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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

286 replies

Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 13:27

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

OP posts:
onyttig · 09/01/2023 13:45

Hankunamatata · 09/01/2023 13:44

On face of things crappy but also depends how early you wanted to drop? Is wife sick of doing childcare for dh?

It’s not childcare for her husband though. It’s childcare for his ex.

ReiRay · 09/01/2023 13:45

Unless there's a logical explanation like there was an appointment this morning, or they had left early to do something before school...then it's a bit shitty of him.

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 13:46

She shouldn’t have to bail you out when you have problems. Will it benefit her at all if you make it in to work? Not really. You owe her nothing and she owes you nothing regarding each other’s children.
Of course she was there this morning. She was taking her child to school, which as a parent she has a duty to do. Same as you with your child. Just suck it up and get on with it.

No magical stepmother there to do it for her, just like there isn’t one for you.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 09/01/2023 13:49

I don’t think YABU to wonder why she couldn’t do it. But you are a bit, if you can’t think of a dozen reasons why it might not have been convenient this morning.
As someone else said, maybe … maybe … maybe … maybe
Maybe she had to run to Tesco on her way to the school, or had a doctors appointment, or was dropping someone else’s kid off somewhere on their way, or she had a migraine but didn’t like to ask you if you could help out, or … or
If you feel that they are taking advantage of your own good nature, by asking for help but refusing to return the favour, then either talk to them about it, or stop putting yourself out while you resent doing so.

tattygrl · 09/01/2023 13:51

I think I would feel put out and confused, and probably annoyed, but in reality you have no idea what happened. It's completely possible that ex's wife had an appointment booked in for that morning that got cancelled, or other plans that changed last minute, leaving her unexpectedly free to take her child to school.

Yeah, maybe she couldn't be arsed, or some other negative motivation, but it really isn't worth reading into it in my opinion. I would simply accept I felt a bit p*ssed off, then move on. It's seriously not worth causing a family drama by essentially accusing ex's wife of lying to get out of helping you out. Whatever her reason was, she said no, end of. Let it go.

onyttig · 09/01/2023 13:51

ReiRay · 09/01/2023 13:45

Unless there's a logical explanation like there was an appointment this morning, or they had left early to do something before school...then it's a bit shitty of him.

There needs to be no further explanation than he couldn’t do it because he was already at work when she asked for a last minute change to contact.

The OP then decided to say: ‘what about your wife?’ and is annoyed that he said no rather than offering up the services of his household childcare appliance to meet her requirements.

Being petty about flexibility that he asks for in future because he was at work when you wanted last minute childcare would be shitty behaviour.

tenbob · 09/01/2023 13:52

This is one of those batshit MN double standards where grandparents are expected to treat step-GCs the same as their biological GCs, because when someone with marries someone with kids, the families fully blend

But a new parter shouldn’t have to put themselves out in the slightest way for their step kids because they are the sole responsibility of the biological parent at all times

EXCEPT when the new partner has a newborn, because then it is totally unreasonable for the stepmother with a newborn to treat herself as a first time mother/new mother and ask for a break from the step kids routine, because she ‘knew what she was getting into when she got together with someone with kids’

Woahtherehoney · 09/01/2023 13:52

As a step mum I will always put myself out for my stepson - unless I can’t. There might be a genuine reason she couldn’t help this morning but that isn’t her fault. Appreciate you had an emergency but as bad as it might sound that’s your emergency not hers.

ReiRay · 09/01/2023 13:53

onyttig · 09/01/2023 13:51

There needs to be no further explanation than he couldn’t do it because he was already at work when she asked for a last minute change to contact.

The OP then decided to say: ‘what about your wife?’ and is annoyed that he said no rather than offering up the services of his household childcare appliance to meet her requirements.

Being petty about flexibility that he asks for in future because he was at work when you wanted last minute childcare would be shitty behaviour.

