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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

286 replies

Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 13:27

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

OP posts:
Reugny · 09/01/2023 14:04

Do you have your own relationship with your ex's wife?

No then don't expect her to do emergency childcare for you at all.

My mother and step-mother had their own relationship with one another so they could do and did do emergency childcare for one another. However they talked to each other directly.

onyttig · 09/01/2023 14:04

The SC might not be unrelated. But I would imagine that most SMs do not count their husband’s ex as ‘family’.

And this was not about the SC. They do not benefit from a last minute change in their first day back at school after the holidays. This is about what their mother wanted. The OP wanted a favour from an unrelated (to her) adult and is angry that she was not just given what she wanted.

theemmadilemma · 09/01/2023 14:08

whattodo1975 · 09/01/2023 13:35

100% the ex didnt ask the wife.

Why deal with the hassle he will get from his wife by asking.

He knew you would get child to school anyway, which you did, so why cause himself (or his child) any issues.

Show quote history

Or maybe they have an agreement that it's a flat no without asking because they don't want to set an expection.

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 14:08

But unless the OP is also providing emergency childcare for the new step mums children, I fail to see why it's the step mum's responsibility to do the same for the OP

People keep saying the OP shouldn’t have to because the stepmum’s children are nothing to do with OP.
They’re just hiding behind a technicality. No, the OP has no relationship with OP’s children. BUT….
Absolutely nothing stopping the OP from kindly offering to do the stepmum a favour in the future if the stepmum does one for her. Why should it be so one sided?

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 14:09

**OP has no relationship with the STEPMUM’s children

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 14:13

She is not obligated but (providing you are always respectful & neither you nor he take the piss out of her ) then she should have done a one off favour.

My answer to your ex from now on would be a flat out NO to any change that suits him & his wife (unless it suits you also)

No more favours.
Those are a two way street.

Sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander.

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 14:16

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 09/01/2023 13:54

Err, do not message the ex. Your issue is with your ex DH not your DC's stepmother.

Errr that's why she suggested messaging her ex... 🤣

FeinCuroxiVooz · 09/01/2023 14:17

Depends on how generally positive your relationship with the your ex's new DW - are you generally friendly and do you do regular favours for her? Are you in touch directly or do you only communicate via him? If you aren't friends then I wouldn't expect a favour from her. But if they ask a favour from you feel free to say no, they have set their boundaries at no favours asked or granted from now on.

insertsomethingwitty · 09/01/2023 14:17

I am a stepparent and have and would bend over backwards to help out where I could regardless of whether my husband was around.

However, I would refuse any requests of my help that came via my husband as if I am a staff member to be allocated work to.

If you wanted a favour from the step-mother, it would have been polite to have asked her yourself. As you didn't, I'm not surprised the answer was no.

Crunchyb · 09/01/2023 14:18

OP: You didn’t even have the decency to ask his wife. Do you have that kind of relationship, where you and his wife do each other favours? Why not ask her, instead of expecting your ex to pressure her into doing a job for you?

This thing where men and their exes conspire to use the new partner/wife as a skivvy to mop up their mess, under the unspoken threat of exposure as a wicked stepmother, is really low. If you want her help, ask nicely, like you would ask anyone else.

The idea that just because she has been foolish enough to marry a man who already has a child she is some kind of bonded labourer who must always step in to help unless she is practically dying, is not on. It’s not unreasonable for you to ask her to help, but you do have to actually ask HER. And if she helps you with your child, you should be prepared to help her with hers too.

KatMcBundleFace · 09/01/2023 14:18

So many people that can't read. The OP has literally said she's helped them out last minute before.

It's sad that she didn't reciprocate. I'd be fucked off cos it just makes life that little bit harder.

TulaDoesTheHula · 09/01/2023 14:20

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 09/01/2023 13:54

Err, do not message the ex. Your issue is with your ex DH not your DC's stepmother.

