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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a girl?

267 replies

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:27

Another thread like this, I know.

Two boys, 7 and 4. Both hard work in different ways, although lovely of course too. Both daddies boys, none of this mummy’s boy stuff which I would love.

I never ruled out a third, but DH isn’t keen as he is almost 40, I’m 5 years younger. I would really like a daughter. I know there’s no guarantee but I know plenty who’ve followed the old fashioned methods and managed it.

DH dead against it, it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say, especially when he’s fine with his 2 boys, and he knew I was younger when we got married!

OP posts:
VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 10:33

bekind and pretty like mummy would annoy me less if caring like daddy or beautiful boy were available, but they are invariably 'future scientist' and 'trouble' 'loud'.
So very little slogan clothing for me.

The best slogan clothing comes from 'the man who has it all'. They turn it all on it's head.

My boy had one of the boys will be boys t shirts ❤️
I'm dying to buy me and my DH the his and her PhD t shirts 😂

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 12/01/2023 10:37

DH dead against it, it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say, especially when he’s fine with his 2 boys, and he knew I was younger when we got married!

You can want it but he doesn't. That's all there is to it.

Whewillmylifebegin · 12/01/2023 10:54

Boots do reasonably priced bright clothing as it regularly goes into the sale.
If you buy from both sections in most stores you can pick up non frugi priced brights, although I agree pink and blue are the prevailing themes.
Vinted is good although you do have to be careful as postage adds up!

SpaceBunInstaHun · 12/01/2023 10:58

Kids clothes with decent slogans would make a killing.
Kids should be happy, not fucking pretty, that's grim.

Squirespot · 12/01/2023 12:11

SpaceBunInstaHun · 12/01/2023 08:29

Ah OP, I'm sure this will be frowned upon for saying but I'd like a girl one day because I'm bored of blue babygrows. Maybe I'll have a granddaughter or a niece 😍

I think children looking like they're, as opposed to being, "little shits", is the job of children in my opinion. Not in a way of them being rude or naughty, no.
But silly, boisterous, inquisitive and excitable. You're only exploring the world with such uncharted territory the once.
Children should get excited for new experiences, sensory ones included.
Kids should be wild when running around fields or exploring beaches, they should be enjoying mud, water, climbing, pillow fights, making dens, getting fucking playdoh everywhere.
Those experiences make children appear like little shits, but often it's just all so exciting.
Before anyone @s me, once again, rude, naughty, unkind, isn't normal and I'd not have it from my children and 2 are SEN so I understand its a struggle, but "being little shits" isn't reserved for boys, I'm sure girls can be over stimulated and excited too.
Girls will climb or play football or want to do karate as opposed to ballet, those girls will be seen as little shits because they're not sitting quietly. That's just how people will describe kids being kids. It's not meant offensively, surely?! It's just a phrase. I refer to my kids as feral but it's a joke, because they're boisterous at times, and thank fuck for that, who wants kids to not let off steam?

Your boys sound fun OP, all my kids are for their dad also, but he's a plank who will start making frigging volcanos with them 8pm etc, be glad your kids have a wonderful dad!

Sounds like your family is pretty awesome to me x

Sorry how does it sound like the family is pretty awesome? She wants a good girl, her DH doesn't, she finds her male children challenging.

Sounds discontented and unhappy to me, not sure why the platitudes of "you sound awesome are being said?"

BloodAndFire · 12/01/2023 12:29

I know there’s no guarantee but I know plenty who’ve followed the old fashioned methods and managed it.

No, you know plenty of people who did some random stuff and unrelatedly got the outcome they wanted, which was always 50/50.

SpaceBunInstaHun · 12/01/2023 12:30

@Squirespot

They sound fun and boisterous with a father whos involved. Why isn't that a good thing?

Just because OP wants more children and would like a daughter, doesn't mean she's not already got a lovely family.

BloodAndFire · 12/01/2023 12:30

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 10:33

bekind and pretty like mummy would annoy me less if caring like daddy or beautiful boy were available, but they are invariably 'future scientist' and 'trouble' 'loud'.
So very little slogan clothing for me.

The best slogan clothing comes from 'the man who has it all'. They turn it all on it's head.

My boy had one of the boys will be boys t shirts ❤️
I'm dying to buy me and my DH the his and her PhD t shirts 😂

We've both got PhDs too but I hope you're joking about the T-shirts. That would be so obnoxious!

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 12:59

We've both got PhDs too but I hope you're joking about the T-shirts. That would be so obnoxious!

Of course I'm joking! They make a point though. I got my PhD first and I lost count how many people assumed the Dr in our relationship was my DH.

BananaSpeel · 12/01/2023 13:21

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 09:16

Surely that's a matter of opinion?
Not everyone is into traditional girly clothes! They're also so impractical for babies and young children.

And nobody is 'ripping you to shreds' they're responding to your comments with their own opinion.

Show quote history

Male clothing in general is very boring let’s be honest Western men dress themselves and their boys like slobs

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 13:59

Male clothing in general is very boring let’s be honest Western men dress themselves and their boys like slobs

What, all of them?

There are some ridiculous sweeping statements on this thread! It's hilarious.

BananaSpeel · 12/01/2023 15:08

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 13:59

Male clothing in general is very boring let’s be honest Western men dress themselves and their boys like slobs

What, all of them?

There are some ridiculous sweeping statements on this thread! It's hilarious.

Do you like … not understand generalities?

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 15:16

Do you like … not understand generalities?

Ah so when you say 'let’s be honest Western men dress themselves and their boys like slobs' you're expecting people to understand that you don't mean all western men obviously, even though that's not what you've said. You think we're all mind readers.

