DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

[Crocodilefortheday]

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

Look him right in the eye and tell him to get a less responsible job or go part time so he can spend more time with the baby now you have done your part with mat-leave.

Don't change your job. You have more security if you stay put, and babies grow and then you are stuck on the mommy track.

Tbf, after a baby IS one of the times controlling arseholes make an appearance

he thinks you’re trapped. He thinks you’re going to do whatever he says.

tell him to ftfo with his instructions and you won’t be sacrificing your career for him or anyone else unless YOU decide to. He doesn’t INSTRUCT you on anything and whatever BS in his head has lead to this, he can undo now because you’re NOT listening to it.

Where is this coming from? Does he not want to do any childcare for his own baby, or does he not want to pay for childcare? You need to sit down and talk to him (if you can keep your temper), find out why he's saying these things.

What are his plans for childcare, if he's criticising all your suggestions? Didn't you talk about this before you got pregnant?

(Of course he's not allowed to tell you what to do. He's not your boss. You should be able to discuss things and he should be listening to you. Good luck.)

WTAF?? Why does he think he gets to issue you with instructions?

This is a big red flag. Keep your job.

I’m sorry OP that he’s behaving in this way. He should be able to give you an account of his reasons and why - since he thinks baby needs more parent time - you should do it but not him.

It's extraordinary how many of them change for the worse once a baby comes along.

Arrogance appears, entitlement raises it ugly head, and sometimes domestic violence or mental abuse begins when there was never a hint of it before.

What an absolute mysoginistic arsehole. Of course you should keep your job!
has he perhaps entertained the idea that you don’t WANT ‘more time with your baby’. Plenty of women don’t, they want to work and have family time afterwards.

Yes this. My ex tried to get me to go part time and back to basic grade nurse (I was a ward sister) so I'd have more time to manage the home I.e do the cleaning and cooking for him. He was my ex pretty soon after.

he’s not usually this controlling
This is presumably your first child together? That's often when it starts.
Keep your job, you'll need the money.
Watch out for him scuppering the childcare plans you make. Consider whether your plans may work better without someone undermining you.

At this stage I'd be giving him the benefit of the doubt but spelling out clearly his actions are not appropriate.

So, a reminder that this is our child and it's our responsibility to raise her/him. No matter what people are telling him, or he's seen in other couples, or what his parents did, this is our baby and we both work. This means we both pay for childcare, we both take time off when they are sick and we both do housework. He doesn't get to skip any of this because of his career and neither do you.

If that doesn't work then it's a lot more serious.

Instructions? Wondering if English isn't his first language, because that would be the only reason using that word might be ok.

You might decide to keep the role, but see if it's possible to reduce your hours slightly, if you want to. if they're flexible you could finish 2 hours earlier and cover 2 hours in the evening while your dh looks after baby. Lots of options. If you don't need to make a decision now just say you'll see nearer the time.
Thats what i would do.

My job is way more flexible at a senior level than it ever was in similar teams but at a lower level. Managing my team's outputs is easier than fulfilling my own, both in terms of working hours and workload (unless someone is sick but I can handle that). So I think you should stick with what you do now! Plus if you go on mat leave again you will want your mat pay to reflect a more senior rate surely...

You know the minute he has to take a day off to tend to a sickly baby, or the first time you feel stressed (totally normal) he's going to say it's all your own fault for being so senior, yeah?

As well as telling him to STFU I would remind him that the more senior you are, actually usually the more flexibility you have. You don't have a manager breathing down your neck counting completed tasks, you have people to delegate to and just a bit more freedom.

I'm shocked anyone has voted YABU, though it only 1%
Since when was he your boss giving you instructions? Bah

Can managers be part time? Yes my manager is. But that doesn't seem to be the point. Me and DH both cut hours when we had DD (nobody changed to a job that pays less). Does he think his job is more important than yours?
I think you need to explain how utterly misogynistic he's being here

Parenting is for both parents not just for mothers!

Op @Crocodilefortheday are you a secondary school head of dept? Do you moan about the job? Could it be that he’s seeing how many hours you put in above and beyond and thinks it’ll be better if you take a step down.
if he used the word ‘instructions’ that’s a bit worrying and you have a dh problem but you may also be underestimating how different things will be when the baby arrives. Are you putting him/ her in a nursery?Childminder? Grandparents

He can poke holes all he likes response is the same it's my career and my choice you can reduce your hours if you wish to undertake childcare but otherwise its 50/50 parenting including sick days.

I would have gone ape at him saying your not listening to his instructions!!! He does not get to dictate this at all you have a discussion and formulate a plan which works for both of you not 1 dictating the other!

Ask him why he presumes childcare falls to you!

Who issues their partner “instructions”, particularly about what job they can have???? I could understand suggesting it if you worked long hours and a step down would reduce the hours and improve your family time, but if it’s the same hours it surely makes no difference?

Absolutely, ask him how he feels to step down. If you choose to mirror his language, you could frame it as " oh what the word I'm looking for, on yes, you said instructions. That's right, my instructions...,"

My job is way more flexible at a senior level than it ever was in similar teams but at a lower level. Managing my team's outputs is easier than fulfilling my own, both in terms of working hours and workload (unless someone is sick but I can handle that). So I think you should stick with what you do now! Plus if you go on mat leave again you will want your mat pay to reflect a more senior rate surely...

Sometimes there is actually more flexibility and autonomy with the more senior role strangely.

this is actually the most important point here. I had a lot more autonomy to set up my calendar when i was more senior than i ever did (when i needed it, actually) when my DCs were small. I worked full time, and my DH picked up the slack when it was better for him to do it, and i picked up the slack when it was better for me. And when neither could manage? My mum came over and helped out, or we paid a shit ton of money for childcare/help. I promised, cajoled, swapped things with colleagues all through school years, and so did he.

How ridiculous. No way .

There's nothing wrong, per se, with couples agreeing this sort of thing together.

When my husband pulled a 40h working week yet again on holiday, I made it clear to him that I would not consider having children with him whilst he was in that job, nor did I think that we would last long term. He switched jobs to higher pay, better conditions, and is glad that I challenged him - I didn't demand that he do something, just that I had to draw a line in how I behaved accordingly.

But "not following his instructions"? He can get to fuck.

You will find it nigh on impossible to claw back any equality in the home, ever again, if you follow his "instructions".

Though TBH he lost me when he said the word instructions and he should have lost you as well.

This sort of power struggle is one of the last bastions of misogyny and inequality and it's holding women back in every area of their lives. You need to be super firm with him and, if I were you, start looking at him with new eyes. This is who he is. This is what he thinks of you and your career and role in the family.

If this thread goes the full 40 pages, this will still be the best advice you receive on it OP.

Ask him to write 500 words, a manifesto, about why

• he thinks that you should take a pay cut that won't really change your working hours, rather than just use that money to pay for better childcare and things to benefit your child

• you should do it and not him

Then once he has done it, ask whether he would be totally happy to show this reasoning to a friend or sister.

I think that he will find it difficult and you will find it revealing.