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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a girl?

267 replies

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:27

Another thread like this, I know.

Two boys, 7 and 4. Both hard work in different ways, although lovely of course too. Both daddies boys, none of this mummy’s boy stuff which I would love.

I never ruled out a third, but DH isn’t keen as he is almost 40, I’m 5 years younger. I would really like a daughter. I know there’s no guarantee but I know plenty who’ve followed the old fashioned methods and managed it.

DH dead against it, it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say, especially when he’s fine with his 2 boys, and he knew I was younger when we got married!

OP posts:
Favour237 · 09/01/2023 20:30

And what if you had a third daddy’s boy? Or a daddy’s girl? Maybe try to be happy with the children you do have, obviously you can’t make your husband have another.

ClubhouseGift · 09/01/2023 20:31

No method you choose will increase your likelihood of conceiving a girl. It doesn’t work like that.

The people you know who have used these old fashioned methods and conceived a girl have just been lucky.

Suziesz · 09/01/2023 20:32

DH dead against it, it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say

No, it would be more unfair to being a child into the world with someone who doesn’t want to be a parent again. Why would you put a child through that?

and he knew I was younger when we got married!

What does that have to do with having a third child.

It’s tough if you have come to the decision that you want more but your partner doesn’t, at the end of the day you need to decide if you’re happy with what you have or if it’s worth splitting your family up over.

Obviously there is no guarantee you would have a girl an there is no actual way to ‘try for a girl’ any more than there is to try for a boy. What would you do if you had another child and it was a boy? Would you just want to keep going until it was a girl?

Suziesz · 09/01/2023 20:34

Both daddies boys, none of this mummy’s boy stuff which I would love.

I have to say, ultimately this might stem from the fact that you aren’t actually 100% happy with two boys. You are pining for a girl and so feel your boys aren’t actually enough for you.

There is no guarantee a girl would be closer to you. You build the relationship yourself, it’s not based on gender.

Beees · 09/01/2023 20:35

Your children don't prefer their father because they are all the same sex. If you had a third and they were a girl they may well prefer your DH too.

He doesn't want another so that's the end of the discussion, it's not unfair at all. Maybe you should work on developing interests and hobbies to share with your sons.

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:37

No I would stop at 3 either way as I often wanted 3 children. I have gone through fantasies of having three little boys in the past so I wouldn’t love a boy any less, in the same way that once DS2 was here, I wouldn’t change a hair on his head even though he’s a nightmare child! The fact that I have two boys means that there’s a bonus chance of having a girl if we were to have a third.

The point about being younger is that I have plenty of time at 34, to have a third.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:38

No I would stop at 3 either way as I often wanted 3 children. I have gone through fantasies of having three little boys in the past so I wouldn’t love a boy any less, in the same way that once DS2 was here, I wouldn’t change a hair on his head even though he’s a nightmare child! The fact that I have two boys means that there’s a bonus chance of having a girl if we were to have a third.

The point about being younger is that I have plenty of time at 34, to have a third.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:40

No I would stop at 3 either way as I often wanted 3 children. I have gone through fantasies of having three little boys in the past so I wouldn’t love a boy any less, in the same way that once DS2 was here, I wouldn’t change a hair on his head even though he’s a nightmare child! The fact that I have two boys means that there’s a bonus chance of having a girl if we were to have a third.

The point about being younger is that I have plenty of time at 34, to have a third.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:45

No I would stop at 3 either way as I often wanted 3 children. I have gone through fantasies of having three little boys in the past so I wouldn’t love a boy any less, in the same way that once DS2 was here, I wouldn’t change a hair on his head even though he’s a nightmare child! The fact that I have two boys means that there’s a bonus chance of having a girl if we were to have a third.

The point about being younger is that I have plenty of time at 34, to have a third.

OP posts:
OverTheRubicon · 09/01/2023 20:50

You can't have a third unless you'll be genuinely happy with a boy (or even twin boys).

There is no evidence in favour of ways to conceive girls or boys - and in fact after having 2 boys, the statistics suggest you're most likely to have another boy.

It would be so unfair to that boy to make him the unwanted third who should have been a girl.

HushLittleBabyDontYouCry · 09/01/2023 20:51

You are not unreasonable to want a girl, I do believe that there's a certain biological yearning for a same sex child.

But it would be unreasonable to not look at it rationally and unpick why you want a girl and feel it would be different to a boy.

Firstly, I think a lot of the reason people get fixated on sex is gender stereotypes. This is particularly true with boys I think, as whilst it is seen as socially acceptable for a girl to wear blue or like rough and tumble, most adults who should know better seem to have a rather irrational fear of dressing boys in pink or if they like Frozen.

Studies do show that male role models are important both for girls and boys, so do be pleased your husband clearly provides that. There will be parts that you fill in that dad won't do for, but when you feel like the outcast parent you often overlook them.

Try to set up special time with your boys, separately, to nurture the relationship and don't feel disheartened if you don't get immediate responses from them. Children tend to fall into habits with caregivers, based on routine rather than preference etc.

Ultimately, bringing a child into the world is a joint decision and as you can't choose either a babies sex or personality, doing so just to get a girl would be unwise. Even if you did conceive a girl there's no guarantee she would fulfill your desire for a 'girl', as it is based on abstracts and there is no cardboard cut out 'girl' mum experience.

I recommend talking it through with yourself, husband, the dog etc and trying to work out where the need is coming from. If it's something like wanting to pass on unique experiences associated with being a 'girl', I'm talking navigating periods etc not liking ponies, then volunteering for girl guiding might help you meet those needs.

