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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a girl?

267 replies

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:27

Another thread like this, I know.

Two boys, 7 and 4. Both hard work in different ways, although lovely of course too. Both daddies boys, none of this mummy’s boy stuff which I would love.

I never ruled out a third, but DH isn’t keen as he is almost 40, I’m 5 years younger. I would really like a daughter. I know there’s no guarantee but I know plenty who’ve followed the old fashioned methods and managed it.

DH dead against it, it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say, especially when he’s fine with his 2 boys, and he knew I was younger when we got married!

OP posts:
HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 09/01/2023 23:42

OP you are digging a bigger and bigger hole for yourself as this thread progresses, and I’m not sure what you want out of it, anyway.

The only person who can help you here is your DH.

JussathoB · 09/01/2023 23:51

i don’t really see why the woman’s desire to have another child is completely disregarded, don’t her feelings matter?

bridgetreilly · 09/01/2023 23:52

If you’ve had two boys you are more likely to have another boy than a girl.

bridgetreilly · 09/01/2023 23:54

If you have had two children who are hard work, then the third child is guaranteed to be even worse. You seem to have completely unrealistic expectations, OP.

FlorenceAndTheVendingMachine · 09/01/2023 23:55

it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say

Well, nobody can be forced to have a child against their will.

PinkButtercups · 09/01/2023 23:56

You can't guarantee you'll only have a singleton!

I have a DS and twins DD & DS. They're 5 weeks old and my eldest (3) is a complete mummy's boy.

Just because you might have a girl doesn't mean you will have a mummy's girl. I honestly don't care if my girl is a mummy or daddy's girl. As long as she is happy and cared for.

JussathoB · 09/01/2023 23:56

Nobody knows whether the third child would be a boy or a girl so ideally both parents would wish to have a child and love whichever arrived. But I’m surprised by the view which simply dismisses one partners desire for a baby if the other one is against it. In a happy marriage or family, both partners hopes and feelings have to be taken into account

DonutsAndCream · 09/01/2023 23:57

I don't think YABU to want third child, or a girl.
YABU to think your husband doesn't get equal say in the matter.

salzburginthesnow · 09/01/2023 23:59

What if it’s another boy?

DonutsAndCream · 10/01/2023 00:00

JussathoB · 09/01/2023 23:51

i don’t really see why the woman’s desire to have another child is completely disregarded, don’t her feelings matter?

Of course they do. Equally with her husbands.
Her husband does not want a third child, there is nothing the woman can do about that.
She has some options if she really, really wants that third child, but ultimately her husband has a voice too.

DonutsAndCream · 10/01/2023 00:02

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 21:55

Also I would like to have the different experience. My DS’ are very different so I know it’s not all about gender. But whatever anyone says, it’s a different experience raising boys and girls. Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

You could get one like I was at school- total nightmare and PITA from Y8-Y10! On the other hand, my brother was an angel child.

BananaSpeel · 10/01/2023 00:24

Don’t let people here minimise things: it would be sad to not have a girl if you really want one.

Its not about pink frilly frocks or whatever. It’s sharing certain life experiences, both good and bad, that your sons will never understand.

Plus, sons are just more difficult, they have more SEN and behavioural problems. All you have to do is read MN—no one will admit it though

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 10/01/2023 00:37

Plus, sons are just more difficult, they have more SEN and behavioural problems. All you have to do is read MN—no one will admit it though

Every time these threads rear their heads - and it’s often - they’re littered with people saying boys are so much easier, they love their Mums soooo much more, and that girls are hard work, bitchy drama queens who all hate their Mums…..

Aldith · 10/01/2023 00:37

YANBU to want a girl as a lot of adults do have a secret preference. DH and I both do me for a boy and him for a girl. We have agreed to just one pregnancy though due to our ages and therefore know one of us will not get our secret preference.

However both of us would admit that being parents is the most important thing for both of us and both of us will love whatever child we end up having as either way we are still parents.

Do not make the mistake of assuming girls will conform. I have never cared about fashion, make up or having my nails done but I love going to the football on a Saturday when I get the chance first with my DF and now DH joins us too.

My sister got herself a fake id and was going out clubbing at 15 when my parents thought she was staying at a friends house. The friends parents had a far more lax-a-daisy attitude to parenting which my parents were unaware of.

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 10/01/2023 06:21

I have one of each, my boy is an angel....his younger sister is not badly behaved but she most definitely does not conform (not that I would want her to, it isn't 1950🙄)
What would you do if you tried for another and had twin boys? Or a twin boy and girl?
I can't help but feel like if you managed to have a girl your other children would be pushed to one side, shit like that causes a lifetime of issues between siblings.

Suziesz · 10/01/2023 06:47

JussathoB · 09/01/2023 23:51

i don’t really see why the woman’s desire to have another child is completely disregarded, don’t her feelings matter?