No there is no issue with the ex, in fact there’s no issue at all. Her ex was already at work & he said his wife was unable to help out this morning so that’s the end of it. OP isn’t owed any sort of explanation as to why his wife couldn’t do it or what she was doing, it’s none of her business.

Woahtherehoney · 09/01/2023 14:20

KatMcBundleFace · 09/01/2023 14:18

So many people that can't read. The OP has literally said she's helped them out last minute before.

It's sad that she didn't reciprocate. I'd be fucked off cos it just makes life that little bit harder.

Maybe she couldn’t? Why should she drop her plans to help?

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 14:21

So many people that can't read. The OP has literally said she's helped them out last minute before.

With the stepmum’s children though?

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 09/01/2023 14:24

Would have been nice of her but maybe there was something going on with her / her LO this morning that meant that she couldn't.

Deathbyfluffy · 09/01/2023 14:24

If you've gone out of your way in the past to a similar degree, it would have been nice - but the good news is you don't have to do that anymore!

I'm 50/50 on if I'd help in this situation, but I can see why you're annoyed.

Crunchyb · 09/01/2023 14:25

KatMcBundleFace· Today 14:18
So many people that can't read. The OP has literally said she's helped them out last minute before.

I’m not convinced she’s done anything other than help her ex out with their joint child, which may or may not have helped out his wife. If she comes back and says she’s looked after the ex’s child with his new wife in at short notice, I’ll change my tune.

grumpycow1 · 09/01/2023 14:26

Maybe he doesn’t want to ask her, wants to keep it separate? It’s not fair though that his work takes priority, especially if his day!

daybroke · 09/01/2023 14:26

Have you helped the stepmum out with her kids before? Not by taking you and your ex's kids but by taking just her kids or her and his joint kids?

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 14:29

I’m not convinced she’s done anything other than help her ex out with their joint child, which may or may not have helped out his wife. If she comes back and says she’s looked after the ex’s child with his new wife in at short notice, I’ll change my tune.

Same.

WeeOrcadian · 09/01/2023 14:29

It would have been nice of her to take them, but not her responsibility.

Based on your OP, I assume that you don't know if she did / didn't. Maybe she had things to do / booked after the nursery run, it could be one of a thousand things.

My money is on your ex not having asked, but that's based on a gut feeling.

mrsm43s · 09/01/2023 14:29

KatMcBundleFace · 09/01/2023 14:18

So many people that can't read. The OP has literally said she's helped them out last minute before.

It's sad that she didn't reciprocate. I'd be fucked off cos it just makes life that little bit harder.

Presumably she means that she's helped HER EX out regarding the childcare of their shared children? I doubt she has helped the ex's wife out by providing emergency childcare for the ex's wife's children.

There are 2 people responsible for OP's children - her ex and herself. It is reasonable for those 2 people to help each other out where possible on a reciprocal basis. On this occasion OP's ex was not able to help out. It is then up to OP, not her ex, to find alternative childcare, or turn down the overtime.

Unless there's a pre-existing reciprocal agreement with the ex's wife where OP looks after the ex's wife children and the ex's wife in return looks after OP's children on OP's contact time, then it's cheeky beyond belief for OP to expect ex's wife to act as HER emergency childcare.

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 14:34

I wonder how it would go down if a dad asked/demanded/expected the stepdad to provide a last minute favour.
And then questioned the mum afterwards why the stepdad didn’t comply. He’d be told to fuck off… right?

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 14:35

KatMcBundleFace · 09/01/2023 14:18

So many people that can't read. The OP has literally said she's helped them out last minute before.

It's sad that she didn't reciprocate. I'd be fucked off cos it just makes life that little bit harder.

She's not helped them out. She's helped her ex out. With her own children. Not the same.

PeppermintChoc · 09/01/2023 14:36

Maybe they’d had a blazing row and he didn’t want to ask.

You have no idea. The problem is these favours tend to be one sided, that grates after a while.