Finally don't forget that children are fickle with favouritism when it comes to parents and it will no doubt be your 'turn' soon.

HushLittleBabyDontYouCry · 09/01/2023 20:52

You are not unreasonable to want a girl, I do believe that there's a certain biological yearning for a same sex child.

But it would be unreasonable to not look at it rationally and unpick why you want a girl and feel it would be different to a boy.

Firstly, I think a lot of the reason people get fixated on sex is gender stereotypes. This is particularly true with boys I think, as whilst it is seen as socially acceptable for a girl to wear blue or like rough and tumble, most adults who should know better seem to have a rather irrational fear of dressing boys in pink or if they like Frozen.

Studies do show that male role models are important both for girls and boys, so do be pleased your husband clearly provides that. There will be parts that you fill in that dad won't do for, but when you feel like the outcast parent you often overlook them.

Try to set up special time with your boys, separately, to nurture the relationship and don't feel disheartened if you don't get immediate responses from them. Children tend to fall into habits with caregivers, based on routine rather than preference etc.

Ultimately, bringing a child into the world is a joint decision and as you can't choose either a babies sex or personality, doing so just to get a girl would be unwise. Even if you did conceive a girl there's no guarantee she would fulfill your desire for a 'girl', as it is based on abstracts and there is no cardboard cut out 'girl' mum experience.

I recommend talking it through with yourself, husband, the dog etc and trying to work out where the need is coming from. If it's something like wanting to pass on unique experiences associated with being a 'girl', I'm talking navigating periods etc not liking ponies, then volunteering for girl guiding might help you meet those needs.

Finally don't forget that children are fickle with favouritism when it comes to parents and it will no doubt be your 'turn' soon.

aintitfun · 09/01/2023 20:59

Honestly I would feel the same as you if I didn’t have a daughter. You can’t help how you feel so YANBU

ghostyslovesheets · 09/01/2023 21:00

What will you do when it's a boy?

I have 3 girls - always knew the chances of three being a girl where high - didn't care if it was a boy or a girl though

Please don't think girls are easier! Also 2 of mine are football playing daddies girls - all of them have interests of their own - not always mine. The one thing we did as a gang was riding and they all grew out of that!

You DH isn't keen - you need to consider this as well

Lost123454 · 09/01/2023 21:00

Old fashioned methods lol

ghostyslovesheets · 09/01/2023 21:01

What will you do when it's a boy?

I have 3 girls - always knew the chances of three being a girl where high - didn't care if it was a boy or a girl though

Please don't think girls are easier! Also 2 of mine are football playing daddies girls - all of them have interests of their own - not always mine. The one thing we did as a gang was riding and they all grew out of that!

You DH isn't keen - you need to consider this as well

Jagley · 09/01/2023 21:02

You can't guarantee having a girl, and even if you had a girl you couldn't guarantee she'd be closer to you. I am much closer to my dad than my mum.

wishingitwasfriday · 09/01/2023 21:03

You say your husband knew you were younger when you got married, but by the same token, you knew he was older and so therefore might want to stop procreating sooner than you.
You might get pregnant and have a girl and she might be a real daddies girl. Would you then want to try for another girl?

ghostyslovesheets · 09/01/2023 21:07

What will you do when it's a boy?

I have 3 girls - always knew the chances of three being a girl where high - didn't care if it was a boy or a girl though

Please don't think girls are easier! Also 2 of mine are football playing daddies girls - all of them have interests of their own - not always mine. The one thing we did as a gang was riding and they all grew out of that!

You DH isn't keen - you need to consider this as well

Suziesz · 09/01/2023 21:09

The fact that I have two boys means that there’s a bonus chance of having a girl if we were to have a third.

That’s not how it works. You are actually slightly more likely to have the same gender for child 3.

The point about being younger is that I have plenty of time at 34, to have a third.

I still don’t get the relevance of this. Do you mean with your husband or a new partner?
Ultimately your DH doesn’t want a third plus feels too old so is unlikely to change his mind, however difficult that is for you.

McPlant1 · 09/01/2023 21:11

I know there’s no guarantee but I know plenty who’ve followed the old fashioned methods and managed it

You know plenty of people who took a 50:50 chance and got the outcome they wanted, and, with the benefit of hindsight, put it down to their own genius. It’s all luck.

Not wrong to want a third, but wanting a girl assuming it’ll give you a better relationship and experience to your DS’ is unreasonable.

Giveaschitt · 09/01/2023 21:13

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:45

No I would stop at 3 either way as I often wanted 3 children. I have gone through fantasies of having three little boys in the past so I wouldn’t love a boy any less, in the same way that once DS2 was here, I wouldn’t change a hair on his head even though he’s a nightmare child! The fact that I have two boys means that there’s a bonus chance of having a girl if we were to have a third.

The point about being younger is that I have plenty of time at 34, to have a third.

Ha, tell that my gran - my dad is one of seven boys...

Emmamoo89 · 09/01/2023 21:13

YANBU x

Aussierose2 · 09/01/2023 21:18

I had three boys and wasn't disappointed at all I don't really understand the obsession people have with having a certain gender but i will just say I have a great relationship with my boys and an awful one with my mother and know several people on the same situation having a girl doesn't mean you will best friends or anything near that

KitchenDiscos · 09/01/2023 21:24

YANBU and you can’t help how you feel, but if your husband doesn’t want any more children, I’m afraid you’ll have to make your peace with that. Can you create some 1-on-1 time with each of your sons to do something together that you’ll both enjoy? Something that can be just your thing?

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