Sweeping generalisations with no actual evidence are not very helpful.

adomizo · 12/01/2023 15:22

Cuppasoupmonster · 12/01/2023 10:32

Yep boys clothes are shit. Endless blue, grey and khaki. Girls clothes can be a bit cheap looking in garish pinks but generally there’s a lot more choice and colours. Then problem is you can only buy the ‘fun, neutral, pastel coloured’ clothes if you’ve got the cash to spend in Jojo Maman, Frugi etc and most of us don’t. Most people can only afford supermarket or clothes from shops like Next which are pretty gendered.

Yes boys clothes can be a bit shit and with a girl and 3 boys I can definetly comment on this.....However there are nice boys clothes out there...but you have to look harder. I don't know why more high street shops don't sell nicer boys clothes...

I think it taps into the OPs and some others feelings around having boys...they are not as desirable as girls..that girls are the prize and boys are just not as cute/well behaved and are more difficult. ( I've heard all the comments at the stage after 3 boys..) hence the market decides that people may spend less on boys clothes and are not looking for the same choice (I've no idea why)

Think OP should let this one go.....chances are it's going to be boy and if its a girl they may not live up to these unrealistic expectations of girls being quiet/well behaved /good at crafting/liking shopping. Even if you have a girl like this they will probably be totally different by the time they are a teenager. It's a long game..the boys will turn out lovely...let go of the stereotypes.

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 15:27

However there are nice boys clothes out there...but you have to look harder. I don't know why more high street shops don't sell nicer boys clothes...

Boots did lovely clothes when DS was a baby (lots of very bright colours) and I've always thought Sainsbury's have nice boys clothes.

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 12/01/2023 16:25

For sure @SpaceBunInstaHun, pre kids I thought all kids were little shits, basically. Obviously we all think our own children aren’t (even when they are!) but other kids, when you’re not even a parent yourself? Forget it. I’m only nice to my friends’ kids, boys and girls, because they’re my friends’ kids, I don’t particularly like them.

And thank you, my boys are awesome. Hard work, in different ways, but awesome.

Boys clothes suck. You get the odd nice range but they’re always more expensive, and there’s about 25% less than girls’ clothes too.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 12/01/2023 16:27

How are you feeling OP? Thinking you might roll the dice one more time? I’m hoping to get DH to agree to DC3 after this one (not for gender reasons though) but he’s adamant he doesn’t want any more so I feel for you! That said when I said just go ahead and book the snip then he refused 🧐

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 12/01/2023 17:19

Sadly DH is pretty against DC3 too and would get the snip tomorrow if I agreed! I understand because he's almost 40, and struggled with the sleepless nights and teething more than I did, so is grateful to be out of the baby phase. Whereas I love the idea of having a baby when both my DC are in full time school, I really enjoyed DS2 as a baby because I knew what I was doing, but I had toddler DS1 who was with us virtually full time so I didn't get to do much of the baby stuff. I loved my maternity leave with DS1 as we did lots of fun classes together, but I don't think I appreciated the baby phase because I was so stressed about doing it all perfectly.

What puts me off is pregnancy! Hated it, was very sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 12/01/2023 17:20

And contrary to the views on this thread that I don't appreciate my kids (!), I don't like the idea of being out of action for so long during pregnancy and missing out on spending time with them.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 12/01/2023 17:26

Aww. Remember very few people get what they want in life (if that’s not too trite and general!). I have a DD and pregnant with a boy, but I’m jealous of anyone in good health (really jealous!), jealous of anyone with a lovely mum/dad, jealous of anyone who had a long courtship with their DH as I was preggo in 18 months… i suppose there will be lots of women jealous of those with healthy children, or a lovely husband etc.

ClubhouseGift · 12/01/2023 19:36

Sadly DH is pretty against DC3 too and would get the snip tomorrow if I agreed!

He doesn’t need you to agree. It’s nothing to do with you. It’s his body and his choice, he should just do it.

Squirespot · 12/01/2023 20:26

Namechanged2023 · 12/01/2023 17:19

Sadly DH is pretty against DC3 too and would get the snip tomorrow if I agreed! I understand because he's almost 40, and struggled with the sleepless nights and teething more than I did, so is grateful to be out of the baby phase. Whereas I love the idea of having a baby when both my DC are in full time school, I really enjoyed DS2 as a baby because I knew what I was doing, but I had toddler DS1 who was with us virtually full time so I didn't get to do much of the baby stuff. I loved my maternity leave with DS1 as we did lots of fun classes together, but I don't think I appreciated the baby phase because I was so stressed about doing it all perfectly.

What puts me off is pregnancy! Hated it, was very sick.

He doesn't need your agreement.

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 12/01/2023 21:36

He wouldn’t completely end his ability to increase our family without my consent in the same way that I wouldn’t ever get pregnant deliberately without his consent. We have mutual respect for each other. Works both ways surely? I thought mumsnet was meant to be feminist?

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 12/01/2023 21:48

Namechanged2023 · 12/01/2023 21:36

He wouldn’t completely end his ability to increase our family without my consent in the same way that I wouldn’t ever get pregnant deliberately without his consent. We have mutual respect for each other. Works both ways surely? I thought mumsnet was meant to be feminist?

A true feminist would agree that my body my choice also applies to men...

Him getting a vasectomy is maintaining the status quo. You getting pregnancy accidentally-on purpose would uproot your lives entirely. So these two are not comparable in my opinion.

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 12/01/2023 21:49

Complete bollocks. I also wouldn’t have a termination lightly without his input at least, given we’re married, have a family together, and are sharing a life together. My body my choice indeed. How is it different to me getting pregnant deliberately!

OP posts: