To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

[Ronny128]

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

The opposite

I see step mothers on here being expected to put their step children over and above everyone including themselves, their own children and their own happiness

They all too frequently end up with men who expect them to pick up as much of the parenting as their ex wives, whilst they aren't allowed to have a say or discipline them which makes the parenting significantly harder

And if they dare complain about things that other parents complain about they are told 'you knew what you were getting into when you got together with him', ' you knew he had children' so they aren't even allowed a moan.

Meanwhile step dad's are 8 times more likely to kill their step children and are lauded if they give them a lift every once in awhile.

It's not just you.

its fine for both men and women to say they’re not willing to take on responsibility for prospective step children. It’s up to the parent to decide whether this is acceptable or not.

A parent getting into a relationship with someone that isn’t the mother or father to their child/ren and who isn’t going to step into a parental role, equally knows what they’re getting into.

It's the moaning that causes the issues.
Dp never moans about his ex and neither do I. However, I do moan about how I perceive his discipline and parental strategy. It's the bugbear in our relationship.
He's literally Mr soft, I'm the strict one.

Is it just me, or do MNers expect stepfathers to love their stepchildren like their own, yet stepmothers are barely expected to tolerate their stepchildren?

A stepfather wouldn’t be expected to do favours for the dad. And his love for them wouldn’t be questioned if he refused to help the dad. In fact the mum would fully support her partner if he didn’t take the stepchildren to school for the dad. Because boundaries are important ya see.

Stepmums on the other hand, are seen as difficult and cold towards the stepchildren if she refuses to help the mum. And then you get the “she mustn’t like them very much” kind of comments.

It’s not about the stepchildren, it’s about the parents.

His wife has no obligation to look after your or his children. Leave her out of it. The two of you should be able to manage with out her.

The Stepmum may not have known...

They may have had an outrageous argument on the way to work and your ex didn't want to ask his wife. He may have been a dick to her that morning and couldn't.

Bad news in the family.

The OP may have been an almighty bitch to the step Mum and is choosing when is convenient for her to play a role.

The step mum may be a total bitch.

Your children may be giving her a hard time?

Either way, it must be horrible but you have no way of knowing why she couldn't help, and it's absolutely not your place to ask your ex husband to justify her..

If it leaves you unsettled still.. and you have no reason to believe in your heart why she didn't help then perhaps ask him non confrontationally if you've offended her in anyway or if the children have? But let the dust settle.

@roseheartfly Your post is by far the best advice i've seen on this. No projection, just different possible reasons and a diplomatic, non inflammatory/knee jerk suggestion at the end which is very tactful, which is therefore in the best interests of child.

You're an example to us all! 😀💐

@FortheBeautyoftheEarth thank you for saying that.

This op!!!

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