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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a girl?

267 replies

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:27

Another thread like this, I know.

Two boys, 7 and 4. Both hard work in different ways, although lovely of course too. Both daddies boys, none of this mummy’s boy stuff which I would love.

I never ruled out a third, but DH isn’t keen as he is almost 40, I’m 5 years younger. I would really like a daughter. I know there’s no guarantee but I know plenty who’ve followed the old fashioned methods and managed it.

DH dead against it, it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say, especially when he’s fine with his 2 boys, and he knew I was younger when we got married!

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 10/01/2023 08:02

I have a friend with the same experience as a pp. Persuaded to have another, child is profoundly disabled, he is filled with regret that their lives are now turned upside down forever.
Having a baby is rolling the dice and you both need to be 100% agreed on rolling it.

You wouldn't even be thinking about it if your second son had been a girl. I feel sorry for this boy, a disappointment before he was born and already labelled as a demon child.

HushLittleBabyDontYouCry · 10/01/2023 08:06

I think it's mostly sound advice although the steps can be a little cumbersome so id add in one at a time and then move on when you have mastered that one. I think you'd get on with it because it does acknowledge there's a physical difference but also that a lot of it is social and therefore can be 'unlearned'.
Do also be mindful that gender stereotypes are so ingrained people see what they want to see. My child has a dyspraxia and autism and presents and quiet and unadventurous. This didn't stop his grandparents when I had a girl from pronouncing him 'energetic and boisterous' and hoping shel would be quiet and we'll behaved. Made me laugh because he is so shy and cautious. Be careful it's not a self fulfilling prophecy.

MassiveSalad22 · 10/01/2023 08:07

BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 08:02

Girls tend to be more considerate. Why act like that’s a bad thing?

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Because you’re perpetuating the idea that boys are the opposite. Which leads to bigger issues.

BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 08:09

You wouldn't even be thinking about it if your second son had been a girl

To be fair, it seems like this is a common thing. Research shows that couples with two of the same sex are more likely to go for a third. Particularly those with only boys (though it seems you are slightly more likely to have another boy while this isn’t a pattern with only girls)

BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 08:15

MassiveSalad22 · 10/01/2023 08:07

Because you’re perpetuating the idea that boys are the opposite. Which leads to bigger issues.

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People are not perpetuating this; they observe this in real life.

To say it isn’t real or is culturally imposed is gaslighting (imho) parents like OP who really are trying

Giveaschitt · 10/01/2023 08:16

Namechanged2023 · 10/01/2023 08:02

@OnlyFoolsnMothers absolutely, find me a NT girl who is badly behaved at primary school and I’ll eat my hat! I’m sure cheekiness can start in the older years and secondary, but by then the “naughty” boys are beating each other so the girls’ behaviour pales in comparison.

At least two in my son's class! One of them is shocking, and way worse than any of the boys.

user8912 · 10/01/2023 08:19

This thread is awful. OP and Bananaspeel you should be ashamed of yourselves. Don't have any more children as you're going to fuck these ones up right enough. I'm thinking this thread isn't genuine now, no mum of boys starts staying they want a girl because men are statistically more likely to abuse, if you look back at those men I would bet an overwhelming majority did not have a good home life, so you might want to be reflecting on the home life you're creating with those views.

If you're worried about the characteristics of a person and don't think you can nurture good people, don't have children.

Perridot · 10/01/2023 08:29

I don’t understand the obsession with having girls. Even if you had a girl she could end up being a daddies girl or she’d grow up and you’d have nothing in common. A daughter isn’t a guaranteed bestie. I want two children and would love two boys

dustydewdrop · 10/01/2023 08:29

I feel so sorry for boys who come before the much longed for girl. I have friends like this with their “diva” daughters who are in fact diva’s because they’re spoilt rotten and get all the attention. You are implying OP that your boys aren’t enough because you want to specifically try for a girl and admit to feeling disappointed when finding out one was a boy. I hope they never know you felt like this. And good luck if you do get a girl and think it will be plain sailing at school etc because young and teenage girls can be vile to each other.

MassiveSalad22 · 10/01/2023 08:31

BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 08:15

People are not perpetuating this; they observe this in real life.

To say it isn’t real or is culturally imposed is gaslighting (imho) parents like OP who really are trying

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…. And people see it in real life because? Because people raise their kids differently dependent on their sex.

VioletaDelValle · 10/01/2023 08:31

absolutely, find me a NT girl who is badly behaved at primary school and I’ll eat my hat! I’m sure cheekiness can start in the older years and secondary, but by then the “naughty” boys are beating each other so the girls’ behaviour pales in comparison.

Stereotypical bullshit.

I've taught children dance for over 20 years and my classes are predominantly girls. I've had some absolute horrors over the years.
I have 8 nephews. All but one are an absolute delight and are growing in to fabulous young men. The one that's a nightmare is like that due to parenting.

You need to move away from stereotypes OP as it's causing you to be blinkered.

VioletaDelValle · 10/01/2023 08:31

And people see it in real life because? Because people raise their kids differently dependent on their sex.

