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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

286 replies

Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 13:27

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 15:37

My son feels in the way sometimes that should have said.

OP posts:
MisguidedGhosts · 09/01/2023 15:41

I think it's just brought up a bigger issue for me in that my son doesn't really feel part of their family in respect of his step mum. He's told me before that he feels she doesn't want him there or little things like he's heard her tell his dad that he can cook for his kid or arguing with ex that he's got to take DS out to a hobby in the evening. She definitely seems to be of the mindset of 'not my kid not my problem' and I think my son deelsnin the way sometimes. Perhaps it's understandable to not want to help or be involved with your SC but it does make my son feel like shit sometimes.

This is a huge issue. How old is he? Have you spoken to his dad about this?

washingmachineheart · 09/01/2023 15:43

I don’t understand the insistence from some that a step mother (if this distinction from wife/partner of ex has been agreed) shouldn’t help out, where fair and practical, with the children she’s presumably agreed to step parent. If nobody’s being taken advantage of, surely a unified arrangement that prioritises the children benefits everybody.

Unless I’ve missed it, OP hasn’t used the term step mother, although I do agree in this situation that ex’s wife has been less than generous to the family unit she’s consciously chosen to join.

InFiveMins · 09/01/2023 15:44

YANBU. They are going out of their way to be unhelpful. Yes the stepmum doesn't need to help you out but your son shouldn't be seen as some sort of hindrance to them. She should have helped out today.

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 09/01/2023 15:46

daybroke · 09/01/2023 15:37

So I'm supposed to have my ex's new wife's kids here in the holidays? Even though mine are grown up?

That's a hard no from me.

Show quote history

Totally different scenarios my dear. We are talking about an occasional or a
one-off favour here.

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 15:47

SoupDragon · 09/01/2023 15:23

TBH, I think anyone is a bit mean if they refuse to take a child somewhere they are already going to at the same time. Especially in a one off "emergency"

On the face of it yeah, simple. Just take the kids because you’re going that way anyway.

But it depends really. I’ve taken my friend’s child to school many times because I’m going that way anyway, but it doesn’t mean I have to. Sometimes I’ve had to say no.

And maybe the key word is: Friend. You help people who you have a relationship with and who you care about. Does OP even have a relationship with the stepmum that she feels it appropriate to ask her to take her children to school for her? I don’t think she even asked her. She asked her husband to sort it with the stepmum. Hmm.

I think in these circumstances, whether the stepmum was going that way or not. The Op should have sorted it out herself like she did.

ocadodeliveroo · 09/01/2023 15:48

This reply has been deleted

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daybroke · 09/01/2023 15:54

Yeah @Itschristmastimeinthecity as an occasional favour in the holidays?

Nope.

amonsteronthehill · 09/01/2023 15:55

While she' was certainly entitled to say 'no', I'd be saying 'no' to last minute, 'emergency' requests from their side as well the next few times, especially since he has form and you've stepped in for them.

Everanewbie · 09/01/2023 16:00

amonsteronthehill · 09/01/2023 15:55

While she' was certainly entitled to say 'no', I'd be saying 'no' to last minute, 'emergency' requests from their side as well the next few times, especially since he has form and you've stepped in for them.

This. Although be mindful not to use your child to settle the score.

MeridianB · 09/01/2023 16:03

Looking after their dog while they were on holiday is a big favour and presumably saved them quite a bit of money. So your request this morning seems reasonable.

Anyway, your update about how your son feels is sad, and something to discuss with your ex.

Is it possible your ex has a habit of expecting his wife to do everything for DS and their child and she was just fed up with him, not your DS - hence the thing about him cooking? Of course she may just be unwelcoming - but worth finding out which it is.

onyttig · 09/01/2023 16:06

KatMcBundleFace · 09/01/2023 14:18

So many people that can't read. The OP has literally said she's helped them out last minute before.

It's sad that she didn't reciprocate. I'd be fucked off cos it just makes life that little bit harder.

She has helped HIM out.

HE has asked for changes to his responsibilities.

THEY haven’t asked for help. Just as they don’t apply for annual leave from his job, they don’t ask to modify his contact arrangements. He does.

It doesn’t matter that he’s asking because he wants to to something with or for his wife. HE is asking. They are not.

How often are SMs told on MN that child contact arrangements are none of their business and they have no right to make changes to accommodate them? But when the children’s mother wants childcare, the SM seems to be required to provide it. 🙄

Reugny · 09/01/2023 16:07

MeridianB · 09/01/2023 15:01

I didn't claim SM had an obligation. Or that she was related to the OP.

Of course the SM does not have to do it and I get the wider principle about obligations. But it sounds like a simple, quick, one-off request.

Show quote history

The OP didn't ask the step-mother she asked her ex.

Her children's step-mother and her ex are two different people.

As I said previously on the thread my mum and step-mother helped each other out. If either needed help they asked the other directly they didn't go through my father.

Instead of the OP being pissed off her children's step-mother didn't help maybe she should cultivate a relationship with her, so next time she can approach her directly.

SoupDragon · 09/01/2023 16:08

MisguidedGhosts · 09/01/2023 15:35

You don't marry the ex.

Show quote history

She wasn't asked to take the ex to school.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 09/01/2023 16:10

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:31

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

Wtf? My stepdaughter who I’ve raised with her father, my husband. from the age of two, is not an “unrelated child,” what an offensive take on the role of a decent stepparent.

