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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a girl?

267 replies

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:27

Another thread like this, I know.

Two boys, 7 and 4. Both hard work in different ways, although lovely of course too. Both daddies boys, none of this mummy’s boy stuff which I would love.

I never ruled out a third, but DH isn’t keen as he is almost 40, I’m 5 years younger. I would really like a daughter. I know there’s no guarantee but I know plenty who’ve followed the old fashioned methods and managed it.

DH dead against it, it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say, especially when he’s fine with his 2 boys, and he knew I was younger when we got married!

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 10/01/2023 07:24

Those of you with “strong willed girls”, I would bet that 98% are well behaved angels at school, no?

Again really really untrue. Some do, usually those who are neurodiverse and good at masking but plants boys who are perfect in school and not at home.

CraneBoysMysteries · 10/01/2023 07:26

I have 3 nephews and 4 nieces.

2 of the nephews are lovely, empathetic, love their mums, are good at school, don't fight, enjoy reading etc.
3 of the girls are outgoing, funny, clever, play sports etc

My other niece and nephew fight, are rude, lack empathy, don't do well at school and are boisterous. They have a father who shouts a lot, parents who argue and a mother who isn't emotionally available

Perhaps look closer to home on reasons why some children 'conform' and some don't rather than their sex.

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 10/01/2023 07:33

I’ve done my very best with my eldest DS, I have had boundaries, followed through with consequences, never smacked, I do shout but it’s not daily or even weekly. I’ve lost my temper but I remember the times I’ve done it which given he is 7 shows it’s few and far between.

He is still badly behaved a lot of the time, at school and at home. This started when he was 3 so I have been clamping down since then.

OP posts:
Leothebear · 10/01/2023 07:33

I have 2 DC, 1 boy and 1 girl.
I would love to have a third child but DH is absolutely against it and i have to respect this. Having a baby is such a huge responsibility and work - both parents have to be 100% in. Especially because you need to be a team in case baby is born with health issues.
I am working on making peace with it.

BunchHarman · 10/01/2023 07:34

Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl”

😔 I hate the notion that girls ‘learn’ to conform. It’s probably (horrifyingly) true in some cases as otherwise the male-dominated world kicks them right in the arse. But to see that as a reason to want a girl?? Jesus. Maybe hang out with your feminist mother a little more.

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 10/01/2023 07:35

Regardless, this post isn’t about my current children, I love them to death as anyone on this board will know, as I don’t suppose the neglectful/absent parents flock to mumsnet in droves.

My point remains is that I would like a girl. I was disappointed for a while when we found out DS2 was a boy at an early gender scan, then of course once the 20 week scan showed he was a healthy baby, I was very grateful and happy and once he was here, I adored him and always have. As a PP has mentioned, having boys doesn’t mean you love them less than you would a girl, but I would like to have one girl. If money was no object I would’ve had 4 children, and as long as one would’ve been a girl, I wouldn’t feel desire for any more.

OP posts:
BunchHarman · 10/01/2023 07:38

I’m glad not everyone seems to think the wishes of those who don’t want another child trump the others

Of course their feelings trumps the one who does. Imagine if your husband desperately wanted another and you didn’t. Imagine if he pushed and pushed you to get pregnant against your will?

Leothebear · 10/01/2023 07:38

Also, what happened to a friend of ours is a good lesson.
2 DSs, wife wanted to have a girl and H wanted to stop. W insisted and insisted and treated to leave.
Third baby arrived. A boy, with severe health issues requiring ventilator and pump feeding all life long.
Marriage irreversibily damaged.

I know one should not focus on the difficult stories - but you have to consider that, although rare, this COULD happen and you have to be strong enough to react on this.
This is why i think the 2 parents have to be 100% in.

snowtrees · 10/01/2023 07:38

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 21:55

Also I would like to have the different experience. My DS’ are very different so I know it’s not all about gender. But whatever anyone says, it’s a different experience raising boys and girls. Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

Unbelievably rose tinted glasses. Massive gender stereotype. My DD couldn't be further from this whereas her brother is more like this.
You are far off reality here.

BunchHarman · 10/01/2023 07:40

It sounds like, despite what you said earlier, if you had a third and it was another boy, you really wouldn’t be happy…

porpy · 10/01/2023 07:44

I think I must be the only woman with 2 boys and zero disappointment, zero desire for a girl! Judging by mumsnet anyway.

DashboardConfessional · 10/01/2023 07:44

BunchHarman · 10/01/2023 07:40

It sounds like, despite what you said earlier, if you had a third and it was another boy, you really wouldn’t be happy…

Agreed.

Talk about reinforcing gender stereotypes. Woman in "wants to raise a girl to play nicely and #bekind" shocker.

liveforsummer · 10/01/2023 07:45

Unbelievably rose tinted glasses. Massive gender stereotype. My DD couldn't be further from this whereas her brother is more like this.
You are far off reality here.

