Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a girl?

267 replies

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:27

Another thread like this, I know.

Two boys, 7 and 4. Both hard work in different ways, although lovely of course too. Both daddies boys, none of this mummy’s boy stuff which I would love.

I never ruled out a third, but DH isn’t keen as he is almost 40, I’m 5 years younger. I would really like a daughter. I know there’s no guarantee but I know plenty who’ve followed the old fashioned methods and managed it.

DH dead against it, it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say, especially when he’s fine with his 2 boys, and he knew I was younger when we got married!

OP posts:
OliviaFlaversham · 09/01/2023 21:27

Completely unreasonable. I think your views are toxic and I’m sure your boys must pick up on it.

Tallulasdancingshoes · 09/01/2023 21:43

This sort of post never goes down well on mumsnet. But I can see your point of view. I had ds first and was over the moon, but when I got pregnant with dc2 I hoped I was having a girl and I did. Of course I would have loved a second boy, but was overjoyed to have a girl.

Mistysmom · 09/01/2023 21:46

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 20:37

No I would stop at 3 either way as I often wanted 3 children. I have gone through fantasies of having three little boys in the past so I wouldn’t love a boy any less, in the same way that once DS2 was here, I wouldn’t change a hair on his head even though he’s a nightmare child! The fact that I have two boys means that there’s a bonus chance of having a girl if we were to have a third.

The point about being younger is that I have plenty of time at 34, to have a third.

Unfortunately it's not as simple as that. Your odds are still still even chances even with two previous boys. I had two DS with my ex husband. Met my new husband in 2018 and I conceived last year and thought my chance of a girl would be higher as he has a DD too. Our DS was born in November and everyone thought I was disappointed but I wasn't. I love my boys and they are all mammys boys at heart. I don't miss what I've never had and we won't be trying again to see if we had a girl

2FelisCatus · 09/01/2023 21:49

This will be an unpopular opinion but I'd only go for a third if you were to choose a girl and do ISI in the US or Cyprus. If I hadn't had a girl second I'd 💯 have chosen a girl for the next one.

Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 21:51

It’s not so much about thinking I’ll get a best friend, it’s more shared gender experiences. I am semi close with my own DM but she keeps us at arms’ length a bit, however she is a strong feminist and I love that. Also my boys are just bloody hard work! DS1 is a complete non conformist and does the opposite of what he is meant to do, and DS2 is just a hilarious and very cute demon. All my friends’ DDs are well behaved.

Ideally I wouldn’t want to have a child with another man 😆DH far from perfect as am I. He is a great dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 21:55

Also I would like to have the different experience. My DS’ are very different so I know it’s not all about gender. But whatever anyone says, it’s a different experience raising boys and girls. Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

OP posts:
Beees · 09/01/2023 21:57

Also my boys are just bloody hard work! DS1 is a complete non conformist and does the opposite of what he is meant to do, and DS2 is just a hilarious and very cute demon. All my friends’ DDs are well behaved.

Is this tongue in cheek? Your friends daughters are clearly not all well behaved and certainly no more well behaved than your children simply because they are female.

ClubhouseGift · 09/01/2023 21:59

The fact of the matter is if he says no, he doesn’t want another, that’s the end of it.

Of course the person who doesn’t want another trumps the one who does, and particularly in this circumstance you wouldn’t be having another for appropriate reasons.

Reindear · 09/01/2023 21:59

You really think all girls behave and conform?! I have a boy 10 and a girl 7. My boy has always been extremely well behaved- my daughter has never conformed to anything in her life 😂 she’s only just starting to settle aged 7. She is gorgeous but bloody hell she’s a handful! You seem to have an image of an angelic little girl - it is very unlikely. Also my dd is a total daddy’s girl

Lcb123 · 09/01/2023 21:59

Those methods are a load of rubbish - pure coincidence. Sorry but please don’t have a third in case it’s a boy as you clearly will be disappointed

x2boys · 09/01/2023 22:03

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 21:55

Also I would like to have the different experience. My DS’ are very different so I know it’s not all about gender. But whatever anyone says, it’s a different experience raising boys and girls. Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

And what if you don't get a " good girl" who doesn't have an easy time at school?
children are individual regardless of sex .

SmileWithADimple · 09/01/2023 22:04

YANBU to have a preference for a girl - I like having different sexes so I know what you mean.

But YABVU to have another child of either sex if DH doesn't want one. In this situation the person who says no gets the deciding vote I'm afraid!

Ansjovis · 09/01/2023 22:05

Why exactly is it "unfair" that your husband gets the final say here? Your youngest is 4 and you're out of the baby stage. It is completely reasonable for your husband not to want to go back there again. Yes it's unfortunate that your family size is smaller than you would want but I'd argue that forcing him to have a third child he doesn't want is less fair.

Having a child is a two yes, one no situation. Anything other than that really is unfair.

BashfulClam · 09/01/2023 22:07

Ha ha yeah ‘girls confirm’, utter rubbish. Are you sure you are 34? You sound about 12.

I know someone with 4 boys due to his wife’s quest for a girl…it ended their marriage. She wanted to try fir number 5 he said no and he wanted a vasectomy, she said if he did she would divorce him. They were struggling to support themselves.

Notplayingball · 09/01/2023 22:11

You could have a girl who later wants to become a boy🤷 It happens. She could have nothing in common with you. I am not close to my own DM, or MIL.

