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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Was I wrong to be annoyed by this?

116 replies

Speak4us · 29/12/2022 09:36

Working from home yesterday in a very busy and full on job so not just lazing about like I know some people seem to view WFH as! DH was out at work so only me in the house as my parents were looking after our toddler.

Randomly DSS 11 and DSS9 turn up out of the blue and it appears DH had sent me a text 20 mins before to say his ex needed to go out so she was dropping DSC off.

It was about 1:30pm and they'd had nothing to eat so were then mithering me for lunch, I was trying to wrap up a meeting and had more to do afterwards. I was livid quite frankly. At least feed your children first?!

Unfortunately, and this isn't their fault it's how their parents have raised them, DSC are babied. They can't make a simple meal, can't seem to entertain themselves without falling out and so on.

I basically just told them they'd need to see what they could find in the kitchen and then go upstairs whilst I worked (working downstairs in living room) which they then sulked about because all they could make was a simple sandwich. Cue lots of arguing all afternoon etc. 9 year old coming down and crying at one point and wouldn't leave the room I was in trying to make calls.

When DH got home I was absolutely livid. I was WORKING! Not just sat at home. For him to tell his ex she can drop them off with me without ensuring I first knew and secondly agreed and also at his ex for dropping them off after lunch and not feeding them first.

He thinks I'm being dramatic and they can come whenever they want.

OP posts:
Ohdearnotagain76 · 29/12/2022 09:38

I would tell him yes they are welcome whenever they want but you won’t be looking after them again. I would of refused them at the door

aureus3012 · 29/12/2022 09:39

Your husband is the one in the wrong. He should have called and spoke to you about it. I presume he was at work.....how would he have liked it if his ex had dropped the kids at his workplace!

BakersYeast · 29/12/2022 09:40

He has no right to do this and you are 100% right. He should have said I'm not at home today so I can't help. He needs to be firm with his ex. You are not a babysitter for when she feels she needs it.

Original poster
Speak4us · 29/12/2022 09:40

Ohdearnotagain76 · 29/12/2022 09:38

I would tell him yes they are welcome whenever they want but you won’t be looking after them again. I would of refused them at the door

I didn't get chance, they walked in and their mum had already sped off by the time I'd realised.

OP posts:
gogohmm · 29/12/2022 09:42

At 11&9 they should be able to make a simple lunch and quietly entertain themselves. Them being dropped off should not be a drama, it's the kids that need to be taught how to manage themselves

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 29/12/2022 09:43

I’d be livid - you are not a childcare provider, you are working ! So many people don’t take WFH seriously, it’s infuriating.

blebbleb · 29/12/2022 09:43

At that age they should be able to entertain themselves. Really lazy of their mum not to feed them before either. Your husband needs to stop taking advantage.

Lola2PC · 29/12/2022 09:44

You weren't wrong to be annoyed by this. You can't be responsible for them when you're working. Just because you were working from home doesn't mean you are available!

Lkydfju · 29/12/2022 09:45

I’d be livid; my teen DSD is here when I’m working from home which is fine as she’s self sufficient and gets that when I’m working that I’m busy but DH seems to think I can give her lifts here and there which I just say no to without any explanation and suggest he walks out of work half way through the day for 45 minutes to give her a lift which he is aghast at

Original poster
Speak4us · 29/12/2022 09:46

gogohmm · 29/12/2022 09:42

At 11&9 they should be able to make a simple lunch and quietly entertain themselves. Them being dropped off should not be a drama, it's the kids that need to be taught how to manage themselves

Regardless though surely you should still be checking with the person you're dropping them with? If they truly don't need anything then they could have stayed at their mums whilst she went out, the fact they needing dropping them off shows they need some form of care which you can't just expect someone to provide without asking I'd have thought?

OP posts:
Awrite · 29/12/2022 09:47

What would he have done if you worked out of the house?

If they wouldn't have been allowed to stay home alone, then he shouldn't have said they could come round (without asking you first).