OP, I think your ex is BU and his wife should have taken your son but I suppose we don’t know if their plans maybe changed last minute or something. You could always ask him. My DH and his ex-W help each other out and me and her DH would definitely step in if needed.

Janch13 · 09/01/2023 16:17

Suspect he didn’t even ask her. It’s annoying but I wouldn’t kick up a fuss, it’s done now.

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 16:18

Her children's step-mother and her ex are two different people.

This is really important to remember. One is the parent to OP’s child and the other one isn’t.
The stepmum isn’t an extension of the father and that’s that. She’s her own person with her own boundaries. She has her own life to be getting on with, and shock horror this doesn’t involve co parenting with the OP… maybe because she’s not the child’s parent.

The OP’s co parenting relationship with her ex husband is between them two, soo..
All these comments telling the OP to have a tantrum at the ex husband because the stepmum didn’t help her are really unnecessary. If the ex husband himself didn’t help her then yeah go ahead girl tell him where to go. But this woman owes her nothing so why make a big deal about her doing.. nothing?

Gigglechop · 09/01/2023 16:19

Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 15:37

My son feels in the way sometimes that should have said.

So best not swap and change his routine by making last minute requests of his step mum and exacerbating the situation.

onyttig · 09/01/2023 16:26

SoupDragon · 09/01/2023 16:08

She wasn't asked to take the ex to school.

Show quote history

No. The expectation is that she should be providing childcare for the ex on demand.

Tbh, the more information the OP gives it’s increasingly clear that her ex’s wife has drawn clear boundaries because her husband takes the piss. That’ll be why he didn’t need to ask. He’s probably been told that he needs to take responsibility for his child not just expect her to do it.

What generally prompts a woman to tell her husband that he needs to cook for his child is almost always a man who has decided that it’s just women’s work rather than his job as part of child contact.

He’s even decided that his ex should host him, and his younger child for dinner while his wife needs a break. Giving her a break means finding the nearest available women to sort it out for him (in this case his ex).

Even the dog thing presumably was a favour HE asked. They might be married but they’re still separate people. Maybe she organised the whole holiday and all he was asked to do was sort something for the dog.

In loads of these cases, it’s easy to take a child’s reports of feeling unwelcome and blame the woman who isn’t being a doormat (for her husband) rather than asking why the child’s father isn’t doing the basic stuff (and therefore creating a situation where he has to be told to look after his child) or ignoring all his other responsibilities during contact (and needing to be reminded that he does have another child too and can’t just pretend that’s not the case 3 days a week).

Let’s all expect more of fathers and stop blaming their wives when the man they married isn’t pulling his weight.

SoupDragon · 09/01/2023 16:27

onyttig · 09/01/2023 16:26

No. The expectation is that she should be providing childcare for the ex on demand.

Tbh, the more information the OP gives it’s increasingly clear that her ex’s wife has drawn clear boundaries because her husband takes the piss. That’ll be why he didn’t need to ask. He’s probably been told that he needs to take responsibility for his child not just expect her to do it.

What generally prompts a woman to tell her husband that he needs to cook for his child is almost always a man who has decided that it’s just women’s work rather than his job as part of child contact.

He’s even decided that his ex should host him, and his younger child for dinner while his wife needs a break. Giving her a break means finding the nearest available women to sort it out for him (in this case his ex).

Even the dog thing presumably was a favour HE asked. They might be married but they’re still separate people. Maybe she organised the whole holiday and all he was asked to do was sort something for the dog.

In loads of these cases, it’s easy to take a child’s reports of feeling unwelcome and blame the woman who isn’t being a doormat (for her husband) rather than asking why the child’s father isn’t doing the basic stuff (and therefore creating a situation where he has to be told to look after his child) or ignoring all his other responsibilities during contact (and needing to be reminded that he does have another child too and can’t just pretend that’s not the case 3 days a week).

Let’s all expect more of fathers and stop blaming their wives when the man they married isn’t pulling his weight.

Show quote history

Don't be ridiculous. That isn't the expectation at all 🙄

onyttig · 09/01/2023 16:28

It is the expectation though. That’s the thought process underlying all the ‘his wife should have done it’ responses. She married him so she’s obligated to provide childcare to his ex. Apparently.

Pixiedust1234 · 09/01/2023 16:29

Coconut212 · 09/01/2023 15:01

ooft allot of angry step mums on this discussion

Not really. Just a lot of women pissed off at being the first person others dump their offspring on .

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 16:35

Pixiedust1234 · 09/01/2023 16:29

Not really. Just a lot of women pissed off at being the first person others dump their offspring on .

Show quote history

Exactly! I'm not even a step mum and i feel pissed off about all the shit step mums seem to get dumped with

Gigglechop · 09/01/2023 16:37

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 16:35

Exactly! I'm not even a step mum and i feel pissed off about all the shit step mums seem to get dumped with

Show quote history

Ditto

which is precisely why I will never ever ever mangle blend families. My children deserve for their home to be their home and no one elses. And I deserve not to have to live with or care for any other children besides…. Mine!!

OoooohMatron · 09/01/2023 16:42

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:31

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

They are not unrelated children though are they? They are her husband's children who I assume she was aware of before she married him.