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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

286 replies

Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 13:27

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 09/01/2023 15:01

Reugny · 09/01/2023 14:52

If the OP doesn't have her own independent relationship with her ex's wife it is absolutely none of her business whether her ex asked his wife or not.

The children's step-mother is not the OP's relation and has absolutely no obligation to help her at all.

Show quote history

I didn't claim SM had an obligation. Or that she was related to the OP.

Of course the SM does not have to do it and I get the wider principle about obligations. But it sounds like a simple, quick, one-off request.

Coconut212 · 09/01/2023 15:01

ooft allot of angry step mums on this discussion

MeridianB · 09/01/2023 15:04

BlueBooh · 09/01/2023 13:40

This is the like a reverse of a thread a few weeks ago from a step mum. Although the mum in that thread just dropped the kid off at step-mums house.

The thread was almost unanimous is saying why should the step mum have anything to do with the arrangement.

As many PPs have asked - would you have looked after her kids?

Not really. The SM in that thread was WFH. Her DH sent a text asking for her to look after his children for the day. He didn't check she had even seen the text and the first she knew was when the ex dropped the children off and drove away as she opened the front door!

IsItaCowIsItaPlane · 09/01/2023 15:07

Blimey, the attitudes of some PP is shocking. Surely helping each others families out is part of the deal with step parenting?

I've looked after my ex's new partners children and helped them out and they do the same for me. My DH is often the first person my kids ring if they need a lift or anything as he's most likely to be free. In a similar vein, I attended my step daughters parents evening as neither DH or her mum were available. I'd never think it cheeky to ask.

OP he clearly didn't ask her, either because he knew she would be difficult about it, or because he didn't want to help. If they were my step kids I'd have done it if I could, but she may have had to go somewhere before school or something.

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 09/01/2023 15:08

MeridianB · 09/01/2023 15:04

Not really. The SM in that thread was WFH. Her DH sent a text asking for her to look after his children for the day. He didn't check she had even seen the text and the first she knew was when the ex dropped the children off and drove away as she opened the front door!

Show quote history

I remember a thread like this but from my recollection, the OP (rightly) didn't open the door to her DH's ex and their child.

The ex didn't drive off.

Is that the one you're thinking of?

MeridianB · 09/01/2023 15:10

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 14:59

I don't get the constant need for role reversing on threads to be honest.
It's boring and irrelevant 🙄

It might be boring but it’s definitely relevant.

Well said @funinthesun19

Frankensteinisamonster · 09/01/2023 15:10

StarsSand · 09/01/2023 13:37

Well I think you have your answer ready for the next time he asks a favour of you.

But why, he was at work , he couldn’t do it.

the same situation is if the wife asks the op to take her kid to school.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2023 15:11

When you’ve helped them out in an emergency was that with your shared child or their child together? Were you helping your ex or his wife? Was it an actual emergency or a short notice request from work for overtime? Because that’s not an emergency.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/01/2023 15:11

@MeridianB

Do you have a link to that thread, please? I missed it.

MeridianB · 09/01/2023 15:12

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 09/01/2023 15:08

I remember a thread like this but from my recollection, the OP (rightly) didn't open the door to her DH's ex and their child.

The ex didn't drive off.

Is that the one you're thinking of?

Show quote history

This one: www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4707574-was-i-wrong-to-be-annoyed-by-this

To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.
ortonym · 09/01/2023 15:14

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 14:35

She's not helped them out. She's helped her ex out. With her own children. Not the same.

Show quote history

She's helped her ex out. With her own children.

Sorry, but I don't see that reference. Apologies if it's hidden somewhere.

ZenNudist · 09/01/2023 15:15

If its a regular pattern then I can see why she won't help. If its tit for tat where you help her out too then that's fair enough.

I suppose you can be difficult next time he needs a favour. Perhaps just say that to him: "saw [wife's name] at drop off, shame we can't help each other out from time to time. I will try to be the bigger person next time you need a favour".!!

dutysuite · 09/01/2023 15:16

I wouldn’t message him but I would say no the next time they need a favour. My nieces stepmother is like a second mother to her and wouldn’t think twice about stepping in, she’s also the driving force in ensuring my nieces father actually turns up when he says he will…she’s become somewhat of a family friend because we value what she does therefore, I can’t understand how some people say step children aren’t or can’t be seen as relatives!

Everanewbie · 09/01/2023 15:18

Hi OP. It does sound it bit awkward from her. There are lots of things we don't HAVE to do, but helping someone out would be nice.

However, to look at things from another perspective:

AIBU to refuse my partners' ex? I had a nice easy morning with DS planned, we were walking to school via our favourite coffee shop. DH's ex asked me to take DSS to school because someone called into her work sick.