It’s not disregarded though but her partner doesn’t want to have another child. You cannot force anyone to have a child they don’t want. Or at least you should not.
Her husband is allowed to decide he doesn’t want more children, they sew both in control of their bodily autonomy.
Ultimately OP does have a choice and if she wants another child so much, she could leave her partner and find someone else more compatible in that regard.

What do you think the alternative is? Force the husband to have another despite his wishes? What if it was the husband wanting another, should OP the wife be forced into another she doesn’t want? Or is it only no big deal when it’s the husband?

Rockingcloggs · 10/01/2023 06:53

Girls learn to conform?! Funniest thing I have ever read!

MassiveSalad22 · 10/01/2023 06:58

Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

😲 and you say you were raised by a feminist??

I have 2 boys and a girl and the last thing I want is for DD to be a good little conformist sitting in the corner being quiet. Ew. I’m glad she has 2 big brothers!! And I’m glad I’ve raised my boys to be kind and caring and not terrors, respectful and yes, energetic and crazy and fun. And doing very well at school. Gender is a construct and you don’t have to put your kids in a box!

ZL2014 · 10/01/2023 07:06

I’ve got 2 boys, both very loving. The oldest is 8 and neither a Mummy’s/daddy’s boy and the youngest 6 is a big Mummy’s boy.

I always wanted another child and my husband always said he didn’t so that was that - it’s definitely something that you both need to be in agreement with.

A year ago, our of the blue he said he wants another child. Now I’m sat with my lovely 6 week old girl.

I love my boys and would have loved another just as much as a girl - I count my blessings everyday and know how lucky we are to have 3 healthy children but it feels like it’s a little bonus to get a girl too for our last baby. I get to buy little dresses now! 🥰 (That’s the only difference)

Maybe he’ll feel different in a few years, I guess only time will tell x

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 10/01/2023 07:09

Learn to conform = behave in a civilised manner, be polite and well behaved in school and other places where it’s required. Not be quiet wallflowers with no opinions. God knows I have never been the latter!

Those of you with “strong willed girls”, I would bet that 98% are well behaved angels at school, no? My eldest DS’ best friend is a girl, she is a strong willed character; but she is good in the main at school.

And I hate gender stereotypes, but they are real. Almost all my friends and family have children by now, the majority of the boys are boisterous and loud; the majority of the girls aren’t. Plenty of the girls love active play, running around; I’m not talking of the extremes of a girl sitting quietly with a cup of tea and saucer! But the ones who fight physically, who take it too far and get hurt or hurt others, they are almost always boys.

I’m glad not everyone seems to think the wishes of those who don’t want another child trump the others’. I know it’s not ideal, hence why we’re in a stale mate. I’ve been wondering about a third since my youngest DS was 13 months!

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 10/01/2023 07:12

Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

Might be worth having a chat with your strong feminist mother about your views.

MassiveSalad22 · 10/01/2023 07:16

OK but @Namechanged2023 you seem to be blind to the way you’ve raised your boys?? It’s perfectly possible to raise emotionally intelligent and respectful boys. They are capable of learning not to take things too far. It’s not their penises that make them rude and angry and emotionally stunted.

Learn to conform = behave in a civilised manner, be polite and well behaved in school and other places where it’s required. Not be quiet wallflowers with no opinions. God knows I have never been the latter! This is my boys.

liveforsummer · 10/01/2023 07:19

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 21:55

Also I would like to have the different experience. My DS’ are very different so I know it’s not all about gender. But whatever anyone says, it’s a different experience raising boys and girls. Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

This is the biggest load of nonsense I think I've ever heard 😆. I work in a school and we have plenty non conformist wild girls and quiet compliant boys. In fact in our older year groups pretty much all of the more challenging children are girls. You've convinced yourself the grass is always greener and now making up a fairy tale to go with it. You say you'd be happy with a 3rd boy but your later responses say otherwise.

seven8nine · 10/01/2023 07:22

Yanbu your life, but going 2 to 3 dc regardless of gender is a huge change that will affect everything and everyone. How will you feel if it's not the dd you want that is changing things?

Also, not all boys are high energy and boisterous, be thankful that your boys are healthy.

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 10/01/2023 07:23

Namechanged2023 · Today 07:09

Learn to conform = behave in a civilised manner, be polite and well behaved in school and other places where it’s required. Not be quiet wallflowers with no opinions. God knows I have never been the latter!
Is this not exactly how you are raising your boys? I am (and have been for many years) regularly complimented on my son's behaviour.

Of course he is polite and well behaved in school! Why wouldn't he be.
Both boys and girls should be civilised in school and out and about, excluding any ND or SEN if they are not that is a parenting problem not a boy vs girl thing.
I think you have some very odd ideas about what it will be like parenting a girl, it's definitely not all pretty dresses and playing nicely with a barbie.