I have four DC - all boys. I didn't find out what I was having for DC3 and 4. I just wanted children.

My eldest is almost 16yo, I have some great conversations with him, we share a love of dogs, music gigs and have a lot of other similar interests.

It's best to not be fickle only imagining dressing a girl up in tutus, playing Barbies, etc. That's a short lived part of their childhoods. They become individuals in their own right regardless of XX or XY chromosome formation.

If your DH doesn't want anymore children you need to respect him there. My DH is almost 49 and our youngest is almost 6yo. It's been a hard slog at times for DH because of his age.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 09/01/2023 22:14

You are not being unreasonable @Namechanged2023 It is perfectly normal for people to want one particular gender. And - I would say post 1980s - it is very common, for people to want a girl. (In the western world/ Europe/ UK/ America/ Canada especially...

It's mostly women who want a girl, but some men do too. More women wants a girl than the amount of men who do, but some men DO want a girl. I believe people who want a girl, are happy if they have 2 or 3 boys as long as they have at least ONE girl. As has been said a lot on here, most gender disappointment is when it's not a girl.

I know boys are revered in eastern parts of the world and other various continents ... But certainly in Western Europe and particularly UK, America, Canada, etc, girls are very highly desired by a lot of women/mothers.

I just have one girl born in the 1990s. I wanted a girl - I was desperate a daughter. DH desperately wanted a daughter too. We both have our reasons. We were blessed, and had a daughter. Never wanted any more children after that. Just wanted that one girl. Best thing that ever happened to us.

If I had had a boy, I don't know what I would have done. May have tried to have another one. But if I had two boys, I'm not going to lie. I would be disappointed. Not proud of that, but I would have been. And I know quite a number of people who ARE disappointed they never had a daughter. Quite sad really. I guess people have their reasons. I know me and DH have ours.

I am pretty sure that we would have loved a boy as much as we love our dear daughter, and we would never ever have let him know that we wanted a girl, but yeah, we did want a girl. You cannot help how you feel.

I have to say, of all the people I know who have just daughters, they are not disappointed that they had no sons. But, as I said, some people who had all sons, ARE disappointed they never had a daughter.

SpentDandelion · 09/01/2023 22:16

No you don't want a good girl as in people pleaser, plus she could very likely be as free spirited as her siblings. Young boys are full of energy but that stage doesn't last for ever. It's pointless comparing your friends children, be grateful your children are healthy and happy. It's just a false image you have in your mind as to how you think having a daughter will be. Enjoy your boys because before you know it they will be all grown up and introducing you to the new love in their life. Parenting boys can challenging but it is also a priverledge.

Hullyhuman · 09/01/2023 22:18

2 rhings accept you may have a third boy
and i if you can can let go of out ome thennid happy ...
employ all the girl methods . My mate , who is a gp did this, and had a girl

Notplayingball · 09/01/2023 22:20

I have been relieved not to pass my own gynae issues on to my offspring that I got "gifted" by my own DM and her DM....the chain has finally been broken 🙌

Just something positive to pop in to the discussion 😂

catandcoffee · 09/01/2023 22:22

My DIL really really wanted a girl.....as girls are cute and quiet, and like to play nicely not noisy like boys.....don't run around jumping on the settee ...... she got her girl but not the rest 😂

Krakenes · 09/01/2023 22:34

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 21:55

Also I would like to have the different experience. My DS’ are very different so I know it’s not all about gender. But whatever anyone says, it’s a different experience raising boys and girls. Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but ‘girls learn to conform’ makes my skin crawl. What a horrible way for a little girl to grow up when even her own mother thinks like that. It makes me quite sad.

TheGoogleMum · 09/01/2023 23:00

I know you said you'd be happy either way, but I heard if you have 2 of same sex you are statistically more likely to have a 3rd of same sex again (something to do with a uterus favouring conditions for xy sperm or vice versa or something?). Not sure if true. Anecdotally, of the families I know with 3+ kids they are all same sex unless the first 2 were different. Yes there are definitely some cases where this is not true as sometimes it is just probability just something to think about

Somethingsnappy · 09/01/2023 23:27

Hullyhuman · 09/01/2023 22:18

2 rhings accept you may have a third boy
and i if you can can let go of out ome thennid happy ...
employ all the girl methods . My mate , who is a gp did this, and had a girl

Aha! Proof it works then, if your mate is a GP, and she had a girl! 🙄

purpleboy · 09/01/2023 23:36

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 21:55

Also I would like to have the different experience. My DS’ are very different so I know it’s not all about gender. But whatever anyone says, it’s a different experience raising boys and girls. Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

Sorry op but with an attitude of "good girl" and "conform" I'd dread to think of you raising daughters. Women get enough shit in the world from strangers without their own mothers throwing them under the bus.
Strong and independent would be traits you should try and encourage in girls.

harrassedmumto3 · 09/01/2023 23:40

Namechanged2023 · 09/01/2023 21:55

Also I would like to have the different experience. My DS’ are very different so I know it’s not all about gender. But whatever anyone says, it’s a different experience raising boys and girls. Girls learn to conform. I would give anything for a “good girl” who had an easier time at school.

I have 3 girls and holy shit, it is hard work. I love them, but they can be emotionally draining. My sister who has 3 boys just breezes through!
I wish you well, but please don't assume girls are easier.