Completely anecdotal but ime it's birth order that seems to determine this. 1st dc ok, 2nd dc absolute rogue. 3rd dc a bit of a mix of both. I have lots of friends who have had a boy first and girl second and the boys are calm and sensible and girls wild. I have 2 girls and they have also followed this 😆

user8912 · 10/01/2023 07:48

Honestly OP you need to concentrate on the kids you have, you say you've "done your best" but you sound like you've given up and think a girl will be the answer. If you're this disengaged with your current kids I very much doubt anything would be different with another one chucked in, whatever the sex.

VioletaDelValle · 10/01/2023 07:51

Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

Just awful.

You do realise you can teach boys to be well behaved at school too right?

BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 07:52

It’s not their penises that make them rude and angry and emotionally stunted

Its called testosterone and it’s a hell of a drug. Read up on detransitioners experience of it—makes me forever glad I’m not a man

HushLittleBabyDontYouCry · 10/01/2023 07:53

I recommend a book called Calmer, Happier, Easier Boys op.

I think you are getting mixed about gender stereotypes and physical difference. For example, yes testosterone surges in puberty will make violent reactions more likely at that time, but that doesn't mean either this is forever or that it cannot be navigated.

But in all honesty if it really is that hard with two boys, you need to work on your parenting strategies. Adding a third child will not make it any easier. I have a nd boy and when I use better parenting strategies he is more like your fantasy idea of a girl than your idea of boys. However, like all children when I slip up his behaviour reflects my inconsistencies so I do need to regroup when this happens.

I only considered getting pregnant once I was confident I had his behaviour in hand and my husband was on board for another too. I also had to accept that my second child could have a disability too. I also had to ensure I wanted a second child for good reasons and spent some time exploring this, something I think you need to do, even if your husband changed his mind which it doesn't sound like it does.

Getting pregnant without consent is wrong so please keep that at the front of your mind.

DashboardConfessional · 10/01/2023 07:54

Also, the logic is batty. A well-behaved girl at school won't replace one badly-behaved boy. You'll just have 3 loads of logistics to sort and more years of the school run.

BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 07:54

VioletaDelValle · 10/01/2023 07:51

Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

Just awful.

You do realise you can teach boys to be well behaved at school too right?

We were all in school once and we remember who the badly behaved kids were—overwhelmingly boys.

Sure, the girls were no angels but they weren’t going to physically or (later on) sexually assault you, now were they?

To be clear: NABALT but to be in complete denial about it is 👎

BuffyFanForever · 10/01/2023 07:54

If you feel you really want a third then try and discuss with him. Personally I don’t think it’s fair for one person to ever shut down another desire for a child if they can be loved and cared for and all that. I had 2 boys and always longed for a daughter. Had my daughter and couldn’t have been more pleased. Did spend the pregnancy preparing myself incase the scan was wrong and another boy popped out though. Ignore everyone on here saying if it’s no it’s no and all that. Although he would need to parent it isn’t just up to him!

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 10/01/2023 07:55

BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 07:52

It’s not their penises that make them rude and angry and emotionally stunted

Its called testosterone and it’s a hell of a drug. Read up on detransitioners experience of it—makes me forever glad I’m not a man

Thank you. I don’t understand why people are ignoring the overwhelming statistical likelihood of males being imprisoned/breaking the law/getting into trouble at school/work.

@VioletaDelValle please enlighten me as I’ve tried everything with my DS.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/01/2023 08:00

I see the stereotype through and through- I have two girls that drive me up the wall at home, the eldest at school though is an angel at school. Whenever she tells me about disruption in class it’s a boy.
See a girl play date always ends in tears, a boy play date is always extremely physical. Drama and teen girls seems to go hand in hand.
Pros and cons to both sexes.
And I think the desire to raise the same sex as yourself is normal- I’m sure my husband wants a boy, thankfully the thought of a third child makes us both shudder- never!

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 10/01/2023 08:00

@HushLittleBabyDontYouCry thanks for the book recommendation, I haven’t heard of that one so I’ll try it. How To Talk… improved things, my eldest son is not overwhelmingly badly behaved; it’s not that I can’t handle him or my youngest (who is very challenging but also makes up for it with his hilarity, cuteness and zest for life) - think lots of low level but nevertheless challenging behaviour. At home and at school. I’ve never been pulled aside because he’s whacked someone because he would never hurt anyone, but he doesn’t do what he’s told unless it suits him.

OP posts:
BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 08:02

BunchHarman · 10/01/2023 07:34

Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl”

😔 I hate the notion that girls ‘learn’ to conform. It’s probably (horrifyingly) true in some cases as otherwise the male-dominated world kicks them right in the arse. But to see that as a reason to want a girl?? Jesus. Maybe hang out with your feminist mother a little more.

Girls tend to be more considerate. Why act like that’s a bad thing?

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 10/01/2023 08:02

@OnlyFoolsnMothers absolutely, find me a NT girl who is badly behaved at primary school and I’ll eat my hat! I’m sure cheekiness can start in the older years and secondary, but by then the “naughty” boys are beating each other so the girls’ behaviour pales in comparison.

OP posts: