To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

[Ronny128]

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

So you have no issue with just saying no with no explanation, but have an issue with the phrase "no is a complete sentence"

Let’s rephrase then: you can just say no. You don’t need to justify saying no when someone wants something from you.

Offering an explanation often looks like an invitation to negotiate to someone who wants something. They can question your reasons and try to persuade you. So it’s often much better to just say no and not feel any need to justify or explain that.

I think it was mean as she was going to the same place. If things don't work out for your ex dh and SM and he moves on I wandered I'd she would expect the new SM then to do these things? That would be interesting.

Generally I think, if ulyou are going to g have a relationship with someone and they have a child and then you have a child with them then you need to be more open to looking after said child. Especially when they are married and have a child. She knew he had a child already. And I would expect this to work both ways. Marriage is more than a paper it is a much larger commitment.

However I am sure he never asked her...

Did I say that?

someone ask me to do something and it doesn’t work for me… I say no and why.
whether that’s inconvenient or busy. Ask again? As I said, no.

what pretty much anyone and everyone I know in Rl would do.

on thread it would seem you try to do outdo each other with daft pithy mumsnet classic responses

Correct

no issue with just saying no and / or adding on a reason but “no is a complete sentence” sounds like reading from a script.

which it is. From mumsnet!

You learnt today to never help this arsehole couple again. Exs wife could easily have been kind and she chose not to, remember this day.

After your updates the whole situation sounds really sad. No one should get together with someone with children if they aren't willing to treat them as part of the family, and someone who has children should not stay with a partner who isn't willing to accept their children as part of the family.

I hate the MN mentality that 'why should the SM help out' etc but when it's a step dad it's often the other way round and they are slated if they don't help out.

If your son is feeling like he isn't part of the family as far as she's concerned then she must be making it really obvious IMO!

People who are willing to just say no to anything they don't fancy doing, with no further qualification, are heading for a life where people consider them to be rude and avoid them!
I guess it's fine if that doesn't bother them, and so long as they never need to ask for a favour.

You seem to be mistaking favour for entitlement here.

The person saying no is in the wrong because the person wanting the favour was entitled to it, unless the circumstances were exceptional (and they provided sufficient justification).

Women with boundaries tend to be painted as ‘selfish’. Men who do exactly the same thing are seen as fine. Or, indeed, they’re never asked because no one feels entitled to their labour.

In many circumstances I would agree with you, but in this scenario, if the wife was a husband and going to the school anyway, I'd think it just as bad if they said a blunt no.

Social niceties are a good thing - doing the odd favour or giving a reason for why you cannot help, oils the wheels of social interaction and this is important, especially in blended families.

I wonder if she knows what op thinks of her and that's why she said no?

Haven’t found this to be true at all tbh. Reads more like wishful thinking.

@ImAvingOops I totally agree with you.

Well said.

Just stop returning any favours for them.

Can’t believe all saying stop the favours in return

I bet your DS LOVED having the dog stay OP, yes?

I bet your DS has LOVED it when his young half sibling has come to HIS main home he can show him his toys etc.

Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face

So all the threads where someone says ‘I have a child over for loads of play dates but they never ever reciprocate’

There is universal ‘stop hosting the play dates’ despite the same applying - the host kid loving showing their toys etc. It’s accepted that there is no need to be a pushover in a one sided arrangement

but you think OP should be a wet blanket because..?

but this is more like a situation where you host play dates for a family but the child’s aunt doesn’t pick your child up from school (at the last minute) so you decide to terminate all future play dates. after all, she was there anyway!

The OP has been flexible with her ex. But she sees his wife as a childcare appliance belonging to him and she’s annoyed that he didn’t give her use of it.

The fact she’s hosted her ex when he’s too lazy to entertain himself and look after his other child while he’s supposed to be giving his wife a break also isn’t a favour to the ex’s wife. It’s a favour to him.

Same with agreeing to look after the ex’s dog when he asked her.

The mother of your child’s half sibling is not the same as an aunt though

it’s back to the massive MN double standard where grandparents are expected to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same as their biological ones when it comes to presents (and in many threads, inheritance) but step mothers are totally disconnected and unassociated from their step children (except when the step mother has just given birth and wants the step children to change their weekend contact, at which point she becomes outrageously unreasonable)

No. The aunt may be more related to the child, in fact.

Still, stepmother does not mean free childcare to the parents. She’s definitely not obliged to be her husband’s ex’s childcare. It’s asking a third party - who is doing the (other) parent a favour in looking after their children to do the same for you.

I don’t agree that MN thinks grandparents must treat stepgrandchildren the same. There is no real consensus on those threads. And I certainly don’t think they are required to treat their son-in-law’s children (who they probably rarely or never see) as if they are their grandchildren.

Is it just me, or do MNers expect stepfathers to love their stepchildren like their own, yet stepmothers are barely expected to tolerate their stepchildren?

It’s just you.

No it's not just you @ZoeCM . But I think this stems from step fathers living with children for the majority of the time, since moth mothers are primary carers of the dc, whereas step mums don't usually live full time with their step children. So are sometimes seen as having less obligation towards them.

I think the world often expects very little of stepfathers. They’re lauded for just existing in the same house as the children, and treated to adulation for anything they do with them.

It’s like an exaggerated version of the infuriating thing where fathers are treated like gods for taking the kids to the park (and told how wonderful the children are), but mums are totally ignored when they take the kids to the park, or openly judged for any minor transgression in the children’s behaviour. That toddler tantrum that drew sympathy when dad was the parent in view received a very different reception when it’s a mot her with them.

this sketch summarises the gendered expectation in stepfamilies quite well:
vm.tiktok.com/ZMFEo74YP/

At least from the male side.

There’s some weird myth on MN that stepmothers get it really easy and wonderful. And only the nasty ones complain. But stepfathers really put themselves out.

It’s just that the bar is on the floor for men. And children are women’s work. 🙄

YABU to have an attitude of step mum should/could do your child care.
Maybe he didn’t ask her, maybe he did. It doesn’t matter, she’s not your child care option.