Show quote history

Nothing like trying to keep a good relationship whilst co parenting hey 🤣🤣

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 09/01/2023 13:54

Err, do not message the ex. Your issue is with your ex DH not your DC's stepmother.

onyttig · 09/01/2023 13:54

you feel that they are taking advantage

HE. He is the only one that could be ‘taking advantage’.

He is the children’s father. He is the one who would be asking for changes in his contact with the children he shares with the OP.

They aren’t asking the OP to do anything. HE is.

She is his wife. And none of his ex’s business.

JudgeRudy · 09/01/2023 13:55

YANU to be disappointed YABU to be Fd Off.
Firstly, this wasn't a family emergency, it was a work request. Most people would say hang on boss ill see what I can do....no sorry, no childcare
Secondly you have no right to expect her cooperation (unless you frequently help out with her children)
Thirdly you should not make assumptions. Just because shes at the school gate dies not mean it would have been convenient for her to have your kid. You don't even know if your ex asked her!
You sound very entitled....go ahead and ring them to vent. See how that one goes.

onyttig · 09/01/2023 13:55

ReiRay · 09/01/2023 13:53

Nothing like trying to keep a good relationship whilst co parenting hey 🤣🤣

Show quote history

He is co-parenting.

His wife is not coparenting with his ex. They are not her children.

Is that hard to grasp?

Londono · 09/01/2023 13:55

I was a stepmother who would have dropped everything to help. I learnt, to my cost, that I absolutely should not have given so much of myself and I wish I had put some boundaries in place

TheOrigRights · 09/01/2023 13:55

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:31

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

It says in the OP's initial post: I've helped him out with last minute stuff before.

OriginalUsername2 · 09/01/2023 13:56

The woman is entitled to say no and not have her reasons scrutinised.

Notanotherone5 · 09/01/2023 13:56

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:31

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

What a strange take on it. I don’t count my step kids as unrelated! My kids are definitely not related to my husbands ex though

butterfliedtwo · 09/01/2023 13:57

He probably didn't ask her. Or, maybe, like PP said, she has boundaries in place, which is fine.

onyttig · 09/01/2023 13:58

TheOrigRights · 09/01/2023 13:55

It says in the OP's initial post: I've helped him out with last minute stuff before.

Show quote history

He was at work. And the OP accepted that as fine.

The OP is angry that his wife didn’t just provide her with childcare on demand.

willithappen · 09/01/2023 13:58

Maybe she was busy in the run up to school drop off and couldn't take your child also. Just because she got to drop off on time doesn't mean she was sat at home twirling her thumbs and totally free to help out at drop of a hat. She could have met with someone else before, had an appointment, any other sort of out the house plan. It doesn't mean she couldn't manage to drop off her own child herself. She had plans that couldn't involve your child and that's it

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2023 13:59

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:42

I wouldn't count my childrens half brothers and sisters as unrelated but plenty of first wives do...

Show quote history

When my children’s brother (from their dad and step mum, I don’t really like the term half-brother) is older - as in out of nappies - I won’t mind having him from time to time. So something like this I’d do if it was next door.

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 14:00

TheOrigRights · 09/01/2023 13:55

It says in the OP's initial post: I've helped him out with last minute stuff before.

Show quote history

Yes, the OP and the Ex have helped each other out with last minute requests for their children before

But unless the OP is also providing emergency childcare for the new step mums children, I fail to see why it's the step mum's responsibility to do the same for the OP

JudgeRudy · 09/01/2023 14:00

I'm not even sure it warrants an emergency. She was essentially asked to do some overtime at short notice.

Worriere · 09/01/2023 14:01

Since when were step children unrelated 😅🤨. Some of you people are fucking bonkers honestly.

I'd be hacked off OP. Maybe your ex takes advantage of her when your little boy is there so there's context there. Or maybe her child is a nightmare in the mornings and it's already a fine balance for her. I know if someone dropped another child on me at short notice in the morning that would about ruin my day 😅

Aquamarine1029 · 09/01/2023 14:02

You have watched their child when they had an emergency?