100%

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/01/2023 08:32

No one cares that most men probably want a boy- who cares if women want girls- if they have boys of course they adore love and cherish them

McPlant1 · 10/01/2023 08:33

BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 08:15

People are not perpetuating this; they observe this in real life.

To say it isn’t real or is culturally imposed is gaslighting (imho) parents like OP who really are trying

Show quote history

Nobody is gaslighting anyone. Just calling out that too often boys are given a free pass not to be considerate, or kind or conforming, because of the fact they carry a Y chromosome. Sure there probably are differences in how boys and girls process the world. But these differences pale in comparison to how society treats even the youngest baby girls and baby boys. Said as a mum of boys, one of whom I’m regularly told isn’t ‘a typical boy’ because he’s emotionally sensitive, into learning and not particularly physical - what the hell is that saying to both genders??

MassiveSalad22 · 10/01/2023 08:33

BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 08:15

People are not perpetuating this; they observe this in real life.

To say it isn’t real or is culturally imposed is gaslighting (imho) parents like OP who really are trying

Show quote history

Also I’ve put a lot of effort into my boys and you saying it’s just the way they are and nothing to do with parenting is gaslighting me 😉 also, society comes down to mass parenting doesn’t it?

VioletaDelValle · 10/01/2023 08:33

Girls tend to be more considerate. Why act like that’s a bad thing?

Because they're taught to be..... you can teach boys to be considerate too.

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 10/01/2023 08:36

I think if OP had said she wanted a girl to complete her family it would have had a different response on here.
As it is it just sounds like she wants a girl as a 'do over' to make up for her badly behaved boys.

Spendonsend · 10/01/2023 08:37

I dont think its unreasonable to want a girl or a boy. I do think its unreasonable to have a third in the hope its a girl though.

VioletaDelValle · 10/01/2023 08:40

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/01/2023 08:32

No one cares that most men probably want a boy- who cares if women want girls- if they have boys of course they adore love and cherish them

Of course they do!

I hate seeing men declaring they want a boy and seeing their disappointment when they find out they're having a girl. It's disgusting.

I went to gender reveal party ( under duress as it was family) and we were asked to wear blue or pink to denote if we wanted a girl or boy. I wore white out of protest and made sure people knew why.

Seeing all the men in blue and women in pink made me feel sick.

I had my little boy with me and left early because I was disgusted to see women crying because it was a boy which prompted my son to ask me if I'd been disappointed when I found out he was a boy.

VioletaDelValle · 10/01/2023 08:43

@VioletaDelValle please enlighten me as I’ve tried everything with my DS.

Moving away from stereotypical ideas of how boys and girls behave would be a start.

Nottodaty · 10/01/2023 08:43

I’m one of three girls - all completely different. My younger two sister very different but not easy at all - both my parents have a few more grey hairs due to them.

My uncle after 3 boys finally had his Daddy girl…nope she is as tough as the boys and whole lot more challenging! His wife wanted a little girl to go shopping and do her nails - she got a football loving girl. She also felt like she was only born because they wanted a girl so in her teenage years really hard. All ok as adults but she moved to a different country so no daughter to go shopping with and all the other dreams the mum had.

Have a third if you want but be prepared if you already have two spirited boys then a girl will be likely the same. And she may not be aware of a list of expectations you may have.

HushLittleBabyDontYouCry · 10/01/2023 08:44

VioletaDelValle · 10/01/2023 08:40

Of course they do!

I hate seeing men declaring they want a boy and seeing their disappointment when they find out they're having a girl. It's disgusting.

I went to gender reveal party ( under duress as it was family) and we were asked to wear blue or pink to denote if we wanted a girl or boy. I wore white out of protest and made sure people knew why.

Seeing all the men in blue and women in pink made me feel sick.

I had my little boy with me and left early because I was disgusted to see women crying because it was a boy which prompted my son to ask me if I'd been disappointed when I found out he was a boy.

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Gosh that is so sad. Your poor boy!

Whynobreadpudding · 10/01/2023 08:45

What if the third child has special needs? It happened to me. Totally derails everything.

BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 08:46

OP and Bananaspeel you should be ashamed of yourselves

I am not. Sorry, but then you are blaming parents (particularly mothers) for not raising their boys right. How is that ok?

I will push back. I don’t believe in blank slate-ism and there’s a reason why men are over-represented in criminal statistics.

if you look back at those men I would bet an overwhelming majority did not have a good home life

Sure but many of them do come from good situations.

so you might want to be reflecting on the home life you're creating with those views

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read a thread right here on MN about boys who physically abuse their mothers. You could do a search and compare the amount of boys who do this vs girls and I’m sure it would look very stereotypical.

You want to blame the victim and pretend that it’s just bad parenting.

OP I’m very sorry I’m derailing your thread a bit … just know that your feelings are valid. Again it’s not about frilly dresses but in having a child that will go through the same experiences you had in life; experiences that males just cannot understand.

BarbedButterfly · 10/01/2023 08:46

Wow. When I was teaching the girls were far more trouble at primary. There was one girl who was totally impossible

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