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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

286 replies

Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 13:27

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

OP posts:
BethDuttonsTwin · 09/01/2023 13:29

Yeah it’s mean and I would be pissed off too but I know you’ll get loads of responses telling you you’re entitled and that no one owes you child care blah blah blah.

VapeVamp12 · 09/01/2023 13:30

Yeah thats rubbish. Did your ex even ask his wife?

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:31

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:31

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

ClubhouseGift · 09/01/2023 13:32

YABU. He was at work. Why should his wife have to step in?

JE17 · 09/01/2023 13:33

On the face of it that seems really mean of her.

TiddleyWink · 09/01/2023 13:33

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:31

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

She’s the child’s step mother. You don’t think that’s even a tiny bit different to the OP helping out with the child of her ex’s new marriage? Really? 🙄

Magentax · 09/01/2023 13:34

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

I don't count my husband's children as unrelated, that's a weird take.

Bonheurdupasse · 09/01/2023 13:35

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:31

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

This OP.

whattodo1975 · 09/01/2023 13:35

VapeVamp12 · 09/01/2023 13:30

Yeah thats rubbish. Did your ex even ask his wife?

100% the ex didnt ask the wife.

Why deal with the hassle he will get from his wife by asking.

He knew you would get child to school anyway, which you did, so why cause himself (or his child) any issues.

Lillygolightly · 09/01/2023 13:37

I wouldn’t message him no, but I would stop helping him out with last minute stuff or whatever.

MisguidedGhosts · 09/01/2023 13:37

How far do you live from each other? Maybe she had an errand to run on her way there?

Magentax · 09/01/2023 13:37

whattodo1975 · 09/01/2023 13:35

100% the ex didnt ask the wife.

Why deal with the hassle he will get from his wife by asking.

He knew you would get child to school anyway, which you did, so why cause himself (or his child) any issues.

Show quote history

Pretty sure this is right.

StarsSand · 09/01/2023 13:37

Well I think you have your answer ready for the next time he asks a favour of you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2023 13:37

Yes I think that was quite ungenerous of her. Assuming you usually have a good relationship, and help each other out?

In terms of concrete obligations of course it’s not her job, but generally speaking you’re family, and you’d presumably do the same for her in an emergency if you were going to be right there on the spot?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2023 13:38

Maybe he didn’t ask her, as pp says, to avoid hassle.

But you’d surely do it for the next door neighbour (for example) as a one off if you were going to the same spot anyway

EndlessRain1 · 09/01/2023 13:39

Sure, on the face of it she oculd have helped. But you don't know what has gone on. Maybe your ex is always leaving her to look after his child and she's fed up with it. Maybe her mornings (generally or this specific one) are really hectic and the thought of adding another child to it was just too much. Maybe she has a migraine and just managed to drop off her child do she could go rest. Maybe your ex ddnt' even ask her. Maybe maybe maybe.

That siad, if you don't feel your help is returned then stop offering it.

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:40

TiddleyWink · 09/01/2023 13:33

She’s the child’s step mother. You don’t think that’s even a tiny bit different to the OP helping out with the child of her ex’s new marriage? Really? 🙄

Show quote history

Not really

I see here all the time men moving on to new women and expecting them to do child care for them, look after their children etc

Then the step mum has children, but she's not allowed to take them on holiday without her step children, even though the step children also go on holiday with their mother. And she's not allowed to buy them anything without buying the step children something even though the step children get bought things by their mother.

Then this step mum, who possibly had errands to do before nursery so she wouldn't have been at home when the OP was dropping off, or maybe she finds it hard getting so many kids ready and out on time is potentially already being left to it by the dad on his days says no, and suddenly she's selfish

But all I ever see is the second woman having to put herself out a million different ways to keep her DH, his ex, her step children and her children happy, and very rarely anyone's wondering what they can do for her

The OP hasn't even considered there might have been a good reason, she just wants to go moan to get ex because his wife wouldn't drop everything to do emergency childcare for her.

BlueBooh · 09/01/2023 13:40

This is the like a reverse of a thread a few weeks ago from a step mum. Although the mum in that thread just dropped the kid off at step-mums house.

The thread was almost unanimous is saying why should the step mum have anything to do with the arrangement.

As many PPs have asked - would you have looked after her kids?

onyttig · 09/01/2023 13:40

your ex’s wife is not obligated to be your childcare - emergency or otherwise.

He presumably understands this, so he didn’t need to ask his wife to rearrange her morning to suit you. He already knew that she’s not the nanny.

It’s not ‘mean’. To anyone.

Feel free to message your ex and demand an explanation of why his wife wasn’t doing what was most convenient to you.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/01/2023 13:42

Not her circus, not her monkeys.

It would have been nice of her, but she’s not obligated to be your emergency childcare.

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:42

Magentax · 09/01/2023 13:34

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

I don't count my husband's children as unrelated, that's a weird take.

I wouldn't count my childrens half brothers and sisters as unrelated but plenty of first wives do...

Coffeellama · 09/01/2023 13:44

Maybe he didn’t bother asking her, maybe she doesn’t like helping out or they’ve had an argument or whatever and he wanted to save himself the hassle. It’s not her responsibility really and if she doesn’t want to help out she doesn’t have to. Ultimately I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing because you can only make assumptions really. Wouldn’t rush to help them out again though.

Hankunamatata · 09/01/2023 13:44

On face of things crappy but also depends how early you wanted to drop? Is wife sick of doing childcare for dh?

onyttig · 09/01/2023 13:45

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2023 13:37

Yes I think that was quite ungenerous of her. Assuming you usually have a good relationship, and help each other out?

In terms of concrete obligations of course it’s not her job, but generally speaking you’re family, and you’d presumably do the same for her in an emergency if you were going to be right there on the spot?

so your husband’s ex becomes your family is you marry him?

Seriously?

The children being part of the family does not extend to their mother in most cases. The mother is part of the children’s family. But she’s merely their SM’s husband’s ex.