The responses would be no way, not your problem, why change your plans because ex wife's work has a problem, she needs to tell her work she can't make it, tough!

whumpthereitis · 09/01/2023 15:19

There isn’t one ’deal’ when it comes to step parenting though, is there? It’s whatever set up works for the people involved.

if this stepmother has made it clear to her husband that she doesn’t want to be involved in issues that only concern the parents then he’s absolutely done the right thing in respecting that.

quietnightmare · 09/01/2023 15:20

Step mothers aren't there to be used

leelan · 09/01/2023 15:23

@ConfusedNT
Completely agree with your points!! The holiday completely relates. My step children (both teens) go abroad twice a year with their mum. Yet we can't take out two (much much younger - two toddlers, abroad without them because it's not "fair" and we simply can't afford to take 6 people abroad every year so we all miss out - yet they dont and still enjoy their holiday. Grinds my gears!!!!!

SoupDragon · 09/01/2023 15:23

TBH, I think anyone is a bit mean if they refuse to take a child somewhere they are already going to at the same time. Especially in a one off "emergency"

leelan · 09/01/2023 15:25

Yes I can appreciate that would irritate you and yes it's pretty mean if she did say no. However, it's annoying when it's automatically assumed you take and run around your step children.

Everanewbie · 09/01/2023 15:28

I'd bank it OP. Don't cause an argument now, but maybe just remember this for when they might need a favour.

MayThe4th · 09/01/2023 15:34

And people wonder why stepmothers get such a bad reputation…

When you marry into a family you marry all of that family, including the children. On this occasion OP wasn’t asking the wife to do her childcare, she was asking if she could drop the DC at school and when her ex said no she said fair enough. Except that when she got to school the SM was there dropping off her own child. Refusing to drop a child who presumably lives at her house for a vast amount of time and with whom you presumably have a relationship and when you are going to the exact same place is petty and spiteful.

MisguidedGhosts · 09/01/2023 15:35

MayThe4th · 09/01/2023 15:34

And people wonder why stepmothers get such a bad reputation…

When you marry into a family you marry all of that family, including the children. On this occasion OP wasn’t asking the wife to do her childcare, she was asking if she could drop the DC at school and when her ex said no she said fair enough. Except that when she got to school the SM was there dropping off her own child. Refusing to drop a child who presumably lives at her house for a vast amount of time and with whom you presumably have a relationship and when you are going to the exact same place is petty and spiteful.

You don't marry the ex.

Original poster
Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 15:36

Thanks for the replies.

I appreciate the responses, even the ones telling me I'm unreasonable, that's fair enough. I don't really have much of a relationship with his wife but that's not because I've not wanted it. I've tried to make conversation with her in the past, offered my number etc.. and she's never been keen. That's her decision of course but whenever I've tried contacting her directly (never for favours just very rare general stuff), she never replies.

I think it's just brought up a bigger issue for me in that my son doesn't really feel part of their family in respect of his step mum. He's told me before that he feels she doesn't want him there or little things like he's heard her tell his dad that he can cook for his kid or arguing with ex that he's got to take DS out to a hobby in the evening. She definitely seems to be of the mindset of 'not my kid not my problem' and I think my son deelsnin the way sometimes. Perhaps it's understandable to not want to help or be involved with your SC but it does make my son feel like shit sometimes.

I've never cared for their joint child alone no but I have done things like have their child over to mine with my son and my ex for tea when his wife needed a break (she knew and was fine about that obviously my ex has no family around here so no where else to really go at the time), and I've looked after their dog when they went away on holiday last year too. I actually would happily have my son's sibling in an emergency, it's never been asked which I understand but I would do it if needed. I'm always interested in them and happy to help. We live close by, a 5 min drive from each other.

OP posts:
daybroke · 09/01/2023 15:37

MayThe4th · 09/01/2023 15:34

And people wonder why stepmothers get such a bad reputation…

When you marry into a family you marry all of that family, including the children. On this occasion OP wasn’t asking the wife to do her childcare, she was asking if she could drop the DC at school and when her ex said no she said fair enough. Except that when she got to school the SM was there dropping off her own child. Refusing to drop a child who presumably lives at her house for a vast amount of time and with whom you presumably have a relationship and when you are going to the exact same place is petty and spiteful.

So I'm supposed to have my ex's new wife's kids here in the holidays? Even though mine are grown up?

That's a hard no from me.

Dramaalpacas · 09/01/2023 15:37

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:31

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

This is unfair. I don’t count my husbands ex’s daughter as my family but I certainly do count my stepdaughter as my family. Of course I would help out her mother with something that wouldn’t take me much extra effort. The time will come when we need the favour back e.g the next time we want to take SDD away on a longer holiday than we have time with her, or if we want to swap weekends, ask her to send over some school clothes etc etc.