his instructions'. And when I'd finish laughing, I'd be pointing him to the door.

Sounds a lot like my ex husband's "always making an argument" too 🖕