Azerothi · 29/12/2022 09:48

Admittedly, I don't have stepchildren but surely it hasn't got anything to do with the step children's age. It is the implication that OP is swanning around at her leisure at home. How would these parents cope if they had even their own children dropped off at their place of work, never mind someone else's children with no notice.

babyunderblanket · 29/12/2022 09:49

I don't see anyone at fault here except your DP for not saying "no sorry we're both working". DSS mum probably just got a yes sure drop them off and not unreasonably assumed they'd be fed, DSS are only 9 & 11 so not unreasonable to ask for help or at least want some guidance.

Your OH is the problem here and you need to put in place far stricter boundaries re: DSS ie if you're not here, then nor are the DSS. End of.

Callingallskeletons · 29/12/2022 09:49

Of course they can come at anytime - when there is a parent there in a capacity to look after them, he wouldn’t have been so forthcoming with his ex dropping them off at his work would he?

Nordix · 29/12/2022 09:51

Next time you have them by yourself OP you should load them in the car and drop them off at your husband’s workplace, and speed off. Then next time - drop them at their mums workplace. That might get the point into their (mum & DH’s) thick skulls.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 29/12/2022 09:51

gogohmm · 29/12/2022 09:42

At 11&9 they should be able to make a simple lunch and quietly entertain themselves. Them being dropped off should not be a drama, it's the kids that need to be taught how to manage themselves

Evidently they can’t be left alone as their DM needed to drop them in so she could go ‘out’, so them being dropped off IS an issue, as it’s then left to their (working) SM to cover? Their DM could teach them to sort themselves out in their own home.

Yanbu OP.

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 09:53

I would have been furious and on the phone to DH insisting he return immediately or I'd take them to his workplace.

And in future they are not to be dropped where you are without your explicit agreement.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2022 09:55

Bang out of order. He has no respect for you or your job and daring to call you dramatic would have me raging. What a patronising arse.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/12/2022 09:55

He thinks I'm being dramatic and they can come whenever they want.

He’s being a dick-I would be directing all my anger at him-he’s the one you’ve married and would expect to have your back here. These kids have two parents, yet are dumping their kids on you.

TidyDancer · 29/12/2022 09:56

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 09:53

I would have been furious and on the phone to DH insisting he return immediately or I'd take them to his workplace.

And in future they are not to be dropped where you are without your explicit agreement.

Yeah this is what I would've done too.

Unfortunately there are a lot of people who don't respect home working as proper working or expect things to be as they were during the lockdowns when everyone was expected to just 'make do'.

Unicorn717 · 29/12/2022 09:57

Fuck that. If she was just going out they should have gone with her. If they couldn't have she should have waited or found someone else to have them. She wouldn't have done it if you worked in an office. Make sure your doors are kept locked so no one can just walk in. And only have them if it's arranged.

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 29/12/2022 09:58

Tell him that if this happens again you will put them straight in a taxi to his workplace.

Outrageous behaviour by your DH.

And it doesn’t matter how domesticated / self sufficient the children are, it can’t be presumed that you can build childminding into your working day without your explicit consent.

ZenNudist · 29/12/2022 09:58

My 12yo can be in the house while I work, the nesrly 9yo at a push if his brother is out but no way can i WFH with them both in. Every 5 mins one hurts the other and the other shouts and screams.

They can be entertained on screens but I don't want them on fortnite all day.

The 12yo can feed the 8yo but they will Nick all the junk food and sometimes he won't help his brother then his brother screams. I use childcare for them and split them up in the holidays so I can work.

I'd be livid too in your shoes.

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 09:58

I always think in these situations that dropping them off at their parent's place of work is the only thing that might make them see what the situation with WFH is.

OTOH i am a bit shocked that a 9 year old, let alone an 11 year old, can't fend for themselves, lunch-wise. That is a failure of parenting full stop.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 29/12/2022 09:59

TidyDancer · 29/12/2022 09:56

Yeah this is what I would've done too.

Unfortunately there are a lot of people who don't respect home working as proper working or expect things to be as they were during the lockdowns when everyone was expected to just 'make do'.

Show quote history

And on top of that there are many who think you can’t argue back when DSC are concerned, as any visits by them are to be welcomed, no matter who has to actually look after them.