To want a girl?

[Namechanged2023]

Another thread like this, I know.

Two boys, 7 and 4. Both hard work in different ways, although lovely of course too. Both daddies boys, none of this mummy’s boy stuff which I would love.

I never ruled out a third, but DH isn’t keen as he is almost 40, I’m 5 years younger. I would really like a daughter. I know there’s no guarantee but I know plenty who’ve followed the old fashioned methods and managed it.

DH dead against it, it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say, especially when he’s fine with his 2 boys, and he knew I was younger when we got married!

No, it’s not complete bollocks. He doesn’t need your consent.

His body, his choice. That is feminist.

He can use any form of contraception he sees fit, as can you.

Fuck all to do with feminism.

It's freedom of choice.

He wants no more children and doesn't want to "roll the dice again"

Roll the dice.........

Ridiculous!

I find your comments about what girls do really quite sad and bordering disturbing. If your children are badly behaved, it is probably something to do with your parenting rather than them being boys.

I find your comments about what girls do really quite sad and bordering disturbing. If your children are badly behaved, it is probably something to do with your parenting rather than them being boys

I guess a lot of boy parents are just bad parents then 🤷‍♀️

I don’t understand your comment.

OP has been going on and on about how badly behaved her children are and how she wants a girl because they conform apparently and therefore won’t be badly behaved. I find that sexist and very sad that somebody feels like that in 2023.

I think you will find in most marriages you talk about things like this and come to a mutual agreement. Wind your neck in

I have girls and boys. It's personality, not sex, that determines who they are and what they do. I do understand the yearning for a girl. I wanted at least one. I got more than that but one was a real daddy's girl. With kids, you just get what you get.

OP has been going on and on about how badly behaved her children are and how she wants a girl because they conform apparently and therefore won’t be badly behaved. I find that sexist and very sad that somebody feels like that in 2023

What is there to understand? Boys are more badly behaved than girls. So there’s less risk of having a girl with behavioural issues than a boy (or SEN/autism/etc)

To be absolutely clear for those who want to be all like, ‘my niece is a little terror and set the local school on fire!’ type posts, this is ofc a generalisation, but it is absolutely true (all u have to do is look at crime stats lol)

So if you believe bad behaviour is a function of bad parenting …

Thank you @thirdtimeluckyorwhat, seems like the Mumsnet parallel universe is active again, where it’s not actually reflective of real life. If anyone has the type of marriage/relationship where the partner got the snip knowing his partner really didn’t want him to, then that’s very sad. Same as I think it would be very sad for a woman to deliberately get pregnant against the man’s wishes (and I do know of a few instances, funnily enough mainly where the third child is involved!).

I guess a lot of boy parents are just bad parents

It's not quite as simple as that but it's not purely down to genetics either.
As it's been explained multiple times already, society treats boys and girls differently ( and that includes parents) which contributes to expectations around behaviour.

Crime statistics cannot be explained purely by genetics either. There is a significant amount of research looking at the causes male violence and crime and I'm not aware of a single one that just claims that it's just down to biology.
These studies look at things on a societal level too which, again, includes parenting (and in particular the role of the dad), role models, relationships, education, poverty, media, employment... the list goes on.

It's far too simplistic to just state 'boys are badly behaved'. By saying that aren't we just setting them up to fail from the moment they're born? Or before in some cases, judging by the comments on this thread.

And btw I'm not saying that parents of badly behaved boys are bad parents. I'm saying there are a whole range of reasons why a child, any child, might be badly behaved and we can't just use the excuse that they're a boy.

It feels like in your posts you are saying you want better behaved children rather than a girl necessarily? I have 2 girls. One very typically girly ( all friends are girls, loves unicorns rainbows etc) and one 'tomboy', gets on with girls but 90% of friends are boys - goes to cubs/ football etc. It's been an interesting experience as I feel a bit like I have 'one of each' despite both being the same sex.

Boys and girls are definitely socialised differently and there are strong messages from society from an early age. We had comments from age 3yo about boys toys/clothes etc.

I think people parent differently too imho. The mum's of boys tend to be more laid back and let them physically fight more. Even though my dd will happily join in a the fighting they treat her more gently than they would a boy. I have friend who says ' boys will be boys' with a shoulder shrug, which I hate as an excuse for bad behaviour.

It still depends on the personalities, girls appear to conform and behave more in public, but I don't think that's a good thing.

The mum's of boys tend to be more laid back and let them physically fight more

They probably had to learn to pick their battles or they’d literally be scolding their child all the time. It seems exhausting tbh

Even though my dd will happily join in a the fighting they treat her more gently than they would a boy

Probably not a bad thing since they can’t fight her post-puberty without seriously injuring her. Might as well learn that now.

I have friend who says ' boys will be boys' with a shoulder shrug, which I hate as an excuse for bad behaviour

What exactly do you want her to do?

As it's been explained multiple times already, society treats boys and girls differently (and that includes parents) which contributes to expectations around behaviour

So … yes. You are in fact blaming the parents for not expecting better behaviour from boys. Which doesn’t seem quite accurate to me, as nobody really wants to deal with a badly behaved child of either sex.

Crime statistics cannot be explained purely by genetics either. There is a significant amount of research looking at the causes male violence and crime and I'm not aware of a single one that just claims that it's just down to biology.
These studies look at things on a societal level too which, again, includes parenting (and in particular the role of the dad), role models, relationships, education, poverty, media, employment... the list goes on

And somehow, all those factors uniquely affect boys and make them more violent but girls are somehow less affected? (but naught to do with sex or genetics folks!)

Ofc environment matters, just not as much as we’d like …

By saying that aren't we just setting them up to fail from the moment they're born

oh it’s a problem for sure. But no easy answers if we take girl’s behaviour to be the standard by which we judge boys (bc they will largely fall short of those standards).

What exactly do you want her to do?

@BananaSpeel Parent their children appropriately.

So … yes. You are in fact blaming the parents for not expecting better behaviour from boys. Which doesn’t seem quite accurate to me, as nobody really wants to deal with a badly behaved child of either sex.

I've not actually said I'm blaming parents have I? In fact I've specifically stated that I'm not doing that.
However, it is well documented that society treats boys and girls differently and parents are part of society. It doesn't make them bad parents but the fact is there are different expectations around behaviour and differences in language used to describe behaviour and this is of course going to have an impact on how boys and girls behave and fit into society.

And somehow, all those factors uniquely affect boys and make them more violent but girls are somehow less affected? (but naught to do with sex or genetics folks!)

Again, I've not said that. What i have said is that we can't ONLY use genetics to explain behaviour. There is no evidence that biology dictates that ALL boys behave in a very specific way is there? It's far, far more nuanced than that.

oh it’s a problem for sure. But no easy answers if we take girl’s behaviour to be the standard by which we judge boys (bc they will largely fall short of those standards).

Yet again, I've not suggested we take girls behaviour as a standard by which to judge boys behaviour.