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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

286 replies

Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 13:27

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

OP posts:
Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 14:37

And it's never a one off. The first time you think it's a one off and you do it. And then there is an expectation and you end up doing it frequently without so much as a thank you. Take it from me. Maybe she is sensible as has said no from the start.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 09/01/2023 14:38

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 14:34

I wonder how it would go down if a dad asked/demanded/expected the stepdad to provide a last minute favour.
And then questioned the mum afterwards why the stepdad didn’t comply. He’d be told to fuck off… right?

😂 LOL 100 % this.

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 14:38

Do you not have your own support network, OP? What makes you think the stepmum is part of yours?

MeridianB · 09/01/2023 14:40

VapeVamp12 · 09/01/2023 13:30

Yeah thats rubbish. Did your ex even ask his wife?

This is crucial. Ask him.

I cannot imagine any stepmum saying no to this - unless there is a huge backstory of her being taken for granted by DH or ex, or both.

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 09/01/2023 14:45

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 14:34

I wonder how it would go down if a dad asked/demanded/expected the stepdad to provide a last minute favour.
And then questioned the mum afterwards why the stepdad didn’t comply. He’d be told to fuck off… right?

I don't get the constant need for role reversing on threads to be honest.
It's boring and irrelevant 🙄

PennyRa · 09/01/2023 14:46

If it were an emergency then it would be different but it seems like you don't have a kind relationship with the step mother where you would usually do non emergency favours for eachother?

PrincessConstance · 09/01/2023 14:46

As 2 stepfamilies, we all help each other out. For instance, Dp's ex's new chap had an issue with his car. So Dp offered to drop off and pick up his own kids and theirs. We've had sleepovers, etc.
I think it's nice to cooperate and help each other out. If both parties can.

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 14:48

So parents A and B have children 1 and 2

And parents B and C have children 3 and 4

The only person responsible for both 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 is parent B (in this case the dad)

If parent A has children 1 and 2 at short notice she is not doing a favour for parent C, she is doing a favour for parent B

So the only reason we should be taking about parent C owing a favour is if parent A sometimes looks after children 3 and 4

But my guess if that parent B often fobs of children 1,2,3 and 4 on parent C (obviously I have no idea how many children there really are) and either Parent B didn't ask parent C on this occasion, because they want to save parent C's goodwill for their own requests Or parent C said no because she did not want to start doing favours for both parent A and B without any reciprocating.

The fact that Parent A thinks looking after her own children is doing parent C a favour says it all really

PrayingandHoping · 09/01/2023 14:50

Maybe she had an appointment before drop off? Or a personal reason why she couldn't

Either way I would just let it go

DysmalRadius · 09/01/2023 14:51

If your ex and his wife were divorced, would she still be the next person you'd go to for childcare after him?

Wheresthebeach · 09/01/2023 14:51

Presumably you’ve helped out with last minute stuff related to your child? Not theirs.

I suspect it’s views as ‘thin edge of the wedge’ and that if they do it once you’ll be asking them lots as ‘she’s going anyway’.

I bet they don’t want to be the default pick up/drop off when your work (or any other is life’s minor issues crop up). After all - it wasn’t an emergency.

Reugny · 09/01/2023 14:52

MeridianB · 09/01/2023 14:40

This is crucial. Ask him.

I cannot imagine any stepmum saying no to this - unless there is a huge backstory of her being taken for granted by DH or ex, or both.

Show quote history

If the OP doesn't have her own independent relationship with her ex's wife it is absolutely none of her business whether her ex asked his wife or not.

The children's step-mother is not the OP's relation and has absolutely no obligation to help her at all.

FUEWC · 09/01/2023 14:52

YABU

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 09/01/2023 14:52

YABU. You don't know what was happening that morning in their household. You can ask for help but equally they have the right to say no. Same in reverse. They have the right to ask you for help and you have the right to say no if it doesn't fit with your schedule/plans/capacity.

DowntonCrabby · 09/01/2023 14:53

It’s fair she didn’t want to take on last minute childcare. If you think this was petty then stop accommodating their last minute changes/favours too.

Curledupwithagoodbook · 09/01/2023 14:54

I'm a stepmother. DH's ex is a bloody difficult person even more than 20 years on, but I've still helped out if I am able. I'd do the same for a neighbour, so why not my step DC's other parent.

Reugny · 09/01/2023 14:55

PrincessConstance · 09/01/2023 14:46

As 2 stepfamilies, we all help each other out. For instance, Dp's ex's new chap had an issue with his car. So Dp offered to drop off and pick up his own kids and theirs. We've had sleepovers, etc.
I think it's nice to cooperate and help each other out. If both parties can.

You have gone out of your way to cultivate a relationship with your children's other parent's partner/spouse.

My mother did the same.

The OP clearly hasn't done this.

Instead she thinks she is entitled to have a person who is not related to her and has no relationship with her, help her at short notice.

Volhhg · 09/01/2023 14:55

he never asked her. I would somehow find the step mums contact details and contact her directly. I'm guessing she went into this blended family thing with open eyes

TulaDoesTheHula · 09/01/2023 14:56

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

Yes very unreasonable because you are not owed an explanation, their private life is none of your bloody business. Your ex was at work and his wife was not able to help out for whatever reason, that’s the end of it. All you needed was a yes or no answer which you got, you are not entitled to any further explanation. Why do you want to know the exact reason anyway? So you can judge if - according to you - it’s a valid reason or not?

As other posters have pointed out there could be a number of genuine reasons why his wife couldn’t do it or a number of genuine reasons why your ex didn’t even ask her, all which could be personal / private & therefore none of your business.

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 09/01/2023 14:57

Reugny · 09/01/2023 14:55

You have gone out of your way to cultivate a relationship with your children's other parent's partner/spouse.

My mother did the same.

The OP clearly hasn't done this.

Instead she thinks she is entitled to have a person who is not related to her and has no relationship with her, help her at short notice.

Show quote history

The OP clearly hasn't done this.

have you seen any replies from the OP to say she hasn't done this or you just like assuming things?

daybroke · 09/01/2023 14:58

Volhhg · 09/01/2023 14:55

he never asked her. I would somehow find the step mums contact details and contact her directly. I'm guessing she went into this blended family thing with open eyes

I am so glad that I never dated someone with young kids post my split because I wouldn't want my partners ex having my number and I wouldn't be doing childcare for her.

I wouldn't do it for him either. And I definitely wouldn't do it for her.

Fraine · 09/01/2023 14:58

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

Well that needs to stop. He can handle it all himself from now on.

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 14:59

I don't get the constant need for role reversing on threads to be honest.
It's boring and irrelevant 🙄

It might be boring but it’s definitely relevant.

daybroke · 09/01/2023 15:00

Fraine · 09/01/2023 14:58

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

Well that needs to stop. He can handle it all himself from now on.

I bet she helped him with his kids, not the ex with kids that are nothing to do with her partner.

StaunchMomma · 09/01/2023 15:00

Agree that, on initial appearances, it does look really mean of the wife.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, could there be anything going on that you don't know about?

Is she usually helpful?